Monday, November 17, 2008

UPDATED: Quaint vignettes from my charming rural idyll

It's been a week of fun projects and home improvement here at Rancho FirstNations! Almost a 'duel' of projects, in fact.

The Yummy Biker made me a new computer station?

I made a Japanese-style lamp (which cleverly turns into a Rennie-inspired lamp when lit).

Inspiring the Teutonic Delinquent to stride manfully off to the garage and whomp up a small display bookcase for the front room...just because.

I cut, prepped and tempered some grounds?
The Delicious Degenerate re-routed the lighting fixtures in the front room.
I concocted a unique 'moonglow' effect for the aforementioned lamp?
The Scrumptious Sinner concocted a 'setting sun' addition to help describe the 'autumn light' quality that I was trying to reproduce, and made it PERFECT.
I threw together a collage?

The Tasty Terrorist threw together a fall meal that would have made Anthony Bourdain cry like a little bitch.

Lets all stop and enjoy that image for a few moments, shall we?, what the hell; go ahead and enjoy this one too


The Delectable Deviant had pulled into the lead by the end of the week. One glorious breakfast, a pot of excellent chili, a batch of oatmeal/chocolate chip/cocoanut/date/walnut cookies, a whirlwind cleaning of the garage and subsequent profitable 1/4 hour spent on Ebay that netted him a quick couple of bills won him the 'Home Improvement Capo Di Tutti Capo' crown.

What motivated this sudden burst of 'can-do' spirit?


...specifically BJ.



Nah, I'm messing with you! There wasn't really a Banana Split named BJ. But it's not like it wouldn't have been entirely in keeping with the general tone of 'WTF?' that informed everything that came out of this particular cartoon syndicate. Plus, it would have been pretty cool, huh.

Their names were Bingo (I think he was a muskrat or a beaver or a marmot or something; something in need of large-scale orthodontic intervention), Snorky (an elephant with paralyzed vocal cords), Drooper (a lion with erectile dysfunction) and Fleagle (an unbathed dog of some sort). As was common in many rock-n-roll supergroups of the time, they never appeared without their signature sunglasses, worn to hide the tragic evidence of their narcotic dependence.

The Banana splits were one of those Sid and Marty Kroft abominations. Another one was H. R. Puffinstuff. GOD I HATED THAT THING. "Oh MAH, Jimmay, whad're we a-gonna DEW?" seemed to be Puffinstuffs' favorite line.
..."Hey! You said it wouldn't hurt when you touched me there, Mr. Puffinstuff!"

I have no idea what H. R. Puffinstuff was supposed to be, aside from the hallucinatory product of one hell of a lot of lsd (i.e a mugwump, in which case a blowjob would not have been entirely out of the question.) My impression was of a guy with some kind of a serious, serious endocrine disorder. He had a tail, he wore a frock coat, had a giant clam for a head and he held some kind of political office. Maybe he was the Antichrist. I personally suspect him of being the sperm donor for South Parks' Ike.
...remember that lost weekend in Vancouver, H. R? Yeah that's RIGHT.

These feature cartoons were the time slot lead-ins to the suckiest lineup of the stupidest cartoons and live features ever to puke all over childrens programming.

This is one of those things from the 70's, like the band KISS and disco music, that was NEVER COOL no matter what their subsequent marketing claims. Banana Splits and Puffinstuff ATE ASS. Little kids were SCARED of them - that's why they took them off the air! GAAAAAAH big nasty stupid old dumb looking things flapping their mouths and jiggling around like lipid tumors in shoes; ick.

There's many reasons my generation turned out the way it did, kids. Sid and Marty Krofft were a big one.


  1. This weekend I built a shelving unit from scratch and no power tools. No flat-pack furniture for this DIY Bitch!

    Will you post photos of your projects??? We must see the evidence!

  2. One banana, two banana, three banana , FOUR!

    I have just come back from a holiday where I did diddly squat.

    All your activity has forced me to go for a lie down.

  3. nuh-UH! The Banana Splits were awesome! I have no memory of Puffin-whatever, but my brother and I never missed an episode of the Banana Splits.

    And we turned out just fine (twitch, twitch).

  4. OH GOD, hahahahahaha. I always thought Sid & Marty Krofft were the DEVIL. BLECH. And the Brady Bunch were cool (hey, some of that stuff was funny) but the Partridge Family were BO-RING.

    It amazes me that I might imagine your house to look like the house on 'Rosanne' (i.e., like mine growing up, complete with crochet-square throw over the tatty old sofa) but instead it's a Postmodern architect's wet dream. The fact that you doo'd it up YOURSELVES is even more amazing.

  5. I never realized before today that Jimmah on HR Puffinstuff was in all actuality, Christina Ricci. It's true.

  6. Next you'll be telling me the Monkees weren't as good as the Beatles.

    In the country where they have bad teeth but speak English properly, the closest thing we had to the Splits (although not as frenetic) was a deeply strange show called Vision On, which was supposedly for deaf kids. Oddly, it had some of the coolest, most evocative music of the era; ask any Brit who grew up in the early 70s to hum the gallery theme and s/he'll probably start crying.

  7. Whahdjoosay?

    I'm licking mango juice off Tony Bourdain's heroin-tracked arms and sucking bacon drippings off his stiff nipples.

  8. I remember the Banana Splits , It used to be on in the summer holidays over here . We would watch it while waiting for Pa Beasty to come home from work , and then we would all pile off to the I have fond memories of it...altho it was a bit freaky , I dont remember hp puff and whatever tho.

    Your projects look awesome , its not fair I have no one to impress with my DIY so I havnt done any. every Tarzan needs his Jane

  9. Holy shit, MJ, I'm typing this with one hand...

  10. Looking back at the Banana Splits, it seems a pretty disturbing show, although at the time I probably thought it was just "silly" because my parents had told me it was. Eh? What did those square cats know? Hadn't they heard of the flower children, man?

    Tim mentioned Vision On, which was even more frightening and out there.

  11. I loved the Banana Splits and accepted them hook, line & sinker without question. I could even understand the one which sounded like an old-fashioned horn. Happy memories of sitting inches away from the TV drinking sugary colas & sweets full of every E-numbers. Didn't do me any harm at all, no sir, not a bit.

    Remember the cartoons in the middle? Fantastic Voyage & Arabian Knights.

    Shazam! Size of an Elephant!

  12. i am afraid of the banana splits. mind you, i am also afraid of moomins, flumps, the snowmen off of chorlton and the wheelies and that scary-arsed toad from bagpuss.

    *ponders psychotherapy*

  13. I will take all of the credit for this burst of home improvement energy....

  14. I don't care if the kids didn't like them, I did. And especially Witchy-poo. Now who couldn't like her and her sidekicks?

  15. Chaucers married pirate: DEMANDS! nothing but demands! fine! have some pictures! bossy. (X!)

    garfy: a nice bj would have made all the difference in the world, now wouldn't it?

    alala: now ive got that stupid theme song stuck in my head. THANKS. *twitch, flap*

    w2: actually that describes the house that I grew up in. which is why i live in THIS house. but thank you!! *blush, twitch*

    joy: ....oh DANG. you're right! I wonder whatever happened to that kid? he was in the musical 'Oliver' I recall, and stupid Puffinstuff, and then.....gone.

    tim: now I've got to go look them up. I've heard about that show; it was supposed to be kind of disturbing. of course, we like disturbing here at Rancho FirstNations.

    mj: enjoying the taste of second-hand saliva? nothing like a man with a big joint, is there. and he COOKS!!!

    beast: i would like to apologize on behalf of the united states for sid and marty kroft. you were young. you didn't know. now start swinging from some vines, you.

    w2: pretty hot for an aging junkie with a bad back, huh!

    betty: ok now i REALLY HAVE TO go look that show up on youtube. *hoping its 'The Prisoner' of childrens programming*

    frobi: *snif* so young....they were all so young...they didn't know! they couldn't understand!! WHY GOD? WHY? *falls to the floor weeping and gnashing teeth* CURSE YOU SID AND MARTY!!! CURSE YOU!!!!!

    surly: you know what scared me? that bigass green fucker dressed like a plant that they used to advertise frozen vegetables. the Jolly Green Giant. GOD I HATED THAT GUY!!!! although come to think of it, the Teletubbies (and the large,disembodied, glowing baby head they worship) really bother me too.

    gale: she's right. everything I learned about giving a great blow job I learned from Gale, folks. nothing motivates like good oral sex. Gale KNOWS!

    joeVegas: Witchypoo was Cass Elliot! she was the only redeeming thing to come out of the whole mess!

  16. You know what frightened me as a kid
    Minney Mouse
    That horrible squeaky voice and big knobby shoes

  17. I luuuvvvved the Banana Splts, especially Drooper, who was obviously on drugs. After them came Belle & Sebastian, White Horses or The Flashing Blade, depending on the season. Now that was quality programming.

    Can I just ask you are very productive, do you have a job as well as all this DIY, cooking , crafty type stuff and so on that you are always doing, not to mention the excellent blog?

  18. beast: she had cute frilly uns, way. really? you were really scared of minnie mouse? oh well; the SSA used to be deathly afraid of Ronald McDonald so there ya go.

    realdoc: now I'm a full time grandma, but I always did this stuff. im just able to do larger cooking, art and gardening now that i no longer have a kid at home or a job.

  19. puffinstuff.. heh heh... *forgot what he was talkin bout*

  20. Wow, ask and ye shall receive! I wanted photos of projects, and I got photos of projects AND a hot nekkid dude.

    Thou art great.

  21. I wonder if I can put my talent on a resume...course it depends on the job I am going after. You my dear made me laugh today, hee hee

  22. Tim's right.And what makes the Vision On gallery theme so good is .....vibraphone.

  23. voices: the sad things is, that was probably sid and marty's little 'inside joke', too. you see what too much ABBA leads to, voices?? you see why I was worried? DO YOU????

    CB: I know.

    Gale: it worked for Dan Quayle. give it a try.

    Ara: ok, I finally went and checked it out. this one show explains so very very much about a. the british in general, and b. where ol Toad Elevating Moment got the idea for their pacing.