Thursday, November 13, 2008

RERUN: elderly hover peeing and other sins of the mothers

oh for goodness' sake of COURSE its been edited.
this request per SURLYGIRL, who you really need to go see and get reacquainted with because she is rollerbitchin' and live action and funky fresh and also groovy in a happening way!

...ACTUALLY, you know what? SURLYGIRL requested the exorcism story. BEAST requested this one.

Kinda says it all, doesn't it?

You can go to numerous places...say, any tavern, for example- and hear terrifying accounts from men forced to take a dump outside their castle walls. Once I stop laughing I can commiserate, because after all, everyone has to 'vote Republican', right? And eventually you have to do so in a public restroom, where you run the chance of having an audience of people who are not close family. Depending on which part of the South you live in.

But see, guys know nothing about this, not really. Oh, they whine and bitch about being serenaded whether they want to be or not, but has anyone really addressed the horror that is THE WOMEN'S' SIDE OF A PUBLIC RESTROOM? No.
Because it's too horrible.

Of course, that is why I am here.

This, then, is what WE have to contend with.

Nice enough looking woman, right?
You see, from the navel down she's nothing but holding tank. I can say that with complete confidence because a number of years ago it was standard operating procedure for women to have pretty much all their lower organs removed once they'd hit menopause. They'd just pack whatever was left into a plastic bag and let it bob around in there. Meanwhile Zelda is still putting away the sauerkraut and cabbage rolls, only now it has all this ROOM in which to accumulate...and compost...and it's all expected to exit out one hole...a hole upon which gravity, not enough dietary bulk and childbirth have taken a certain toll.

So lets say you're an average female-type gal sitting in a stall taking a leak, maybe humming a little tune, when the swollen ankles and black K-Mart tennies of this woman appear beneath the wall next to you.

They always sigh.

Then there's a Rgnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn. Which is more of a concentrated lack of breathing than it is an actual sound, although sadly this is not always the case.

Then they bear down and WALOOPAGAZOWPAKASPLOOSHKADOOSH WABOBP FRAPPO KADOOSH out gallops every meal they've eaten for the past week.

Then the pyroclastic wave hits. Your shoelaces start crying and crawl away and hide.
The hair on your ankles begins to singe.

Now some women are content to simply expel this burden in one long, LOUD, chunky rush, kind of like when the city flushes the hydrants in the summer.
Other women, midway through this process, become so intent that they evidently lose all sense of their surroundings and begin to emit long, sustained birthing groans.




~Gaslooshasooshagadonk,foosh gadooshgoooooooooosh~

Little ladies can surprise you with their capacity. And they're yippers rather than groaners. But it's the big ones who perform the awe-inspiring crimes against nature.

They are also the ones most frequently guilty of firehosing the entire back wall of the cubicle.

Let's revisit that concept for emphasis, shall we? FIREHOSING.
Over the years they've lost track of where exactly their rear exit is anymore so they just work their pants down over the rolls, bend over and hope some hits the water.

Ever gone into the ladies room in a club and heard the drunk woman in the next cube crying and farting at the same time?
'BwaAAAAAha..." ~fuurrrAAAAAAAAAAP! pt pt'
'Hic, Uwuaaaaa,huh hwaaaa,WwAAAA haaaaaaa!"
~FFFFFFFFFFFfft pt pt pt`

It's tragic.

At Charlies' on Capitol Hill all this was playing out one drunken evening when my glasses fell off and clattered under into the adjoining stall. She handed them back to me.
"H H H Here, are thehehese yours?"
I thanked her. "Listen, are you ok?"
"Y Yeah, I'm fiiiiii huhiiiiii hi hi hine UWAAAAAAAAAA...." ~FFRAP! pt pt pt~

OK then.

Many older women have a deep aversion to placing their bottoms onto a seat which has recently supported the bare buns of a stranger. And that's understandable. Use one of those hippie t-shirt things in the wall dispenser. Or craft your own ass gasket out of toilet paper, Martha Stewart style.

But no. That will not do.

No, these women would rather STAND UP AND PISS ALL OVER THEIR OWN FEET.

And their pantslegs. And their shoes.

Because peeing all over yourself is ALWAYS WAY BETTER than sitting on a bare toilet seat. EW GROSS A BARE TOILET SEAT EWWWWW.

You glance over and see a pair of trembly blue veined old ankles with some big old underpants streeeeeetching out between them as elderly Mrs. Anonymous Potty Person tries to convince those Teflon hips to let her straddle the bowl and you can pretty much be certain it's gonna rain.

And it does. All you can do is hope the floor slopes away from your position. You think I am exaggerating. HA.

The rest stop on I-5 at Smokey Point seems to be where all their potty alarms start ringing at the same time. I've been sitting in there when an entire flock of old ladies has gathered to stage a group performance of ELDERLY SYNCHRONIZED HOVER PEEING.

Invariably, these are the woman who pee in splurts.
Or who make motorboat noises.
Imagine Angelina Jolie with a mouthful of Mountain Dew making motorboat noises.
That's what I mean.
And then you hear them flush, and then here they come out of the stalls, chattering away, and off they go, feeling that sense of accomplishment that comes of having successfully avoided sitting on a DISGUSTING BARE TOILET SEAT, soaked with piss from the knees down.

Some of you may be too young to remember these.

No. Not butts; girdles.

Now, in the '60's, back when coelecanths ruled the earth and I was a little kid, all the older ladies wore them. You were supposed to wear them over your big old underpants but nobody did, because with nothing to grip they'd slip and shift suddenly and flub would come shooting out in odd places. And back then girdles were still made with rubber...either rubberized sateen, or just...plain rubber.
This is a recipe for evil.

1. Rubber girdles......had an......aroma. Already. Right out of the box. A very rubbery aroma.
2. Rubber girdles were not machine washable.
Hand wash only. In the bathroom sink. Strange. Tan. Floaty. MOMMY THERES A SCARY THING IN THE BATHROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM
3. Rubber girdles DID NOT BREATHE LIKE EGYPTIAN COTTON. (Except for this one, which looks it could have been played like an ocarina.)

No, very little air passed in and out of a rubber girdle.
....Except when it did so under pressure, in a series of sharp little reports, out the waistband or the legholes. SNAP! SNABABABAP!
And remember - this air had exited first through an aperture better left unimagined and then spent an unknown amount of time racing desperately around and around the hot, sweaty, compressed flub of a fat womans ass like a hamster in a Habitrail.
As Redd Foxx points out, this woman may have been riding in a taxi cab. This woman may have run to catch a bus. She may have had liver and onions for lunch.
Usually she was standing next to me on the elevator in Meyer and Franks. Giving ME dirty looks every time it happened.


  1. I luv you Nations!!
    You are the funniest person on this planet!

    My sides are aching..that was killer funny and it's all true innit?

    Those sweet, little, ole, eviscerated, Grannies are in actuality little more than slow-moving, semi-portable, septic tanks. I will make sure that I don't bump into one with my shopping cart at Mallwort.

    Brilliant...Every last hilarious word of it.
    5 STARS

  2. That girdle makes your ass look big.

    *farts and exits*

  3. I am crying with laughter, the hospital may call in the police to drag me off, chortling and gasping holding my sides as I leave.

    Secondly I always viewed public bathrooms as something to be avoided but if one must, choose your times wisely and always go for the handicap stall, more room.

    The best ABSOLUTELY BEST public (sort of) bathroom I ever visited was in the Drake Hotel in Chicago. There were about 6 or 7 little indivisual bathrooms and you actually entered each bathroom by way of an outer sitting area where presumabely your maid waited to hold your shopping bags. It was FABulous, I tell you!

  4. When you gotta go....I just go. In retaliation for all the noises and smells that I have indured. No hovering tho. ick

  5. *wonders why rubber girdles are out of fashion*

  6. When I was a kid and my grandmother took me to the bathroom in department stores she used to drive it in to me that I was never, ever to sit on a public toilet seat under any circumstances. As a result of her brainwashing I hover-peed until I was a teenager, and learned that there is far more bacteria on a doorknob than a toilet seat. I have been happily sitting down ever since.

  7. I confess, I do the martha stewart style toilet seat gasket thingy. My mother would never let us sit on a "strange" toilet seat. Because of her, I also cannot walk around barefoot in any hotel room (except the W in San Fran. Sweet!). But I digress! This was hysterical and so true. Preach it sista!

  8. And it worse even worse in the evil days of pay toilets.
    (But it's funny to read today!)

  9. oh fuck me sideways. as if i didn't have enough reasons to never have children. (vomits)

  10. Yer porn has made me erect and sick at the same time this post just made me sick, I will never be able to rim a woman ever again.

  11. One wonders why we need Wikipedia when we have you.

  12. HA Ha HA , that was even better than I remember it .
    Excellent post :-)))

    I now have an aversion to fermenting old ladies

  13. What a superb turn of phrase you have FN.

    An ex-gf told me the story of her being so drunk during the 'hover' piss, she failed to notice, until after the second attempt, that the lid was down!

  14. i don't have the balance for hovering. luckily, when using public toilets i'm usually drunk enough not to care.

    i do, however, have an awesome capacity for holding on if i need to go. with the derelict asylums, you see, it's easy for boys to go pee. myself, i'm not dropping trou anyhere filled with munge/asbestos/rats/pikeys/spores.

    you're welcome.

  15. FN, I just LOVE the way you write! This is just tooooo funny!

    Again, as a nurse, I can attest to the stuff that comes out of people. Try dealing with that in an open ward with 22 patients in beds (I work in a dialysis unit in a hospital) and one of them needs a bedpan.... if you think it is bad in a restroom, just think of being stuck in that room for 8 hours! I don't know how more patients don't die - from asphyxiation!!!

    We go through a helluva lot of air freshener spray! OMG! I have to print this one out and take it to work this evening! I laughed outloud so much my dog came to see what was going on!

  16. Hmm, this seems to be the week for potty humour. Ah well, it's still good writing.

    One benefit for going to the 'finer' establishments, they usually are cleaner. Some of the casinos here used to have an attendent in each restroom, that would clean a stall after every visitor. (with financial cutbacks not so much any more)

  17. Hello FN, I was sent here by MJ...
    scary and very, very true...