Monday, January 26, 2009

rerun: Black Lynx Caution the Five Angry Diatom!!!!!

q: What is a dugong?

The dugong is a member of a small group of aquatic mammals known as 'Sirenia'. Other members include the manatee (which is not nearly as fun a word to say as 'dugong' so we'll just pretend that it doesn't exist) and the (now extinct) Stellars' Sea Cow.

...yes, it's two you-know-what-atees. it's my blog and i'm calling them dugongs.

...which was in fact not terribly cow-like; it was more like a big hippo-seal type thing.
Although it would be really cool if it HAD been like an aquatic cow and it gave milk and said 'moo'? and like maybe it had these huge horns that stuck out REALLY FAR and they would stampede and they'd get in cool fights and stuff? and divers could go down and have rodeos and the seaweed would be like tumbleweeds?

Centuries ago, the first Dugong sightings were reported in the logbooks of Spanish sailors who (upon seeing the bald, grey, flippered animals swimming around chewing on seaweed and burping) immediately mistook them for a race of seagoing human women.

This may say more about Spanish femininity than we care to know.

q: Where do dugongs come from?
a: Duh; the ocean.
q: Oh Jesus fine. What is the life cycle of the dugong?
a: Ah. Well then. That's an interesting question.

When a mommy dugong and a daddy dugong love one another very much, they want to share that love with a baby dugong. So the Mommy dugong lies on her back, and the daddy dugong orders one from Ikea.
But ordering from Ikea can take time, and sometimes the quality sucks, so the smart mommy and daddy dugong usually go to the KING OF THE DUGONGS and ask him for one.; it gets bigger. waaaaaaaay bigger.

This is the beginning of a magical, mysterious process that has very seldom been documented on film. Are you paying attention? I said put down the damn ocarina and pay attention. I don't care if it's called a sweet potato in the rural South put the damn thing DOWN.

Opie, King of the Dugongs, goes out to a sacred place far, far back in the woods where small dugong bulbs lay dormant in the soil. At his command, a small gnome-like creature emerges from the grass and begins excavating.

It digs and digs and digs and digs, throwing soil everywhere and getting exceedingly filthy...soil in its ears, soil in its butt crack, soil absolutely everywhere.

...until finally, the first tiny newborn dugong emerges.

Close enough.

q: Is communication with dugongs possible?
Yes! Recent experiments using extra sensory perception have yielded undreamed-of results in the field of dugong-human communication.

Here a diver uses the 'mind meld' technique.

"Can you understand me, fellow earth dweller? Gentle giant of the sea, can you understand me?"


Q: Do dugongs spy on America and then give all our secrets to hostile foreign powers?
a: Yes. they sneak up on your when you are swimming and yell "DUGONG!" in your ear real loud and then swim away.

Dugongs SUCK.

q: Do dugongs migrate?

a: During certain times of the year the trans-oceanic currents shift, and with this shift comes a subtle change in the temperature of the sea. ...image of migrating dugongs thanks to KYAHGIRL

This is the signal that the dugongs have been waiting for.
Once a reliable source of medical-grade helium has been found and the deliveries completed, they line up along the shore in the light of the full moon, wait for a favorable wind, and ascend towards the stars.

Aren't you glad that only happens in Florida? Talk about making a mess of your car. I mean that would be RASTY. They're herbivores.


  1. Glad the prevailing winds are from the West, let Europe appreciate them first.

  2. What did I have to say about this the first time?

    Whatever it was, it still stands.

  3. 500 linkbacks!!!! Dunno??Dont even know how that works???
    Hope All Well With You?

  4. I think I need a clue phone. Maybe they are available at hmmm maybe Are Dugongs bovine? If so I smell another invasion conspiracy....must get some aspirin...headache...

  5. I never trusted them damned dugongs and that explains the dreaful mess on my car , I was blaming some big old loose bowelled sea gull or them russian students(They eat too much beetroot)

  6. Anonymous10:02 PM

    I used to have a platypus so I can tell you that what you think is a baby dugong isn't. Never had a dugong. Never been had by a dugong either. And I live in the same country.
    (PS those big things in Florida are not really dugongs - they're New York retirees who still think polyester bermuda shorts are fashionable. But they could still mess your car! )

  7. i was in florida and had really long hair when i was about 12/13 years old...was out swimming and felt what i thought was seaweed in my i flipped it back hoping to get it wasn't...i turned and saw a dugong face to face...scared the living shit out of me and i swam so fast into shore that my fingers were bleeding from hitting the sand...i have been teased by family since that time and have a vast collection of them...

  8. Anonymous5:10 AM

    Sehr efreulich zu sehen, dass Gabelschwanzseekühe endlich gewürdigt werden!

  9. joeVegas: France in particular. that'll larn 'em.

    mj: you said you were going to pay me 500$ U.S. because you enjoyed it so much. and I'm still waiting.

    tony: I think whats happening is that every time you bop here from Wordpress its creating a link. hell, I'll take it! XX!

    retro: with any cows the threat of invasion and takeover is always a worry. they're vicious. VICIOUS I TELL YOU.

    beast: remember the french funk that everyone was complaining about last summer? THAT WAS DUGONGS. they were hovering over france appreciating all the 'superiority'.

    Dinah: CLOSE ENOUGH! *snif* they didn't have pictures of new baby dugongs on the net! I TRIED! *snif* I did. and next time you come across a platy send him to ME. i love them real good.

    mago: Ok, now, this is the best translation I could find on the net-
    "To see very efreulich that fork tail lake cows are lauded finite!"

    which was pretty much worth rerunning this post just to see. I have no idea what you're getting at, franconia man, but god help you you've found a home here.

  10. Anonymous8:23 AM

    Sooner or later everybody ends up with a Gabelschwanzseekuh.

  11. mago: but don't most people have them removed by a doctor?

  12. I don't know - manatee is quite a fun word to say if you pitch your voice up on the final syllable.

    Our car has died by the way. It's obviously the fault of the dugongs migration through the firth of forth on their way to sunnier climes...

  13. Anonymous5:50 PM

    WHACK it OFF I say !

  14. know, this was the first entry of yours I ever read...

    They haven't gotten any further with the helium thing since then huh?