Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Quaint vignettes from my charming rural idyll



This was taken as I stood directly before a manifestation of God's anger; an ANGRY SABLE CLOUDAL PROW OF ELECTRICAL DESTRUCTION WITH ALL THUNDER AND LIGHTENING GOING SMACK! BAM! FIRE! AND ALL HUGE SMOKING CRATERS OF VITRIFIED FORMER GRADE SCHOOL AND PARTS OF BURNED UP KIDS FLYING ALL OVER AND LEXUS DEALERSHIPS WITH DEATH, AND FLAMES. This is looking WWN toward where MJ used to live before God destroyed it. I mean, just look at this! God is just stomping the crap out of Canada.

...just freaking pitiful

Note how you can clearly see the slashing streaks of Gods' precipitational judgement hammering down upon the teeming, apostate humanity which climb around all over British Columbia, commiting sins, failing to wipe properly and generally messing it up. Meanwhile....

As you can see, God is sparing America. This is because our stuff is the coolest plus we have FREEDOM.

How much clearer does it have to be? God's even following the federally designated boundary between the USA (yay) and the godless cheeser hordes (boo)!
See? Right on the other side of that line of trees is the Canadian Border. And Canada is GONE. It is NO MORE. It's been WIPED OFF THE MAP, BABY. This is what happens when you piss off God. God will flat TAKE YOU OUT.

Here you can see the pulverized pieces of former Canada that have fallen all over my lawn, which I just overseeded a couple of months ago. This happened in three minutes. It's still happening in the picture, which is why its kind of blurry. See, though, this is pretty typical; Canada pisses off God and then I get stuck with a bunch of burnt-up Celine Dion chunks trashing up my yard.

Here we are looking SWW: Lynden is looking good.

...which it continued to do for another two minutes, when this happened:

OK now wait.

OK now wait. Where is Lynden?
...well wait though. OK, I can live with that. Seriously, Lynden is kind of annoying. I'll just shop in Bellingham and wait. What the fuck.


...well SHIT.

*scraps plans to rule a post-apocalyptic Canadian wasteland dressed in motocross gear and a loincloth riding around in a dunebuggy firing a machine gun and oppressing people*


Heres another couple of pictures I took just this morning:

Just another sunny gorgeous morning here in Sumas. Meanwhile, up on Dead Drug Dealer Mountain, a blanket of cloud hides the summit from view...

...then moves away, leaving behind a blanket of light snow five minutes later. This is how quickly things happen and how localized the weather phenomena are here. Lets all give my million dollar view a big hand, shall we? Isn't it excellent?


  1. Lovely pictures! I'm sure the Canadians have something planned.
    So if there is a power outage in Canada does it stop at the Washington boarder? We must be swapping kilowatts somewhere. R

  2. I have never been to Canada, now I am rethinking that silly notion.
    Perhaps I will go east or something. Do you have anything on east?

  3. hear hear! (that's my feeble applause). Loved the photos. I feel I actually experienced the storminess.

  4. George Washington would never have got a job with the Hudson Bay Company. His chin was too big and his wig was stupid.

    I'm with the Canucks, and I'll whup anybody who disagrees with me with my birch bark canoe.

  5. Retro: how you doin chickie????XO! You know, thats a good question. Sometimes we do lose power and sometimes not. I think thats more to do with the fact that when it does storm it sits right overhead and strikes about a hundred times all over our small 25mile radius area o' microclimactic weirdness. everyones substation is likely to take a hit. I missed you last summner! Shit, do you work or something? It's like you have a full time job or something. sheesh.

    Gale: actually, Canada is awesome. It really is. Its just that according to article 45 of the Constitution I as an American am obliged to all dis on them hockey ninjas. yo.

    Joy: it was some stormyass stormyness, too. I tell you what. spring and fall here are just nuts. good thing I had nowhere to go today, in fact; I was cut down to a 6 mile radius because of flooding.

    garfy: george washington didn't WANT to work for Hudsons Bay company ANYWAY. it was full of frenchmen. *fills canoe with substandard pelts and dysentery*

  6. It's only BC that gets vaporized on a regular basis. Here in The Prairies, we just go into suspended animation for 1/2 the year when the thermometer plummets to -532 and the universe freezes solid.

    But we're indestructible, you know... as you clearly saw with your own eyes. And even more so here in Siberi... I mean Manitoba, because we can freeze solid and then thaw out and carry on as if we were normal!

    So glad you're back, Nations!!! Missed you!!!!!

  7. It was just a bit of hail and rain for gawdssakes.

    What do you EXPECT?

    It's NOVEMBER in the Pacific NorthWest!

    Have you got a bicycle in that shed?

  8. Oh, and my umbrella turned inside out.

    News at eleven.

  9. ponita: Thanks! Once things were back to as normal as they get around here I realized that i missed youse.

    mj: The bicycle is behind the garage smoking a cigarette. your umbrella is in my shed, and la plume du moi tante ees een la bureau du mon oncle. why do you care whats in my damn shed? my chippers in my shed. my lawnmowers in my shed. i probably have at least one deceased cat in my shed by now...some tomato cages...QUIT BUGGING ME ABOUT MY SHED!!!!! *hides from sheddal demands*

  10. I bet that shed is filled with toilet planters and a lycra draped shrine to the god of cycling , hence the sacrificial dead cat.

    The weather looks awesome , its good to see God smiting the heathen Canadian hordes.

    I am hoping MJ's 'umbrella' isnt a euphemism

  11. A little rain in the North ... drama queen.
    What kind of plants do you sell? It's all about homegrowing yes?

  12. I'll bet there's the bodies of several road kill bicyclists in that shed. And more buried in the garden. It's her secret for growing lush, healthy plants.

  13. I guess there's a kind of plantage inside and she does grow any kind of lunatic brainmesher on strictly organic basis - squat! (A new word I learned at The Infomaniac).

  14. So much for all that Manifest Destiny bullsh*t!

    The Creator of the YOUniverse loves Canada waaaaaay more than the US of eh?
    Because we are f*cking polite as hell that's why!

    Anyway "GOD" does not control the weather, the Ruskies do and they have since the early 50s.

  15. What do you mean "US funds only"?

    My Loonies are good here!

  16. Oh, and thank you, BEAST, for mentioning Ms. Nations' collection of TOILET PLANTERS which she has conveniently squirrel away off camera.

  17. Yep, yep, yep...the shed's where she hides the toilet planters from pryin' eyes! Can't fool us!

  18. Organic gardening devices ...

  19. I bet it's a tandem in that shed.

    Fantastic view clap clap clap.

  20. And then God lovingly and graciously restores Canada SO HE CAN SMITE IT AGAIN! Huzzah!

  21. FATTY: no no no, silly rabbit, thats what Jehovah's Witnesses are for! bicyclists provide nothing but additional carbon and since every dog in the world craps in my yard already I don't need any more of that.


    THERE ARE NO TOILET PLANTERS ANYWHERE ON MY PROPERTY NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. NOT EVEN ON THE SAME BLOCK AS MY PROPERTY IS. There's a penis fence (sumas avenue and alley, first house down on the right headed east), theres any number of lawn gnomes and plastic swan planters scattered about town, fine. theres a rat factory full of crazy people next door to me and two doors down are some apartments where you can buy heroin, E, meth and pot. BUT THERE ARE NO TOILET PLANTERS ON MY PROPERTY. NO NO NO NO NO. NO TOILET PLANTERS. NO KISSING DUTCH CHILDREN. NO WINDMILLS. NO LIGHTHOUSES. NO GNOMES, CEMENT DEER, FROGGIES WITH GLASSES, PLASTER MUSHROOMS, CEMENT STEPPINGSTONES WITH KIDS HANDPRINTS, PLASTIC CHICKEN FAMILIES OR

    just no.

  22. What about dwarves being used as slave labour?

  23. Methinks the lady protests to much

  24. It has been a bit damp here as well. And blowy - unsurprisingly France has entirely dissappeared - probably sunk I should think...linked to the Canada phenomenon I expect via Quebec..

  25. What is a rat factory? They built rats? Custommade?

  26. Someone mention rats?

    Michael Moore sez Canada is nice and people leave their front doors open and people only get shot cuz of the crazy Yanks coming over the border!!!!

    Can you see the Northern Lights from Canada?

    btw, your shed kicks ass

  27. mj: thats the only thing dwarves are good for is slave labor. they're indoors, painting the mopboards and chipping gum off from beneath the chairs and tables.

    beast: OH YEAH? check out the picture of you out on your front porch that Frobi just sent me. He took it yesterday from across the street. Uh huh. Busted. busted BIGTIME.


    mago: I'll be doing a post on the very subject of rat factories very soon here, mago. oh yes.

    frobi: Michael Moore is for the larger part correct. I'm serious. And all the gunplay up yonder is being brought for the most part by middle eastern and far eastern persons of various persuasion who are either battling over drugs, gang turf, or whether or not the temple across the street should have folding chairs or not. I am absolutely serious. those Sikhs are serious about their damn furniture.

  28. frobi2: and guess what? I can see the Northern Lights from my HOUSE. conditions have to be just right, but yeah! it looks like a faint green chiffon veil rippling across the stars. its very odd!

  29. Frobisher said
    btw, your shed kicks ass

    Frobisher you big smarmy suckass
    I feel soiled

    PS. it is a nice shed :-)

  30. Hay!

    I got en - chanted ... geddit? en 'CHANT' ed... oh well....

  31. Canada wasn' decimated? Bugger...that means F's ex-wife is still capable of contact...

  32. What's with the giant auger by the shed? I mean seriously, how kinky/constipated are you?