What has FirstNations been doing lately, you ask?
1. Not doing a hell of a lot to quit smoking.
2. Gauge'n her ears out. I am presently wearing what appear to be large stainless steel curlicue fish hooks though each earlobe and while I don't recall the exact gauge they are about as big around as a common framing nail. They look wicked cool and divert attention away from the fact that I am 50, and dye my hair. Seriously. It works.
3. Chillaxin' here at the Rancho next to the heater while the ass half of me freezes (1 degree Fahrenheit, which is 'Shit, we ran out of degrees it was so fucking cold' in Celsius) and the other half of me watches large pieces of other peoples' barns whip past at 30mph. Well, actually that was the week before last. It snowed at some point during the proceedings but it all turned into freezing white sand and blew away north someplace. Of course, the only thing north of here is Canada. And our used snow. So that's OK.
4. Trying to offload some excess muffin top after a Lucullan Thanksgiving at my sons' place. Two duckies, half a delicious sugar saturated pig bottom, lots of gravy and gratuitous usage of butter makes Muks chubby. You too.
5. Slapping on the Retin-A with the same clandestine recklessness as Michael Moore hiding in a rented room with a jumbo sized jar of Nutella and a big spoon. And the news is: the stuff WORKS. I mean, the stuff works crazy good. Are you all old and shit? Run out right now and get you a big ol' Costco-sized jug of Roc and start slapping it all over yourself. It actually reverses time. Did you see that Superman movie where he makes the world revolve backward so fast that time itself reverses? Exactly like that. I now look just like my third grade class photograph.
6. Making a lot of bread. Loaf bread, not money bread. Although you'd be happy to pay money to eat this bread because it's really that good. I turned out a challah for Thanksgiving that would have made the Pope reverse his circumcision. Really.
1. Not doing a hell of a lot to quit smoking.
2. Gauge'n her ears out. I am presently wearing what appear to be large stainless steel curlicue fish hooks though each earlobe and while I don't recall the exact gauge they are about as big around as a common framing nail. They look wicked cool and divert attention away from the fact that I am 50, and dye my hair. Seriously. It works.
3. Chillaxin' here at the Rancho next to the heater while the ass half of me freezes (1 degree Fahrenheit, which is 'Shit, we ran out of degrees it was so fucking cold' in Celsius) and the other half of me watches large pieces of other peoples' barns whip past at 30mph. Well, actually that was the week before last. It snowed at some point during the proceedings but it all turned into freezing white sand and blew away north someplace. Of course, the only thing north of here is Canada. And our used snow. So that's OK.
4. Trying to offload some excess muffin top after a Lucullan Thanksgiving at my sons' place. Two duckies, half a delicious sugar saturated pig bottom, lots of gravy and gratuitous usage of butter makes Muks chubby. You too.
5. Slapping on the Retin-A with the same clandestine recklessness as Michael Moore hiding in a rented room with a jumbo sized jar of Nutella and a big spoon. And the news is: the stuff WORKS. I mean, the stuff works crazy good. Are you all old and shit? Run out right now and get you a big ol' Costco-sized jug of Roc and start slapping it all over yourself. It actually reverses time. Did you see that Superman movie where he makes the world revolve backward so fast that time itself reverses? Exactly like that. I now look just like my third grade class photograph.
6. Making a lot of bread. Loaf bread, not money bread. Although you'd be happy to pay money to eat this bread because it's really that good. I turned out a challah for Thanksgiving that would have made the Pope reverse his circumcision. Really.
In the quest for better bread I even made myself a new little friend: it's name is Dave, and it is a sourdough starter that lives in a mason jar in my kitchen. I feed Dave some flour and honey and a little of this and that and then shake the living daylights out of it a couple of times every day and then when Dave gets good and bubbly I dump off part and make bread with it. Owning a Dave is like owning a dog....it smells funny, its gassy and you have to feed it every day, but unlike a dog it doesn't hump the baby or eat cat crap.
7. Working on a super spectacular post about Canada, which is a secret.
8. Having a head cold.
9. Sitting underneath a nice new haircut, which is really really short.
10. Owning three new tattoos: an einkorn plant on the inside of each forearm going from the center of my palm up to the inside of my elbow:
7. Working on a super spectacular post about Canada, which is a secret.
8. Having a head cold.
9. Sitting underneath a nice new haircut, which is really really short.
10. Owning three new tattoos: an einkorn plant on the inside of each forearm going from the center of my palm up to the inside of my elbow:
...this exact picture, only I copied it so it would be one whole plant and made the roots look better and drew in a taproot that ran down into the lifeline of my palm which didn't feel real wonderful but was worth it, plus both plants mirror one another which looks awesome.
...and a nice picture of John Lee Hooker on my left shoulderblade. Jimi Hendrix is next up, and he'll be on my right shoulderblade. And yeah, I know exactly what you're thinking and you should get your mind out of the gutter.
That's what I'm doing.
What are you doing?
So you're about 19 now? The hair, the ear nails, the tats... That Retin-A is pretty powerful stuff!
ReplyDeleteCan't wait to read what #7 is gonna be all about. So it was you who sent all the snow to Vancouver? I don't think they appreciated it at all... bunch of wimps! They can't be real Canadians...
And what am I doing? Me, I'm making me a pretty plum evening dress for my work Christmas party and hopin' like hell that my man can get back into town to come with me! Being a trucker sucks when it comes to social events... *sigh* That's in between shovelling shitloads of snow. We've got over 20 inches already and it's not even December yet!
We cannot get Retin -A here without a prescription , so one has to resort to the old orbital sander to smooth out the passage of time.
ReplyDeleteI tried keeping a dave a while ago , but something peculiar happened and it exploded in my kitchen cupboard and made a shocking nasty smelling mess (much like having a dog or an elderly relative about the place as you say).
We too have unseasonably early snow and freezing temperatures , its warmer in the cafe C fridges than it is in the kitchen(I know as I have sat in there just to warm up a bit.
I cant wait for your Canada post and suggest that you have Mick Jagger and Keef Richards tattooed on your knees . actually on thinking about it Keef would be ideal from a scrotum tat , given all them wrinkles
Joining the line on Ebay for the Roc goo.
ReplyDeleteCarving the burned bits off the Christmas cake before taking an axe to the oven. The oven that during 2 1/2 hours of baking and 1/2 hour of pre-heating didn't stay at required temperature. Really looking forward to baking the mince pies.
Looking for an Anglican church (medium, low, high, I'm past caring)that isn't a creche.
Drinking. See above.
Einkorn? So you have monococcus on your arms. You could have some Dinkel too, guess it is called "spelt" in English. Carefull with the Mutterkorn, that's the road to Eleusis and its dangerous.
ReplyDeleteI was reading. What else?
nothing compared to you, sugar! xoxoxox
ReplyDeleteI just love your "WordSalad" titles. And I want a Dave where can I get one?
ReplyDeleteBeen too darn wet here to do much outside. Guess I"ll just have to keep knitting scarves.
I made a whole batch of Strawberry Jam last week and am waiting on the Apricots and plums in the garden to ripen so thay can go into the jam pot too.. Not much chance of that happening with all this rain....
Knit one Purl one..
I have a Dave but he is languishing in the bottom drawer of the fridge. I have never fed him honey. And when I do take him out I make pancakes. The world's best. I used him as bait once for a gorgeous blonde biker but the biker had his own Dave and got away. I was sad.
ReplyDeleteI am going to school and the class this month is on Constitutional Law. I am learning shit I had forgotten some 30 years back.
I have no new tats and my hair is old as me or something like that.
Any cheese puffs here? They seem to have run out over at Infomaniac.
ReplyDeleteIs your Canada story tied in with cheese puffs?
ReplyDeleteYou're going to mention cheese in it though, aren't you?
Hey everybody! Wanna chip in to get Beast a Keef scrotum tat?
FN; Please post a picture of your ear gauge, I am very curious to see what it looks like.
ReplyDeleteI want a tatoo on my scalp, all of it so that if I ever have chemotherapy there will be something underneath when the hair all falls out, or if I go bald....
but I fear I am not quite that brave. Retro
PS: I have a Dave also and it needs to be fed honey, I only drag it out for sour dough pancakes.
You live a fascinating life woman. Me, I've been looking for a j. o. b. (still). And in between submitting resumes online to every freaking company in my vicinity, I've been surfing the interwebs for lots of stuff.
ReplyDeleteSince I read this, I've been looking into starting a sour dough starter. Don't suppose you could share your method here someday? I'm determined to bake bread. (and hopefully make some bread/money soon too)
Also, I copied your laudenum (sp?) recipe for later use. Maybe Christmas presents this year? That's the kind of friends I've got. I would be a hero. But I'll give you all the credit, promise.
Off to find some ROC online. Hopefully cheap.....
oxox!
Um, while I would no doubt benefit from generous and frequent application of retin-A, the only experience I have to go on is that a former boss. She had me pick up her scrip, (obscene dollars worth).
ReplyDeleteShe put it on the promptly grew brand new skin so fast she couldn't scrub the dead cells off fast enough so it was a strange contrast of very pink skin, some wrinkles and face dandruff. I will simply nourish my wrinkles thanks. Retro