Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Yes I know I know I know ALL RIGHT ALREADY I haven't posted in a longass time I'M SORRY. Actually no I'm not.  It's been a very intense few months.

Awhile back I had to fill out an assessment form which was used to determine whether or not my grandson had ADD-ADHD.  Different behaviors, coping styles, things like that; rated them on a scale of severity or occurrence.  As I was going through I began to notice that not only did it describe my grandson, it described ME. 

Long story short, I gots it. Bigtime. Oh holy shit bigtime.

Now this is quite a paradigm shift.  You think of yourself as relating to the world directly, right; I mean why wouldn't you?...until suddenly you find out you've merely been coping with reality for 52 years through an intervening perceptual disorder? Yeah, you'd have your paradigm shifted too. 

Learning about ADD has been very illuminating, by which I mean 'comprehensively suck-ass.'  I haven't felt this kind of  crawling embarrassment about myself, looking back on my past actions, since I was a hormone-addled 12 - year - old.  On the other hand, there's finally being able to identify the problem and the relief of being able to change it...a relief that I've been clinging to like a tubercular steerage passenger clinging to a lifeboat surrounded by icebergs since it is the only  fucking thing that's been easy or pleasant about this.

Well fine, there's been the sudden dramatic decrease in the level of bullshit too.  I've gone from being an unwitting victim of ADD to being very proactive, relentlessly directed and able to maintain certainty.  And that last item has been key.  For me, the issue of 'certainty' has been the number one quality that made ADD so debilitating. 

When lack of certainty is hardwired into your experience of reality,  it means that every single waking moment of your life is ruled and defined by a constantly shifting ability to experience stable meaning... and the subsequent core drive to attain it.  Anything snares ones' attention, inspires repeated examination,  leads to questions which lead off into other avenues of unrelated inquiry, which leads to opening 15 different programs on your computer which is by your wallet which makes you wonder where your keys are and also reminds you of Francis Scott Key andOH LOOK A DACHSHUND.  It happens instantly.  All the time.  Just like that you're way off track, and there's a dachshund.

When I say 'a constantly shifting ability to experience stable meaning', I should point out that there are times when the range of shift is mild, and even times that it actually locks into the correct location on the scale and operates the way it's supposed to. Of course,  you can't depend on that happening either. Imagine the fun.

It's only since I've been taking Ritalin (Adderal ended in flames; made me barf all the time - Strattera turned me into an Emo, only not fun to be around or carefree and upbeat like an Emo, and 52) that I've really gotten a lock on this, and in the course of doing so I have come to two conclusions:

1.  I get a lot more things done now.

2. I am a lot happier now.

And that's a very good place to be, kats and kittens.  Better late than never.

I am the last person on earth to discover Last FM, aren't I.  Yeah, it's sad. 

My husband and I were using Rhapsody, which turned out to be a complete boondoggle as far as I'm concerned.  You subscribe, thats nice, right up until they decide that their reconnection period should be two weeks long instead of a month every so often, just for shits and giggles, and you get hit with a dead player out in the middle of East Chucklafuck.  Their library was not as inclusive or complete as I would have liked it to be either. In general it glitched constantly, loaded slow and required an inordinate amount of time dicking around with settings and controls and updates and synching and using the less than helpful 'Help' pages.  I must say, though, their customer support people were very nice. 

Last FM, though, is pretty sweet.  I've been using the hell out of it.  It's nice to simply choose music and play music, instead of calling Bill Gates on the phone every five minutes and sobbing into a handkercheif while he burns sage on your cpu and dances around in a loincloth.  Tell you what, it definitely beats GrooveShark all to hell.  It does seem a little 'Skrillex-centric', but then everything is lately *bats away  nice sprites*.

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