this one fo my bitch CB: HE'S ALIVE!!! and filming turtle porn!

I was given a request. Adam and Eve and the fall and all that. Here it all is pretty much in a nutshell...
One day in the bonsai forest, a mysterious french gothic structure appeared. Its' purpose was unclear. A tree-dwelling herpmaid provided tennis balls to a pregnant naked woman, who attempted to make Perspective Butt Guy eat them. "Here", she said, despite his warding gesture " Eat this before I bonk you with it." A man in a blue bathrobe demostrated elocution. Then something big and red with way more wings than were entirely necessary admonished them through a french gothic gate while they clutched fig leaves to their groinal regions and looked as bemused by the whole experience as I am. Perhaps because they had suddenly found themselves standing in the middle of a prarie dog village.

Ok fine. I'll tell it right. God creates the world. Then he creates things to run around on the world. Then he creates Adam. I guess kind of to be the boss of things and rake up the leaves and pick up poo and whatnot. Heres Adam:

Now see, he looks like a ready for anything kinda guy, right?

(This is NOT DENDROPHILIA. This is a bible story. Maybe Eden was really breezy or he had shrinkage issues. Don't judge. You don't know him.)

He lived in this great garden that God had made full of animals and every kind of plant, and oceans and whales and leviathans and stuff they don't even have anymore.
Heres Eden:
No, thats not Eden. I know the caption says it is, but it isn't. Like I am so sure they had folding lawn chairs in Eden. Ha! I say. You could just sit on the grass. There weren't any fire ants or ticks or poky grass or sticks or anything like that.
Although if you look really really hard you will notice that a lot of the people in this picture are kind of naked. Bermuda shorts lady? That ain't no bandeau. Airbrush. Yup.





Ok, this is a little closer. See what I mean by biodiversity back then? Lambs, German Shepards, Liono Thundercat, an aurochs, colonial children, miniature asiatic waiters and riparian Quakers. And a canoe.





Now this is just stupid. The name of this is "Garden of Eden' but theres way too many people there, folks. And NO FURNITURE; HELLO!
Please tell me whats going on in the corner there on the lower right? You have a man in a corset hiding a dead cat behind him, who is to all appearances just flat boring the crap out of an angel. Yeah: shes heard it aaaaall before.


God decided to create a companion for Adam; Eve.


Eve: "Listen, thanks, God. You have no idea what it was like in there. I mean, the guys been a vegetarian his whole life, do you UNDERSTAND what I'm getting at here?"

There is something so self-satisfied, so arch, so sneering about the way Klimt portrayed his women. You see here no exception. Ladies and gentlemen, I present Aryan Eve. Just the way God would have made her...naiive, blonde and virginal: yes, she's the PERFECT woman, is our Eve.

Grrrrr.










Anyway, they had a nice life, Adam And Eve. He kept an eye on the llamas while Eve grilled up vegetables on the barbecue.

"Hey look! Here comes Raphael! He tells the best stories. Funny, funny guy."
"Yeah, funny how he's always in time for dinner. Goes through the Gardenburgers like Linda McCartney too."

When all the chores were done they would merrily romp through the poppy fields, tend the cannibis plot, prune the datura forest and harvestthe magic mushroom lawn, then race each other across the vodka lake.

All that activity makes a person hungry.

And the hamburger tree had been picked clean by javelinas.

" Why not have a nice refreshing Apple", said the representative from the Wenatchee Valley Apple Growers Association.

Ha ha, no, I mean the serpent. The SERPENT told Eve. Eve told Adam. Both of them had a nice refreshing apple.

And a strategically placed branch.

And boy oh boy. God was not pleased.

The angels were not pleased.

The flying baby heads were not pleased.

"It was her, man, I swear it. She made me do it. Totally. It was her idea. I mean, I was just sitting there and she completely made me eat that, that, I don't even know what it was even. She just crammed it in my mouth and then started forcing me to chew. Yeah, and then she did that finger thing on my neck, you know? like how you make a dog swallow a pill? and I had to swallow it. I had no choice! I'm not lying! I swear! May God strike me dead if...um.

"...Yeah, well, fine. Just kick us out. But what about that other lady? Does she have to go too? I bet she gets to stay. unFAIR"

God had no answer for this, and so this exchange appears nowhere in the bible. Well, and because it never happened. Because it was a serpent, not a lady, and not even Adam and Eve were that damned dumb.
Who was this mystery woman?
Ask any medieval monk. He'll be MORE THAN HAPPY to tell you.
Whoops! Too late! They're all DEAD!
Too BAD.




All right, get marching. No you cannot take your pajamas. Listen, I am not joking around here.

"You know, don't make me whack you with this. Because I will do it. Honestly. You do not want to piss off a flying person with a sword. You think I'll get in trouble? Because I so will not. Dare me. Come on."

And this is how it ends, pretty much: