Monday, May 08, 2006

keeping up with the jet set

Most of the time I would rather be at home as much as I would be anywhere else. I have everything set up here just the way I like it, right? And I don't have to worry about going into the bathroom and finding something unexpected. As long as I have a nice supply of fresh non-fiction from the library and the weed whacker has enough line I'm good to go.

This weekend, then, was in contrast a fun-filled cavalcade of excess. We checked in with the Playboy of the Western World and were gratified to find a kitchen no longer languishing in bachelor clutter thanks to the caregiver (long may she wave!!!) and did a little shopping for him.

I'm trying to groove my husband in on this task since it's best to be interchangeable for efficiencys' sake, right? But his father makes out a list based on the specials, and then his son follows the list he thinks his father should have written based on what he sees on the shelves and so what ends up in the cart is sometimes a mystery to us all when we unpack it. I've learned to just head into the front room and watch television while they shelve things and go 'What is this? Was this on the list? Whats it for? Do you know?' as though they were cataloging things at the Smithsonian.

We drove around randomly afterwards, just enjoying the day, when I was surprised by the Yummy Biker pulling in to the fancy furniture store so we could shop for a sofa. This was so heroic on his part, since at the same time across the street there was a mini rod run going on. He never pined; he never even mentioned it. What a man! (Back the fuck off, bitch. Back off!)

After we had rambled and sneered at their offerings and barely passed a scant two out of the entire collection, we went over to our favorite section for a cheap thrill.

One whole wing of Smith's Home Furnishings is what we refer to as the 'Mafia Princess" showroom. This area is given over to 'traditional' styles, although I think traditional here is interpreted as 'tradional in the barbarian harems of the planet Gor'.

Ten years ago, when Martha Stewart made French Provincial acceptable again and reintroduced us to gold leafing, this room was a riot of baroque frosting and dainty floral prints. It would have sent poor Martha into a gran mal seizure. This season Dark and Jungly is the theme with a heavy infusion of Indonesian tat 'handicraft' aka 'Exotic Eastern Design Accents.' In 20 years this stuff will be ironic-camp and all the young turk designers will be claiming it as an influence to be shocking. Now it is just sad. No really, sad. All the stained malacca and dark tones make for what resembles a regrettably decorated funeral parlor.

While I looked through fabric selections with the saleslady the Yummy Biker wandered around the showroom bouncing thoughtfully in the armchairs. The saleslady kept a weather eye on him while I flipped through the samples and posed frankly silly questions. Hint for ladies: you can get away with a hell of a lot as long as you have a big biker with you; you will be treated like a queen and your every whim catered to. This is the absolute truth*.

Later, we split a giant submarine sandwich for dinner. And then to bed. I do not know how I handle the sheer pace of this lifestyle.

update: for CB........

Did you miss Shmuggleware?

He missed you.

*Another truth is that you can ride up to any place at any point on the social continuum on a Harley, stomp in wearing full leather, and the help will trip over themselves trying to serve you. Now I know other people have an opposite experience, but this has never been the case with us. Perhaps because out here people realize that you have to be making an income to run a Harley. And probably partly because people are firstly intimidated by the whole leather and dead bugs situation, and then absurdly grateful when you decide not to set shit on fire or sling them to the carpet and punk them with a maglite.
Not that we ever have.


  1. Anonymous10:43 AM

    I give the Harley rider a wide berth on the road. Mainly because around here, there's a 10% chance that Harley rider is a Hells Angel, and while they are lovely people, it is best not to piss them off.

  2. I'm not a big fan of the red and white either. or any affiliation. we ride independent. that way we can be any old type of asshole we want!

  3. Harleys are to motorcycles (actually to all vehicles)what Chanel is to couture - so damn classy. Let's face it - a limo means that you're nouveau riche, a rolls (unless its an old old mud spattered rolls) means you're trying too hard - a Harley means that you've got "it" in spades! Gorgeous things they are.

    (I knew there was a reason - other than the fact that he was a complete asshole, and a dangerous driver- that I never liked being on the back of my exe's bike - it wasn't a Harley!)

  4. Dang. Really?
    But you guys have Norton and Triumph (and BSA again, from what I hear!!!)

  5. Dunno about the BSA. I get a wide berth because I'm a surly teen. And generally, I've got about three shop assistants watching me. I don't know why. I wear DM's and a hoodie. Completely non-threatening...

  6. Yes but the number you actually see around - at least around wherever I've lived, are minimal.

  7. F N I have already recently explained why hubby + list doesnt equal whats in the bag on return from the have proved my case for the 'testicle effect'.
    I will try and look suprised when they nominate me for the nobel prize

  8. Hendrix are harley in the uk usually screams mid life crisis

  9. noshit: not threatening ENOUGH. there; all fixed! now go put on that black lipstick and shop.
    hendrix: theres this rumor floating around the US that our military left piles of old '45 Harleys in the UK after the war. Huh. Maybe you should move to a crappier part of town or something.
    Beast: You DID! dang! Oh, and the midlife crisis harley is alive and well in the US. only its a shiny NEW harley,and shiny new leather with fake HOG rockers on the back. *itching teeth*

  10. I love the rumble of a Harley, there's nothing like it.

  11. I used to be drawn to The Hemmingway Collection in Florida furniture shops (the "what's in my vomit?" type of drawn).
    Harleys look so comfy. I like the look of Indian and Nortons more though. Don't know why I have an opinion - can't ride a bicycle.

  12. kyah: AMEN! its beautiful!
    ara: i know exactly what you mean. i still long in my secret shameful heart for an early fifties 'hairpin' suite in grey and pink orlon with a boomerang pattern.

  13. BLAH! Okay, I have to jump in. As the offspring of FN and Yummy (shudder, that is my Daddy, damnit) Biker, I MUST PROTEST.
    MOTHER. You know that Harleys are fucking clownshoes. It is all about Triumphs, Indians, Victory Cycles.... And if you're rich, Ducatis(!). Can we say "horsepower+NO oil leaking everywhere+lack of retarded swoopy fender styling=GOOOOOOD"?!
    Is this a UK thing, this love of harleys? Because really, harleys are to motorcycles what Fords are to autos...which, according to Klick and Klack...means they are dogs. Seriously. I am kind of embarrassed for us all right now.

  14. Yes, I think it probably is a UK thing this love of Harleys. It's this vision we have of sunlight, the wide open road and a cool soundtrack.

  15. Well, you know how everyone over here is really secretly Count Chocula! HELL YES!
    And from what I hear,your roads really *aren't* that wide. Compared to ours, I mean.

  16. OH MY! That has got to be he cutest fricking hamster/gerbiley thing EVER! It makes me want to cuddle - which I'm not prone to!

    Anyways, I'll have to try the leather/dead bugs thing to get better service.

    I love the picture you painted of the return from grocery shopping. At times like those, I find it hard to keep the laughter inside :-)

  17. hey, lissen ya little poobutt, don't bait people in my damn comments salon!
    remember-i brought you in, i can take you out.
    happy mothers day!

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