Tuesday, May 09, 2006

The Violet Top Shell's Evil Passion

Remember our easily offended little friend, Miss Featherstone-haugh?

If testicles and dead skunks bother you, then you'd probably better leave now. And Stainless Steel Amazon? Just skip this one, 'k? Honestly.
And my darlings, THESE PICTURES ARE NOT THE PEOPLE UNDER DISCUSSION. They are simply the closest thing i could find on the Net. The stories are all true, however.
And so, with a hearty 'Heigh Ho, Animal Faces!" we're off.

My history of significant relationships has not been a real happy one, although a few stand out as memorable to be sure. This is why, when I finally found someone worth a damn I burrowed under his skin and attached myself parasitically to his vital organs in such a way that surgical removal would almost certainly be fatal. True love...it's beautiful.
Beautiful like an episode from the origional Star Trek. (The one with those gross looking flying puke things? when they go down on this planet and everythings all deserted? and one flies down and lands on Spocks back? Yeah. Sweet.)

Awwww...my first boyfriend. Lasted three days.
This poor bastard wanted nothing to do with me, really, but he did kiss me in front of the entire student body in Jr. High. That's how I found out that nearly everyone thought I was gay. I had kids I didn't even know coming up to me saying "Way to go! I thought you were a lez!"
This is also when I found out that everyone thought I was Jewish; apparently this conclusion was based on the evidence of a knitted cap with a pompom on it that I used to wear sometimes. Real conversation:
dork: "Way to go, I thought you were a Lez!"
Me: " You thought I was a what?"
girl named Terry who happened to be standing nearby: "Oh fuck no man, she's not a Lez. She's Jewish."
Laides and gentlemen, I give you the American public school system c.1972.

I lost my virtue to this guy.
I mean, not really, none of these pictures are really the person; I don't keep things like that. When I make a mistake I tend to recall it pretty vividly without visual aids. Anyway, close enough. You know, it was the 70's, ok? To his credit, he was a pretty nice guy and really a very talented musician. Once the initial couple of weeks of marathon sex was over with, though, I discovered that he was as dumb as a goddamn rock. So between that and my parents calling his parents and threatening to put him in jail for statuatory rape the relationship was pretty much doomed.

Next there was this guy. I may have mentioned him in passing...

Another musician. Nice enough at first, and quite intelligent as well. Played chess, even. He had what can only be described as an almost freakishly large Beef Bazooka that, when fully deployed, pointed ESE while he was headed S. He was also the most profoundly depressed person I have even met who wasn't institutionalized.
Of course I moved him right in.
That lasted right up until I get utterly sick and tired of him wandering around unemployed and getting mugged by bums because he was stoned absolutely all the fucking time on whatever came to hand. Getting beat up, threatened with a corkscrew and cheated on was no picnic either.

Now this guy was a sweetheart, really.

Crazy as a fricken loon, but a really sweet guy. Ignore the dead animal. He was convinced he had powers of telekinesis and had been handed the reins of the universe by God during an LSD trip in Guam. By this time I was fairly guarded with my feelings so I just jumped him for wild nutty person sex whenever the opportunity presented itself. I highly recommend it, and him too. When I moved I just forgot to pack him.

Ah, the pick of the litter. A single story should suffice here.

This one wanted to go to a church Halloween costume party with a 'killer' outfit. His idea of a 'killer' outfit?
Cutter the Wolfrider from fucking lameass fucking ElfQuest. Used to call me 'Leetah'.
Never mind.
We did his hair up elfie style and bought little rubber pointed earsies and matched the skin tone with some of my concealer and he had a little vest that laced up the front and leggins and a little loincloth and armbands and guess what? He won the costume contest! Yay!
Being it was a church party, I went as a dominatrix.
No, I'm sorry. This is true. It's all true.

And just because I'm feeling saucy...
One of my darlings is making a major move! That was a decision that took a lot of courage. Hooray!
Lesson to all Brit guys: You blew it, doofuses. You simply have to be more direct. Take a lesson from Dougal here. A casual, breezy approach is best.

And that is why Ms. GreatSheElephant, the queen of Switzerland, is moving to Scotland.


  1. *looks at picture* Wow they're wearing kilts... *looks closer* Oh my god, is that his ball sack? Hahahahaha... *shows family and vicar*
    Skinny elf dude looks like he might have been funny. Where are the pictures of the Yummy Biker?? That guy with the dead animal looks like a scaled down model of the hairy guy off Harry Potter...

  2. Thak you FN I don't feel nearly as bad about my past now! But I'm with NSS on this one - where's the pics of yummy biker?

    By the way. If anyones thinking of moving to Scotland - just don't. We did. Biggest mistake of our sodding (I was going to put an even stronger expletive there but remembered that these are family comments)lives (and we've made some big mistakes! - both together and apart!). Scotland is beautiful - stunningly beautiful it's true. But that's about it. The Scots are a very strange race of people, the weather is miserable 95% of the time, there's absolutely nothing to do and anyone can leaves at the first available opportunity...(just as soon as we figure out where we want to move to - we will be packing up and bailing out)

  3. Thought about it and realised that I'm raining on someones really big decision. I'm really sorry!

    I can't blame Scotland completely for the fact that F and I aren't happy here. It is true that we've had a tough time here and it is true that we found the attitude of Edinburh people really difficult after the more cosmopolitan "go for it" attitude of London but thats probably just us. But there were other issues going on which had nothing to do with Scotland which would have given us a tough time no matter where we'd lived.

    If you're brave enough to make a major move then I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world!

  4. noshit: funny you should mention harry potter..the first time i saw it i thought the same thing!
    hendrix: yummy biker is an unseen force of nature. he has no place in the Gallery O' Shame.

  5. Anonymous11:58 AM

    Gah! Gah! on the elf!


    Cannot comment further even though I had loads to say prior to spying that picture.

    Must go wash eyes with bleach now.

  6. damn right.

    Ouch my eyes

  7. I kind of fancy the guy in the kilt! :-)

    got quite a laugh out of your other dudes, you crazy gal.

  8. whinger: Oh yes indeed. GAAAAAH on the elf. Would you prefer Clorox or an environmentally friendly oxygen bleach?
    GSE: Hell yeah, now I want to go to Scotland too. I knew you were an intelligent woman.
    Kyah: Isn't he a babe? Nice everything that I can see. And thats a lot.

  9. That was awesome! Note to self: Make more friends with men who wear kilts.

    And for the love of Pete, oh my effing lord on the elf picture. Someone get him a hamburger ASAP.

  10. beef bazooka....BEEF BAZOOKA


  11. What a chequered past you have FN, just wondering why you can't see the Scotsman's chopper? unless he has a stiffie.

    Scotland is a funny place and the people there are a little strange - I think thats why they all seem to move to England.

    I will be posting soon as soon as the current dramas have died down!

  12. christine: yes, kilts. kilts, kilts, kilts.
    beast: its like a baloney pony, only with 30% less fat.
    frobi: oh, you just don't want your rat licked. sorry to hear about the dramas, my darling.

  13. Just a quick comment to congratulate you on your impeccable taste - would love to chat more, but I'm in the middle of booking a red-eye to Edinburgh.

  14. GSE and Arabella are women of action. I admire that :-)

  15. Even though you think I'm duckbrained, I enjoyed reading your blog. Your vigor for life appalls me...but hey...what the hell.

  16. Ara: they have great standby rates over at Expedia.
    Kyah: you snooze, you lose. you gotta move fast once those kilts get to flying.
    Betty: welcome! I was not targeting any alleged duckbrainedness on your part; i was speaking in the editorial python voice.

  17. The pictures are frightening, but I admire your eclectic nature in guy collection. In fact, it's what I aspire to. You set the bar high, my lady.

    Congratulations on not being a lesbian/Jewish! (Just kidding) My sister thought I was a lesbian for awhile. Apparently, she felt that since I never asked her for relationship advice or confided in her (gasp) I must be interested in girls.

    However, my tendencies to flirt with anything that moves may have been misleading...

  18. Anonymous11:47 AM

    Where did you find it? Interesting read »