Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Henshin Disabled!? The Hakaida Great Revolt!

Oh yay! Oh hoo-fucking rah! The inlaws are coming over!
At least they called first. They usually don't. Yippee-skippee.
This would be the Yummy Bikers' stepfather and natural mother. Yes, this is the man his mother married and divorced three separate times.
Oh, he is a pip.
He is also a deaf pip. Deaf as a post. So not only is he surly and completely lacking in respect for anything with tits, he shouts 'Huh? What?' all the time. Of course, it is your fault for talking too softly.
They own a Caddilac the size of a small office building that neither of them can figure out how to operate properly. This makes taking long drives with them a special treat...and they always insist on doing all the driving.
My mother in law, who shall hereafter be known as Party Girl, will drag me outside every 20 minutes to sneak a cigarette which she is completely convinced nobody but me realizes she is smoking.
Later we will go to lunch and when the server arives and asks if anyone wants anything to drink everyone will get all tense and uncomfortable and cut their eyes at each other and pretend not to look at her. Whereupon she will either sheepishly deny wanting a drink and then pout and whine for the rest of the meal, or defiantly order a drink...whereupon her husband (who shall hereafter be known as Captain Shithead) will pout and whine for the rest of the meal.
Yay!
YAY!
YAY!

Yes! Oh you BET I feel sorry for myself! Yes! I hate having to socialize with anybody! If God had meant for me to socialize he would have made me a pleasant person who gives a happy chunk of wacky crap.
I don't.
I don't care how R and S are doing. I know S is a bulemic. I know S is a compulsive housekeeper. I know R can't hold a job. I know R and S have a marriage you consider peculiar. Oh my yes, now THERES the pot calling the kettle disfunctional.

Neither do I care about R2 and D. I know you think D is too fat. I know you think D is a lousy mother. I know you think D is a lousy housekeeper. I know you think R2 and D have a lousy marriage (see above) I know you think their kids married beneath them.
I KNOW. I KNOW. I KNOW.


I also know you want to be here just about as much as I want you here.


Thank God, later on I get to go play with my grandson.



UPDATE;
I am now the proud owner of a 1/4 head of cabbage thats turning black and a 1/2 head of lettuce thats turning into liquid, a tomato with a bad spot and 15 pounds of freezer burnt halibut.
Sigh.

19 comments:

  1. Don't be such a misery! get out there and enjoy the meal. If in doubt take a valium before you go and smile sweetly througout.

    Hopefully the inlaws will be paying

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  2. See, this is why I have never remarried. It's a quality of life issue.

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  3. Use your current diabetes diagnosis as an excuse to be EXTREMELY bad tempered and irrational and therefore get away with as much bad and selfish behaviour as possible without them having any recourse whatsoever. Perfect. I would. But then I'm like that. I call mine The Outlaws - they always turn up unannounced or with a three minute warning. 'Hello dear - we're just turning round the corner at the end of the road. Are you in? We won't stay long'.

    Fast forward to t+5 hours - still here and staying for supper now...Ggrrrimacing nicely as I offer them more wine and frantically search the fridge for enough to feed 5 not 3!

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  4. frobi: oh, i know, i know. i'm a miserable unfriendly bitch *snif* but at least i have produce.
    davef: i know just exactly what you mean...but did i learn from the first time? no. at least i have produce.
    rockmother: crap, i didnt think of that soon enough. i coulda got away with it too because i already have the reputation as the 'wierdo' daughter in law. at least i have produce.

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  5. Maybe you can do something with the water melon that's been in my fridge since July 4th.. I can send it.

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  6. I'll add my cantalope with tumors and we've got ourselves a party!

    Oh and some leftover salmon from 1 1/2 weeks ago that I believe hubby and I are in a standoff on seeing if it will just swim itself into the garbage.

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  7. FN , its all about attitude.Use these visits as an oppertunity to try out different personalities.
    So you can be a hippy dippy airhead on one occasion. First Nations Mother of Pain (welcome to my dungeon) on another.
    At best they will be confused and wary , at very best you may well have some fun....make these a me me me occasion.
    On their next visit I want you to conduct the entire visit in the guise of Frobisher(or how you imagine Frobisher would be - lighting farts is opptional)

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  8. You could take the tomato and spend the entire meal talking to it, getting a place set for it, ordering for it (order something with tomatoes and then yell at the waitress).
    Go as a smurf.

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  9. The last time that I moved and changed my phone number, I didn't give the info to an annoying relative. Haven't heard from him in 2 years as a result. Yay!

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  10. Ara: Go ahead and send it. obviously i am in such need of other peoples half-eaten vegetables that the lack thereof is an embarrassment to the world at large. (bitter? why do you ask?)
    g: ditto the canteloupe with the skin condition. (you didn't make salmon cakes?? need a recipe?oo, i got a good one!)
    beast: i see my mistake was in removing my Frobisher mufti when i first saw them pulling up. had i left the leather chaps and the toreadors' hat ON, their visit would have been much shorter; i see that now. thank you.
    noshit: that, i love. sadly, the tomato has succumbed overnight to its deadly condition and is now a sagging misshapen lump of seeping ick, resembling nothing so much as Nancy Reagan in her early White House days. missed opportunity.
    mj: thats how i shed the really annoying ones. these two are only mildly annoying despite all my pathetic noises...they do have their moments, though.

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  11. Ara: Go ahead and send it. obviously i am in such need of other peoples half-eaten vegetables that the lack thereof is an embarrassment to the world at large. (bitter? why do you ask?)
    g: ditto the canteloupe with the skin condition. (you didn't make salmon cakes?? need a recipe?oo, i got a good one!)
    beast: i see my mistake was in removing my Frobisher mufti when i first saw them pulling up. had i left the leather chaps and the toreadors' hat ON, their visit would have been much shorter; i see that now. thank you.
    noshit: that, i love. sadly, the tomato has succumbed overnight to its deadly condition and is now a sagging misshapen lump of seeping ick, resembling nothing so much as Nancy Reagan in her early White House days. missed opportunity.
    mj: thats how i shed the really annoying ones. these two are only mildly annoying despite all my pathetic noises...they do have their moments, though.

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  12. You have my utmost sympathy with the in-law visit.

    Wish I'd known that you were in dire need of rotting produce, I could have sent you the bag of courgettes that had not only turned into a dripping and glutenous mass of green stuff but also managed to weld themselves to the icefloe that lives in the back of the fridge. Unfortunately having had my own in-laws visiting for the past week I had to throw them away lest they (the in-laws) thought I was a "bad manager".

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  13. i have a bag of salad that has turned an unfortunate shade of milky brown if you're interested.

    does the YB enjoy these visits, too? next time, hide in the closet.

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  14. okay e-mail me the salmon cake receipe whenever time permits - they'll always be leftover salmon.

    Just a thought - would it be possible to have a little table-cam as you and the outlaws dined particularly zeroing in on your MIL during drink orders?

    At the very least, these visits make for great blogging.

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  15. FN there is something in the back of my fridge , i dont know what it was originally , but its now green , has tendrils and I am sure it waved when I opened the door....its in the mail

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  16. There are things in my fridge that have longer and prettier hair than I do!

    We call our stuff 'science experiments' which is code for 'you throw it out', 'no, you do it', 'no YOU do it!'.

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  17. helena: she brings me all her semi-fresh stuff so SHE won't look like a bad manager!
    claire: no, thank you. i've seen enough bad salad for one week. the YB feels much the same way i do so it would need to be one of those Oprah Winfrey size closets.
    g: do they have Zatarains where you are? thats my recipe!! nobody wants to see the Little Drama of the Boozers. it even makes baby jesus cry.
    beast: it sounds friendly; keep it and grow yourself a new pair of boxer shorts!
    pam: it's like an acid flashback to the 80's. i used to know lots os people who had grey, blue and white hair that shed crud when you bumped them.

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  18. FN, I really think you should introduce your in-laws to Hanuman's mother-in-law.

    If you're done with old salad, how about some old cat food? I think we've got some canned crickets for the turtles growing a nice layer of mold in the back of the fridge, too...

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