Tuesday, August 15, 2006

quaint vignettes from my charming rural idyll

Well, I hate having diabetes.
On the other hand, I get a kick out of the blood pokey dealies and the little monitor and keeping a record. If clinical depression and asthma had been this structured I would have been MUCH better at them. As it is, I only had to return to the eating habits of my hippiehood and voila! Normal-nay, fucking excellent numbers! Lost weight-5 lbs is weight-and I feel better.
Of course, eating like this will do very little to reduce the virtual Matterhorn of Red Meat in my freezer. See, and here I thought I was being all frugal and shit stocking up when I hit the sales, when what I was actually doing was accreting a BEEFY DEATHBERG.

Animals are stupid 1.
Driving down the road two nights ago. It's dark, you know, it's rural, I'm following the base of the foothills, so there's forest....and up ahead in the distance my headlights catch the twin eye-reflections of an animal in the center of the road. I slow down. I am smart like that. Hitting shit can just fuck with your whole day; especially given that out here there is the very real possibility that the animal in question could be REALLY BIG. Like a big stoner, or a cow, or a black bear, or a bull elk BIG.
It turns out to be a skunk. Medium sized, about as big as a housecat. And this skunk is right on the center line of the road, too. Playing with something with it's front paws. Just like a cat will play with a bug.
Yes. There is a wild animal, a wily wild beast of the woods, which is supposed to be all cunning and crafty and sly? Dicking with a bug in the middle of the road, in the middle of the night, IN THE HEADLIGHTS OF AN ONCOMING CAR.
I slowed down and went waaaaaaay around it. It ignored me.
Having anal glands filled with the animal equivalent of napalm saved his cocky little ass this time, that and the fact that I drive a compact car. Little bastard is going to try that with a gravel truck one night and leave nothing but a grease spot on the road.

Animals are stupid 2.
My girl dog, Jett, desperately hates bees. Any kind of bee. Flies, she can snatch out of midair like a sniper. Bees she will chase and bark at and attempt to bite, or crush under her paws. Not a good plan as, being a dog, she spends most of her time barefoot. She will stand in the middle of the rug looking frantic with one paw buzzing and I will have to get a piece of tissue and dig a hornet out from between her toes, again, where it has been stinging and buzzing frantically.
Bumblebees she hates the worst. To her a bumblebee is a big, flying mouse and all mice and mouselike balls of furry evil must die, die die. She will close her jaws on a bumblebee, and the bumble will sting her, of course. Opens her mouth in shock, bee flies away, lands on a clover, and the dumbass BITES IT AGAIN. The first time I realized this was happening the poor thing came trotting up to me with her skinny little Lab-type face swollen up like a chow dog. When I opened her mouth to find out what the odd noise was, two huge bumblebees flew away. And I had to grab her collar to keep her from chasing them. The goofturd must have been stung in the face more than 50 times or more in her life. Hasn't learned a thing.


  1. You'll have to throw a huge berg of death party, or save it all for the inaugural mayor dinner-dance and whist drive?

    Poor silly hound.

  2. Yay I am second (well you gotta take ya jollies where you find em).
    See now if you had given me a magic wand , I would have sorted out the deathberg situation with a mere flick.
    I am likin the vibe of Warlock Beasty - I get to do nekkid moonlight dancing with a sheep skull - way cool....
    If you run over a skunk do you get the smell on your tyres ???? and how long does it last

  3. Somehow, Eric the Half a Bee comes to mind. Anyway, throw the meat into the conversation pit with the fruit machine defaulters and we'll have ourselves a hungi. Invite the neighbour-voters. Call it beef barrelling.

    Hm. Actually, quait another image comes to mind there.

    It's people laik me wot cause unrest.

  4. I like the idea of serving your meatberg at your big innaugural hoedown. can i come and make ma total twat of myself by getting drunk and giving squaredancing calls when there is no music on?

  5. ara:excellent idea. render the constituents logy with cholesterol while i go through their coats and handbags.
    beast: skunk whang is a spray; it's an actual fluid that the skunk shoots out of it's ass at the least provocation. yes, you run over the skunk, your tires and the entire undercarriage get doused; its last act of vengeance. it lasts FOR WEEKS.
    mudlark: quite the contrary. I see i chose well. carry on.

  6. Aww sweet and not-so-bright pup.

    And do let us know when you'll be having your deathberg barbecue. I'll raise a glass.

  7. dogs are stupid. i want to know how they find the tenacity for stupid shit that hurts, and yet will not 'STAY' for all of the yummy treats in the world? makes me nuts.

    stupid useless dogs. well, mine certainly are dopey as hell.

  8. for Bozo alfie the pinnacle of all that is doggy heaven was sleeping on my bed.He used to sneak into my room all silent like , wait till my breathing had gone into sleep mode , then he used to very delicatly feel around with his paw for a empty peace of bed and sneak on like a ninja.At this point he would give in to doggy delight and collapse like a sack of shite right on top of me(and hes a BIG dog)...and then would seem all suprised by the startled squark , ensueing fight and eventual eviction.....he did this every single night

  9. your mutt is v. lucky. If it was an English bee it would be "brown bread" (cockney rhyming slang for dead).

    I have had an idea, why not start a bloggers book club?

  10. "the inaugural mayor dinner-dance"

    I am so there!

  11. Ooooh book club.I of course refuse to join any club that wants me as a member....can i join under an assumed name ???

  12. Yes - you can have inauguration meatfest when you're signed in!

  13. Sworn in should I say.

    'Ok you fruitloops - I'm fucking mayoress now so don't fuck with me! Now shut up and eat your meatmountains and be bloody grateful it's not skunk'!

  14. cb: of course. bring the pirate too; pirates invented barbecue! yes they did! he can be Adjutant Barbecue God for life to mudlarks' Pit Overseer. You just stand on a table and yell 'allemande left!' every now and again.
    god, this sounds so cool!
    christine: soon, apparently. britain seems to be planning an annexation!
    claire: oh yes! and then have the gall to turn up their noses at anything in the way of food when they eat cat crap and lick their own butts.
    beast: the girldog pulls the same thing, except once she's up, she starts noisily and furiously trying to scrape out a hollow in the blankets with all four legs and simply cannot understand why shed gets shown the door. duh.
    frobi: 1. why, are english bees more poisonous, or just meaner?
    2. this idea intrigues me. it really does. please enlarge 'pon it, ratly. you always have good ideas.
    billy: it's drag.
    beast: i insist.
    rocky: it's just a cavalcade of meat here in Sumas. you know, before it thaws out we could all don ice skates and stage a 'Meatscapades'.

  15. You could always use portions of the Deathberg as treats to train Jett away from the bees. But then, what do I know? I didn't even know bumbles sting...

    All other animals are like human animals, I find. There are a few exceptionally smart ones, and the rest might as well be the first plank in your mayoral platform: big, dumb, and quite possibly dangerous.

    BTW, I tagged you for a meme. Now you can annoy me by going on about all the books you've read that I would need a personal trainer to even open. ;o)

  16. Ooooh - nice meme. Looking forward to that.

  17. No NO No! I got one! Animals are stupid 3!
    Motherperson and SSA are driving down desolate county road in the dead of the night, in sweltering August heat, only to encounter Large Obstinate Toad who is slowly kind of hopping across. Kind of.
    Ok, not really.
    So the ladies stop the car, beep the horn a little (toyota horn: "meep meep"), and then carefully drive around the toad, who then proceeds to hop back in the other direction, almost causing Motherperson to crunch it. Cussing, Mom gets out of the car, and tries to shoo the toad off the road.
    It croaks at her.
    Doesn't move.
    So she tries to shoo it the other way, kind of looking like a nut.
    It croaks at her.
    Doesn't move.
    Finally, Mom is exasperated and laughing and up waaaay past her bedtime, so she very delicately toes the toad right in the ass.
    It faceplants, croaks at her, and hops to the other lane.
    SSA and Motherperson are laughing too hard to do much more than that, and drive away from the toad, who is still loudly protesting.
    Boo Yah.

  18. We were driving down to a beach in Menorca and were only a couple of minutes away from our destination when a tortoise decided to cross the road.

    It lived up to the tortoise cliche and took an eternity to get across.

    Don't trust tortoises though: my cousin had a pet one that escaped and was found not long afterwards about a mile away, right by a bus stop, so it had obviously planned the escape. Must've run like the clappers, too.

  19. danator: so i'm it, then.
    i always kind of figured that.
    ara: duly noted.
    neur: omg i remember that! remember how it blew up and inflated like a big toad balloon when i toed it? damn thing was the size of a rabbit! a big, flabby, obstinate rabbit.
    betty: i love how it was waiting for the bus!
    teaching my daughter to drive we were stopped by a flock of wild turkeys one time, who seemed intent upon telling us something. maybe they were hari krsnas.

  20. Just like a little Winnie the Pooh video where Pooh gets a mouthful while raiding the honey.

    5 lbs - that's weight. Keep up the good work - get rid of the Death Burg.