Sunday, August 13, 2006

The Yellow Jaguar's Evil Hand Closes In

Note: special last minute amendment.
Suggested by another Brit.
My administration seems to be turning into a puppet regime even before I assume the post.
Per Arabellas and Rockmothers' request I have decided to throw my hat in the ring for consideration as the City of Sumas' new Mayor. My campaign motto is:

I have no idea what I'm doing
But hell, you're used to that.

My platform has three planks (they used to make us say shit like that in debate.)

Plank 1- is to be located near the city compost heap. It is made of white pine. It is 6 ft. long. Be careful when playing on or around the plank. The plank is splintery. Do not play with plank after having consumed alcoholic beverages. Always wear appropriate safety gear when playing on or near the plank. Do not tease or molest the plank. Do not use if allergic to peanuts.

Plank 2-More nudity.

Plank 3- What ever I make up.

Proposed amendments to the city charter:
-More nudity.
-The official Deity of Sumas will be John Cleese. Churches not accepting the Cleesian Liturgy will be taunted a second time.
-Children out after dark bouncing basket balls on my sidewalk will be set adrift on an ice floe.
-As will Junkies out talking loudly and/or acting like dipshits on my sidewalk after dark
-As will drunk people out in the field behind my home having loud, stupid arguements after dark. Unless they speak clearly and at least one of them is hooting and crying, when it then becomes free late night comedy entertainment and gives me a an excuse to blast people with the hose, which is something I live for.
-The Wicked Witch of the West hat will be the Official Hat of Sumas.
-All the stupid ugly grafted cherry trees planted along Cherry street will be cut down and replaced with Pin Oaks. The street will be renamed 'Big, Uncircumcised Boulevard'.
-No,ha ha! Is my joking! No, the street will be renamed 'Sumas Avenue' and the street that's now named 'Sumas Avenue' will be renamed 'Michael'.
- El Nopal will be moved into the abandoned titty bar and the owner will thereafter will pay no rent and no taxes FOR LIFE. The former two mayors will be installed as his pretty potty pals and will wipe his ass and give it a little kiss on each cheek every time he 'votes Republican'.
-The Offical Pretty Potty Pal uniform will consist of a pair of 'Hello Kitty' underpanties worn on the outside of the slacks.
-My dog Opie will be Generalisimo City Development Coordinator for Life. God knows he'll turn in just as stellar a performance as the dumbass in there now. He will be in charge of the Sacred Bonking Rock of Justice and wear one of those little leather aviator dog hats, the ones with the little goggles, so he looks like a WWII pilot which would be so cute.
-The sites of formerNSA spy poles will be surrendered to the Current Administration and the land used for roadside shrines to Venus Williams' Sweet Thick Ass.
-All city council meetings will hereafter be run according to the ritual proceedure of the IOOF because it is fancy and there is marching. Aand everyone gets to wear medals and Napoleon hats. And there is a secret handshake too. But only I get to carry a sword.
-All Border Patrol facilities within the boundaries of Sumas will be surrendered to the Current Administration and turned into Happy Havens for Homeless Marijuana and Naked Men (Cute Ones with Nice Asses.)
SPECIAL LAST-MINUTE AMENDMENT...The municipal rodeo showgrounds will be re-purposed as the site of the annual International 'Beast 500' Nekkid Hoovering Races. Only I will call it 'Vaccuuming Races' because this IS America for cripes' sakes and nobody will know what I'm talking about if i say 'Hoovering'. Except maybe some people will think I am talking about J. Edgar Hoover and come expecting to see a bunch of balding paunchy men dressed in tutu's running a relay, which would be kind of cool, I guess.


  1. Will there be a special midnight visit by the deity John Cleese to the Mayor that will result nine months later in the babe they call Brian?

  2. "As will drunk people out in the field behind my home having loud, stupid arguements after dark. Unless they speak clearly and at least one of them is hooting and crying, when it then becomes free late night comedy entertainment and gives me a an excuse to blast people with the hose, which is something I live for"

    They do that in Edinburgh and call it the "Festival". Unfortunately they forgot about the hose bit. (And its not free)

    Sounds like a good manifesto though. When you're done there you can come over and run Britain.

  3. What a ridiculous manifesto....
    1.No shrine to THE BEAST made of donuts.

    2.No monthly Beast Day featuring Nekkid Hoovering races

    To name but a few Beast related planks that are missing from your platform.
    You will regret this when I am declared Supreme Ruler of the universe (excluding French Canada - One could excuse being french OR canadian as a minor oversite , but being both is just damn bad manners)

  4. I like the Venus Williams bit.

    Can we dedicate something to her nipples that seem to protrude six inches even through an industrial strength sports bra?

    If she played in the winter she'd take the umpire's eye out.

  5. mj: as I am the pleased recipient of a tubal ligation some years back, that baby would have to be named 'Jesus'.
    Jesus Cleese. yeah.
    hendrix: cool! any job where the uniform is a metal hat with a fricken diamond on top of it the size of an apple AND a magic wand to bonk minions with AND a bottle of chambourd (just like the Infant of Prague!)is obviously made for me, and begging for my special talents.
    beast: I see. the statue of you out in front of 'Ship Happens' is not tribute enough. Pfft. on the other hand I am all for nekkid hoovering races. I will amend the charter forthwith.
    I get to say 'forthwith' because i am in government now.
    tim: *snork* with venus wiliams around, you can always be certain of True North.

  6. well, then.

    i should hope that after you clean up your small town that you move on to the rest of the country. I think a dog in a WWII cap with goggles is the most forward-thinking running mate we could hope to find here.

    President First Nations has a good ring to it, i think.

  7. Are there going to be campaign badges?

  8. A cute dog is important, you're right. But I don't see why you should be the only one with a sword. I mean, John of Gaunt didn't put up with that kind of thing (draws Rockmother to one side for intense, worried whispering....)

  9. Opie in an aviator's cap and Venus' sweet, lush ass?!?! I am freakin moving back.
    I would also like a neighbor-blasting hose, please. Thank you.

  10. Ehehe... Hose.
    You forgot NSS Deli Monkey day too.
    And my blog.
    I want a sword.

  11. How about the Beast 500 suck-a-thon ????
    No on second thoughts that may lead to some even more bizarre expectations.

    Re old J edgar....what possessed the man to think he was gonna look good in a dress ????

  12. You can buy those UV goggles for dogs and they are called "doggles" no shit!

    Don't forget during my short reign in Benin I named a Town Hall after you (later burned down by angry natives) - you could return the favour. If not a leather bar or cruising zone in the park would be appropriate.

  13. claire: you should move here. i would make you Chief Adjudicator of Ass Fineness for the Happy Happy Homeless Shelter!
    surly: working on getting you that fake i.d. right now.
    billy: yes. they say 'see other side for directions'
    arabella: relax, relax, this is America. everyone is carrying israeli semiautomtics, remember? the sword is purely ceremonial and used only on the flat for minion whapping in the absence of a magic wand.
    neuro: you have a hose already.
    it is long and black as i recall.
    what you lack is water pressure.
    lord, what a great double entendre.
    noshit: how bout i name the Sumas river after you?
    " is THAT the river?'
    "No shit, sherlock.'
    beast: too late. people see your avatar and those expectations naturally occur.
    ugly old motherfucker ruined this country AND gave 'gay' a bad name.
    ratso: so...perusing the harley periodicals, are we? looking at all the sweaty mens? like that 'leather bear' situation?
    yeah, me too.

  14. I want a magic wand now

  15. Since everyone else is whining, ah requesting - I'd like a wand to be held right here in my alwys upstretched hand and a statue of my avatar in the town center near the visitors bureau. Where do I the sidebar?

    I do like the doggie in goggles.

    But from a planning perspective, I do think Venus' ass may cause a spike in people being er, rear ended.

  16. Oooh! Uncircumcised? I say we make it the law of the land! Save the foreskin! 'Tis a cause near and dear to my boys heart! Fo sho!

    Requests are being had? Oooh! I am a mean bitch! I say rapists and the like get their dicks chopped off, fed to them and they get to die a slow death...

    John Cleese is divine! Chica, you got yourself some good taste indeed!

    Can money be raised for bohemians to move back to SF? I promise to send you young, homeless guys with nice asses right on over with the MJ goods... after all, SF ain't the only city in the nation with the most MJ clinics for nothin'!

  17. If I move there, can I BTK graffiti piddlers?

  18. Can I move in? I like the sound of a FN fascist state.

    (I'm perfectly happy with the nudity so long as I can keep my own knickers on.)

  19. I and my cats protest all the rules, just because that is our nature.

    However, I'm sure that the acutal residents of Sumas would be far better off with you in charge.

    I request nothing, unless it is a free PhD in Zoology. Then I can curate the new Opie Nations Memorial Zoo.

  20. I fully concur with your well thought out and, frankly, quite reasonable policy proposals.

    Can I be your gopher?

    My rates are quite reasonable (excluding the expenses)

  21. If I am ever forced to move back to the United States of Hypicrisy, I will live in Sooooooomas, WA. It is clearly the last bastion of civlisation south of the Canadian border.

  22. If I lend you Spiny Norman, can I run your conversation pit?

  23. beast: not gonna...touch...that one. nope.
    g:how bout we put that statue in the middle of a big fountain in the city park, make it so it lights up, and water could cascade prettily out the top of the wand. a lamp-fountain is exactly the kind of high class civic art sumas needs.
    mizB: we will collect all the change tha people throw into the lamp-fountain and put it towards your 'Bohimian to SanFran' fund.
    dave: only bt. k we leave to the dingoes.
    in the sumas of the future graffitti will be an art form. a 'free graffitti' card can be purchased at city hall for 6 million dollars.
    spin: public nudity is a licensed option in the sumas of the future, not a requirement. photos must be submitted to the Generalisimo of Development for consideration. town beautification, you know.
    danator: certainly. the zoo must consist of invisible animals, though. like bacteria and those icky cave-fish you can see through.
    garfy: ive never actually felt the lack of a gopher in my life. we have moles...? how well do you tunnel?
    cb: you can be Capo Di Tutti Capo for life of miscreant whacking. smack 'em with one of those big ol sculling oars..then its' tossem to the dingoes!
    mudlark: yes you may. you may run all of the pits. the gravel pit, the barbecue pit, all the pit-related activites. You can be Pit Coordinator for Life. (gingerly pets Norman)

  24. That's it FN, class up the joint a little bit. Nice.

  25. Nobody better piss in it!