Saturday, September 16, 2006

Black Chameleon The Phantasmic Big Heist Maneuver

Lets take a peek at how things are going so far, shall we?

So. Just where do things stand here at Rancho FirstNations at the beginning of the Fall season, mouseketeers?

Right about here. Take a look at this shit. I have never in my life had tomato plants that produced like this. It's almost FRIGHTENING.
I went out to 'stop' the plants yesterday...clip all the leaves, sucker the vines off and basically put an end to the tomato tidal wave for the year. This is only a small part of what's left. This is about ten gallons of sauce, folks.

...and this is a little LESS than the average size of what I've been harvesting. Beefsteak tomatoes BIGGER THAN (whatever that huge damn mountain in the background is called. The one you can't see. So much for that set-up.)

You know what? Nobody knows what that mountain's called. Nobody. I've asked. Blank stares.
Americans have no clue. Who cares? It's in Canada.
You can ask Canadians. I have. Standing right there in the parking lot of Revy with this huge glacier covered motherfucker looming in the background. And they say:
1. Oh. Is that in Canada?
2. Uhhh....Baker? (Bzz! Wrong. Baker's south, in the U.S.)
3. I dunno.
4. It's the Sawtooths. (Bzz! no, thats a RANGE.)
5. Isn't it the Cascades? (Bzz! Thats a range as well.)
6. Oh, thats the Olympics. (Bzz! Another range. To the west. In America.)
7. Vancouver Island. (Bzzbzzbzzbzzbzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....oh, fuck it.)
8. Oh. Is that ours?
9. Mt. Canada.

Never mind.

My oregano did wonderfully this year. This is a 'border' variety, grown more for it's pretty purple flowers and buds than its culinary value; although it is culinarily valuable despite that. (Woo, that just about caused an aneurism; time for coffee.)

Asper Aggus! Grown from seed, baby. Thats right.
Next year is the big one! First harvest!
Once this frost kills I'm going to put some composted manure on it and let it rot down all winter long. Oh my yes.

Aren't the dandelions doing well?

My magnificent pear harvest. Always just one, always in the same location. This never bothers me since I bought the tree as an ornamental; it's not supposed to have fruit to begin with, but there you have it. Froot.
One lonely pear.

One thing the recent rain did was to rehydrate all the dog crap in the yard. It's a fricken mine field out there now! How do two small dogs DO all this? It reminds me of like how a newborn baby barfs up three times as much as your pour into 'em.

I hate to tell you I burned through 53 images before I finally got this one.
This is the bee nest on my porch. It's hornets, and they're living in the wall. Their entrance is where the old cable service was let in. Right by my front door.

Imagine me hanging by one cheek out the dining room window with this camera, shaking like a leaf with a huge cloud of hornets buzzing around me. I was obviously never able to get a picture of the way this really looks due to the limitations of the technology-and my courage - but believe me when I tell you there was about thirty of them at any given moment and at times they were hanging down from the entrance in clusters. GAAAAAAAAAAH.

There have been no Jehovah's Witnesses thus far this year, though.

Ah, but for all I know there IS one. He's been killed, nipped apart into
tiny bits and stored in the wall.

You can't make it out, but the wall around the hole there is spotted with crud dabbed by the hornets, who leave empty but return carrying blobs - every single one of them.
What are the blobs? Glad you asked.
Hornets live on two things: dead animals, and shit.
True fact. Didn't you ever wonder why the woods are so tidy? Hornets.
They eat shit.
My wall is full of carrion and shit.
And hornets.
Tonight, hornets, you must DIE.


    So go suck on ya lycra shorts Champ....he he he.

    I had a simular tomato horror a couple of years back , I had to throw most of them away , there is only so much passata you can make.

    The hornets are going to give me nightmares , I am suprised they havnt eaten the sad and lonely pear

  2. 1. Why is Gooneybird pouring the contents of his bottle directly into his training potty? Did he suddenly decide to become ultra-efficient and skip the middle digestive step? He's a born engineer!
    2. Love the tat on your hand
    3. Pear photo: HAHAHAHAHA!!! Something about that lone pear, just hanging there in all its solemnity, absolutely tears me up!

  3. Anonymous4:26 PM

    You could always make tomato pickle and if you do will you send me a jar please because I love tomato pickle and my tomato plants died before they had a single fruit..mind you, I think that was something to do with the fact that they were in the computer room and F kept closing the shutters and no tomato plant prospers in near total darkness.

    PS. I think it's a cool tattoo too.

  4. beast: i guess they have too much to eat with the corn harvest underway to worry about my lone pear.
    cb: he is inspecting the contents of his potty with a flashlight. he likes to sit down with his little piece of tp, sprinkle, and then stand up and check it out.
    helena: f mixed them up with another common crop and was trying to get them to bud, i betcha.

  5. There is a Brothers Grimm quality to your single fruiting pear tree.

  6. So I suppose we are all gonna get jars of Green Tomato Chutney for Christmas?

  7. excellent. i'll send you my address.

    (see how these things get started? now your committed.)

  8. Yum chutney for xmas , its the best Christmas ever already.
    I like useful pressies , if you cant eat it , wear it , or mount it.... just dont bother

  9. Have you killed the hornets I can stop having hornet nightmares ??????

  10. ara: yeah...i don't think the pear is magic or anything...just pearlike. i think it's kinda cool. everyone is very careful around it all year long to make sure it doesn't get knocked down.
    frobi: i promise you, no. i don't do things like that, honest. i can't stand the stuff. only puree and marinara, i swear. no pickalili, no green tomato catsup, no sweet and sour mustard tomatoes, none of that shit. eurgh.
    (go lie down and take it easy, sickie.)
    cb: i refuse. not even fried green tomatoes. bleach!
    beast fugeddaboudit. and no...i forgot to buy fogger spray. it's almost like planning a military strike. you gotta sneak up on them in the dead of night and blitz 'em while they're sleeping. hopefully between mice and freezing this winter they'll be eradicated by spring.

    He drew a picture of Bubba last night and was telling Mr. M (the new guy) all about how Bubba was smelly and he loved him.
    I think GB is confusing dad with Opie. Easy enough to do!

  12. Mmmm... I love tomato pickle. In fact anything pickled.

    Hornets must die - I concur.

  13. you could pickle the hornets.....just a thought

  14. Can you ssmoke out hornets like bees? Because otherwise, I suggest an exorcism.

    Feel free to send all those green tomatoes my way. I'll make Southern belle Mrs. Nator fry us up some in corn meal, &c.

    P.S.: Don't tell anyone, but sometimes I do that when I use the toilet, too...

  15. Those hornets are bringing back some bad memories - eeeh. But I always love a trip around the Rancho. Think I could send my gooneybird to potty train with your Gooneybird?

    Nice crops, ours were not as fruitful this year, but hey, we're in Queens, NY. There is something so very symbolic about that lone pear on the tree.

  16. neur: i do it all the time. the kid loves flashlights. he is either going to be a building inspector or a proctologist.
    billy: i gotta say you guys have been eating different tomato piclle than i have because the stuff i've tried tastes like the way the bottom of the kitchen compost bucket smells.
    danator: you gotta resort to chemical warfare with hornets, unfortunately. they're tough.
    and you mean to tell me you have a flashlight next to the loo just in case...? you must have more interesting...outcomes...than i do.
    G: what works for me in my northern clime is beds raised 6 to 8 inches above the mean. tomatoes like warm feet. its like magic.

  17. i like warm feet, too. hmm.

    I'm not a fan of tomatoes, either, so i won't be upset you not making chutney, pickles or whatever from them.

    I do think it's an awful waste that none reddened up before it got cold, though. Bad planning on the part of the tomatoes, i think.

    And i LOVE that pear tree. That is ever so poetic.

  18. well, maybe you should set them hornets onto the dog excremetns in yoru backyard?! :)
    Lovely adn funny post as always.
    As to the clue. Just give it a name like: Goerge and be done with it!

  19. Anonymous9:05 AM

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.