Monday, September 11, 2006

Jiro's Younger Brother The Formidable Foe Hakaida!!

Some of you have been living the breezy alternative life on the coasts of Spain, partaking of exotic drugs and hairy heinie....

Some of you have been *ahem* wind surfing (is THAT what they're calling it now?) in
the Mediterranian...

I went here over the weekend:

...with the COOL people.
This is a partial view of the parking lot of the Fall Monroe ABATE swap meet. Most of what you see parked belongs to patch holders. ABATE swap is one of the big 1%'er events of the year in this neck of the woods.

Here's our hooch. The left side looks a little bare because our crap sold out pretty quick. Most of the rest was our buddy Albert's stuff, and a lot of it was not meant to be sold, just attract the 1919 engine and frame in the background.

The guy on the far left with the giant moon head is Albert, early a.m. looking pretty normal and subdued, for Albert. This guy is 62, looks 40, acts 20 and has never finished a sentence in his life. He's a lifelong biker and holds a Masters in engineering. About five years ago, everyone on the mountain with a scanner heard the aid call go out when he broke two fingers AND sent a woman to the emergency ward with a dislocated vertabrae when he fucked them both right off the bed.
Ooo - See that hot rockin' bear center stage? He hung around all day. That is Prime three-Legged North American Technicolor Griz. Fine? Cute? Butch? Oh my GOD. *fanning self briskly*

Here's our next-hooch neibors. Deal with the hair on the little fuck. That's a shaved mohawk with a rattail mullet. Last year it was down his back...he must have got it caught in something. Both these guys are officers in the Banditos we've been seeing around for years. They turned out to be pretty cool for patch holders.

Hardcore alternative. Until her husband died of cancer a couple of years back, they both lived totally outside the straight economy, on the road, travelling around to bike events, sewing patches and doing leather repairs.
Once the event opened they were completely surrounded three deep all day long. Thats been the norm during every event I've seen them at for 20 years now. They clear several THOUSAND a day. Not bad for no overhead and 10 hours of work a WEEK.

Here's the Red and White setting up just like regular ordinary mortals.
They sell stickers, t-shirts, halter tops and thongs with 'Support your local Angel' on them.
Like I am going to
1. pay MONEY to
2. wear Hell's Angel underpants.
Perhaps not.
Should I feel the need, perhaps I'll just get a Magic Marker and write 'Yes, I am a big ol' loser' across my forehead instead.

What you are seeing is real, and it was not the only one in evidence by a long shot. This is a woman in her forties, in the year 2006, wearing a 'Property Of' vest.
Thank you madam. You have just set the Women's Movement back 150 years.
Now to be completely fair, when her old man turned around, it could clearly be understood by anyone with normal eyesight WHY his roadname was 'Kickstand' so maybe she doesn't give a hoot in hell what I think about her wearing the 'Property of' vest either. Hmmm.

This year 'Resurrection' was representing pretty well. In years past maybe one or two guys would show up, but this year they were all over the place. If you can't make out the picture, it's a motorcycle bursting out of a fiery skull. Goofy, but a lot of these patches were designed by tattoo artists in the 50's so they have that retro thing happening. They seem like pretty good guys, and they don't wear Bandito affiliate patches, so they're two points ahead with me.

This mullet belongs to an 'outlaw' Christian m/c. These guys are just about the most scuzz-encrusted, greasy losers you'd ever want to avoid; and this in a subculture not known for it's personal daintiness. Most of them found religion in jail. Their prez was a huge, fat sonofabitch with long white hair and the delicate, lingering aroma of armpit ass-socks. His cut was literally stiff and shiny with filth. I had to nudge his flab out of my path one day to look at something and he gave me one of those 'you dare exist?' attitudes, which I ignored, coming as it did from his punk-raping jailbird ass. This year everyone is wearing 'R.I.P. Preacher' patches. One pities the mortuary technician on duty that day....eugh.

Just say NO.


Goddammit; where is Nancy Reagan when you need the bitch?

Remember these?
Sucker ran like a scalded cat, too. You take that much mass off a Volkswagen bug, though, and that's what will happen. His bars stretched back about 2 1/2 ft into the cab.

You know, despite my tone, I had an excellent time. This is my peer group, after clad rowdy smartasses who like to go fast, travel light, set shit on fire and make loud frappy noises.
I can take or leave most of the women, but if I am predeceased by my present husband, I know exactly where to go for a replacement. No shit- I spend a day at this place huffing all this leather, motor oil and testosterone, and by the time we leave - ahem. Never mind. Sometimes my daughter reads this. But thats a fact.


  1. Anonymous3:25 PM

    " clad rowdy smartasses who like to go fast, travel light, set shit on fire and make loud frappy noises." Sounds a lot like living with a guitarist.

    That looks like a fun day out - I'd have enjoyed it!

  2. mmm, long-haired, leather-clad sacks of testosterone. i'd've had fun.

    what's a patch? and what does ABATE stand for? though american, i am sadly ignorant of the nomenclature of this particular subculture.

  3. I was fine up 'til the butt crack.

  4. hendrix: it does, and i did!
    cb: hello, my darling! XOOOO
    ABATE is some acronym having to do with helmet legislation-1%'ers are against manditory helmet laws and this event supposedly supports their goal of repealing those laws. ahem. a patchholder is a full member of a club, outlaw or otherwise. (all 'outlaw' means is not sanctioned by the American Motorcycle Association.)
    mj: now you sound like P&T.

  5. FN looks like good fun , I have been struck down by some dreaded lurgy , so may be lolling around and groaning for a few days.You' all know how life threatening MAN FLU can be

  6. beast: lurgy man flu? good god, man, go lie down and drink gin. you've got the mediterranian creeping crud!
    billy: think of a kickstand on a bicycle. that small armature that pokes stiffly off to one side and serves as a kind of a third leg?
    oh for heavens sake it means he has a huge weiner.

  7. Did look like fun, smelly as a Motorhead show. I loved the Resurrection patch, awesome design. Truly a headfuck, would make a great record sleeve (does that date me? I still talk about records, and they come in sleeves...)

    Oh Christ for a gin right now.

  8. Sounds like you had a fantastic time. And Albert's my favorite. THAT is talent.

  9. the "christian crusaders"?? oh, yowza, that sounds awful. self-important and awful.

  10. krusty: almost exactly like a motorhead show. everyones about 56, stoned and wearing leather.
    christine: as long as you're 60 and you're going to need an ambulance, wouldn't you rather it be for fucking a girl off a high bed onto a hard floor instead of, say, getting your hand stuck in a pickle jar?
    claire: they're a trippy bunch. very aggressive. i get the impression they were 'piss boy down' types in prison.

  11. Wow... that was like getting a guided tour through a foreign country!

    Despite having lived directly behind the NYC Hell's Angels for a couple years (they kept their dogs on the roof, and the local cats would literally tease the shit out of them by hanging on the nearby fire escapes), I have never been privy to the culture. In Hawaii we kept running into roving mc clubs at local food stops, and I'd want to ask them about their bikes, but was afraid. Not that I'm not afraid of most people, mind you, just that I've maybe seen too many movies with motorcycle "gangs" being belligerent...

    And, wow, do we have different taste in dates! ;o)

  12. ABATE = American Bikers Aimed Toward Education

    Also, EWWWWWWW hello I do not need to read about you pouncing RQ. Seriously, y'all are like high school kids. Gross!

  13. Danator: most motorcycle people will be more than happy to hold forth on their ride. but you're wise to steer clear of the ones flying outlaw rockers and packing bitch. they play up.
    fyi...just because I like 'em butch doesn't mean they've all had dicks, my dear!
    neur: oh for heavens sakes. I wasn't graphic. but if this grossed you out, then for the love of god SKIP THE NEXT ONE.

  14. Anonymous8:08 PM

    the pictures remind me of the motorcycle rally that we had recently in my neck of the woods, little sturgis, mississippi. yep. almost identical.

  15. Anonymous8:39 PM

    you know, i just LOVE you. and i lovelovelove getting glimpses like this into a world i'm not too familiar with, but enjoy knowing about (if that makes any sense at all).

    that said, i AM familiar with guys like some of these you describe, in fact i got my first tattoo by one. (way back when i did it, "nice" girls didn't do such things, and he was totally freaked out *and* embarrassed, which i thought was very sweet)

    this was a hell of a rockin' post, girlfriend... and i THANK YOU from the bottom of my tattoo'd heart for sharing your fabulous biker chick day with the likes of a Connecticut suburbonite former-good-girl-gone-mad-help-Mr.-Wizard-did-i-break-another-fingernail-woman, like me!! xox

  16. Do tell, leather, testosterone...I guess you're right about Albert, if your call is going to be heard by the locals, well that's a good one. Off the bed you say?

    Loved this post - love the biker culture, not as a participant but as a voyeur. Glad you cleared up the patch thing, I thought perhaps it might be something like the Boy Scouts...

  17. Back in the day I thought about becoming a biker. Yes, it was purely for the black leather and the bad-ass-effect...but dang, a girl can dream can't she?

  18. pink: welcome! did you go? you should've. those boys down there know how!
    neva: you're the one with the philosopher-dog. see, to me, THATS exotic.
    G: well, in a way, it is like the boy scouts. there are different patches for different things...none of them knot tying or tying flies, though.
    awaiting: hell, me too!
    how is your tummy, my darling?

  19. Thanks for asking, FN. More trips to the doctor are in order. They still can't seem to tell me what it is, so I am off to another city about an hour away to see a better and more reputable specialist, who was referred to me by my sister's neurosurgeon.

  20. A world entirely unknown to me:)

  21. Thus sayeth FN:
    "fyi...just because I like 'em butch doesn't mean they've all had dicks, my dear!"

    And I repeat: wow, do we have different taste in dates! ;o)

  22. :D My bikers were all silly old fools drinking pints and smokin' pipes. Your lot look a bit scary.

    Same as Da Nator.

    And where were the pics of the Yummy Biker??

  23. FN: Very cool post. The guy to the right of the mohawk guy in the fourth picture is a hot, sexy, babe!!! Ahoooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

  24. That man with the big 'plumbers arse' is obviously offering his services as a an alternative and largely organic bike park. There's a use for everything you know!

  25. Oh and I meant to say - not that keen on the 'propert of' vests - get a fucking life! Or the rat-tail mohawk mullet combo. I don't mind the mohawk - it's just the rat-tail masquerading as limp mullet makes me feel a bit like getting the scissors out once and for all. x