Monday, October 02, 2006

The Great Demon Silver Tortoise Summons Three Monsters

Welcome to October!
In keeping with the season, I will be writing a post about one of the two spooky encounters with the unknoooooooown that I have had in my life. But that will not happen until Halloween. Not like its worth waiting for with bated breath, because it's only about a 5 on the 1 - 10 scale of spooky bookiness, but it did happen to me, and you can't say I didn't warn you now.

The first of the spooky encounters I've encountered with the unknooooooown is posted up at The Shadowlands in their 'True by cracky stories of scary ghostly spooky shit pages'. Guilty admission: I love this site.

No I will not tell you which story.

About once every three months or so, if I'm feeling bummed out, I go to the Shadowlands site and do nothing but read these accounts obsessively for a couple of days. For some reason, and I have no idea what that reason is, it make me feel better. Not that we are besieged by the shades of the dead here at Rancho FirstNations; no, we are not. Anyway, that would not bum me out so much as I would just skip the running away part and go directly to the 'mindless terrified gibbering from which there is no return ever' part. For you see: I know ghosts are bullshit. Theres no such thing. And they scare the shit out of me.

After all - just because I don't believe in (fill in the blank) doesn't mean it isn't real. And of all the things I know aren't real, ghosts are the NUMBER ONE thing I know isn't real. Followed closely by aliens who want to peer up your butthole* and jam big old long fucking hypodermic needles into your eyeballs.**

I have a friend who is a believer. She just loves ghostly anything. She has gone on the Myrtles Plantation ghost tour, the New Orleans ghost tour, the Victoria BC ghost tour....and she claims she experienced paranormal things on each one. In other words she pays cash money hoping that some unnatural dead old deceased damn thing will leap out and make her pee herself. See, now, me...? This is not how I choose to spend my money.
Now, I have been to quite a few places that I've subsequently found to be registered on the 'haunted crap' sites (and didn't I feel all warm and fuzzy when I discovered that?)
Not a thing.
Not a tingle, not a chill, not a 'let me eeeeeat your souuuuuuul'whispered from a dark basement, nothing. And for this I am truly, truly, truly grateful. But if my friend were to go to any of these places she'd be palpitating and recieving mental images and I don't know what all. Anyway something would happen.

When we spent New Years with her she thought that it would be terribly humorous to make reservations for us all at a hotel in Vancouver BC which is supposed to be haunted, knowing how I feel about this stuff.
I caught on when I heard her and her partner murmuring about 'The murder suite' and 'the woman in the lobby' and fronted her up on it.
Yes, she admitted, the Coronation is listed on the 'Haunted Vancouver' site.

Oh ha!

So funny!

Here I'm stuck in a foreign damn country, profoundly and comprehensively fucked up, yea; stoned to the very roots of my hair, with no vehicle, in a haunted hotel, with dead shit floating around going 'wooooooooooo', and bleeding, headless, with death, and horror, scary, and death.
I grabbed her by the hand and we took a little tour of the haunted hotel.
Haunted lobby? check.
Haunted ladies room? check.
Haunted auditorium? check.
Haunted staircase? check.
Nothing, nothing, nothing.
HA! upon you, Ghost Hotel! I laugh in the face of your spooky hauntedness!
Go sit upon your mothers hat! I am spit upon your so called 'Lady in the Lobby' with her so-humorous not appearings to me!

Oh crap, was I relieved.

*Aliens are not interested in your ass. Not my ass, not your ass, not anyones' ass. Not even Frobishers ass. To abduct us; possibly to take us to their mysterious homeworld and drop us in the mucus-filled digestive pits of Arzal-Thror where we will scream in unimagineable agony for ten thousand years while they caper and laugh obscenely, possibly. But to think that they came zillions of parcecs just to peer up our colons?
Come on.
I claim no great state of advancement; yet if I found an alien lying around somewhere, would I take it home and poke stuff up it's butt? No I would not. In fact I can state conclusively that looking up it's hine is the very last thing I would be considering.
In conclusion: Do I give one well-lubricated hoot in hell about the entire issue of alien buttholes? I do not. Despite what Homo Escapeons might think.

**Guilty admission #2 - the movie 'Fire in the Sky' scared me so bad I had tears of pure terror running down my face, and I wasn't crying. I could NOT look out the windows. I went to bed with all the lights on.


  1. Shit, "The Sixth Sense" had me sleeping in bed with my best friend for 3 weeks after I saw it. I do not watch scary movies. ever.

    and i don't believe in ghosts. total crap. SO WHY DO THEY SCARE ME!?!?

  2. Anonymous4:25 PM

    it's october, so the tv people are always playing scary movies and horror stories and true ghost hauntings and stuff.

    there is a series about these teams of people having to go out to these freaky places and perform certain scary tasks. it's cool, but freaky. and i can't remember the name of the show.

    blair witch still scares the pee outta me.

  3. cb: i saw that. i felt so sorry for the little boy that it kind of overwhelmed the scared, although i DID NOT LIKE THE KID WANDERING AROUND WITH HALF HIS HEAD BLOWN OFF ONE LITTLE BIT.
    pink: is that the one with the plumbers in New Jersey who do the ghost busting?

  4. Ghosts are actually caused by Stephen Neal killing people faster than Death can process them. If that's not scary enough, I must remind you that Stephen Neal sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled World Champion ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Stephen kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

  5. Heh, same as CB and you. I watched the Grudge and kept thinking scary thoughts about dead Japanese women in my room and stuff. *shudder*
    My old High school was haunted by stuff. Yeah-huh.

  6. Did I ever mention I am a believer?

    I mean, in 7th grade I truly believed in parallel universes that explained the sense of deja vu and ghosts.

    And....I once saw Bloody Mary...

    Okay, not really, but dang, I do have strange dreams.


    (my interpretation of ghostly sounds)

  7. *laughs at "went to bed with all lights on"*

    Really, I am laughing WITH you on that one!


  8. I was abducted and probed twice last Friday & missed Coronation St. It is becoming rather tiring now.

    I have actually seen a ghost!

  9. god, i can't even watch scary movies. I am a total puss when it comes to this stuff.

    I worked for a weekend at a festival in the Deepwells mansion a town over when i was in high school. It was the summer home of NYCity Mayor William Gaynor around 1910 whom apparently still resides there with his entire family.
    Did i see anything? No, not really - but it scared the everliving shit out of me anyway. There are these HUGE, 8 ft wide, floor to ceiling guilded mirrors adjacent to each staircase going all the way up to the 3rd? 4th floor? And I could NOT bear to look at them because i was sure i would see some creepy ghostly figure and i just about peed my pants when i had to be alone in the house.

    I am useless.

  10. champ: i thought it was your holy essence getting splashed on the radiator grille of a Peterbilt. no wait, that was Optimus Prime. anyway, stop it!
    noshit: i can't even look at the damn trailer for grudge II. as for haunted high schools; i won't even go to my own reunions. theres no way I'd waste my afterlife at one.
    awaiting: i used to be, bigtime. I still keep up on it, because its interesting. and dont laugh about the fire in the sky thing. everyone knows that the light from an incandescent bulb repels aliens and ghosts. and the more the better.
    frobi: I want to hear about the ghost!!! do a post on it!! seriously! please! with sugar! however,I do not want to hear about the abduction. i will, however, review color slides of the event.
    claire: i think Deepwells was on the A&E haunted places series. YOU WORKED THERE???? those mirrors should be kept covered at all times, because...damn. boogity boogity.

  11. I have had a love/hate relationship with that ghosty shit forever. I mean, I can't stand real horror movies, and Blair Witch had me afraid to turn the lights off for like, 6 months - no exaggeration. But, at the same time, Halloween is my favourite holiday, and when I come across a good scary story, ghost report website or cheesy vampire movie I canNOT turn away.

    I've actually had a lot of paranormal and psychic experiences in my life, some on the very whooo-OOOO-ooooo side of things. The weird part is, although I may be terrified of the IDEA of ghosts, the unexplained, & c., and perhaps even freaked out some time after the experiences, I have been strangely calm DURING these... encounters, disturbingly verifiable hallucinations, or whatever you want to call them. It's like - in theory? Terrifying! In practice - I feel a little odd, but perfectly safe. Huhn.

    Oh, and thanks for pointing us to a ghost story site. Now Mrs. Nator will be begging me to turn off the lamps, already, all week.

    P.S.: I'm ready for your stories NOW!

  12. blair witch haunted me twenty four hours a day for about six months. i had to buy the dvd and force myself to watch it a few times in broad daylight to break the spell of it.

    and then the other weekend i spent five hours wandering round an abandoned mental hospital. was i scared? not a bit. of security catching us, yes. but the heebie-jeebies? not a single one.

    i'm going back this weekend. hah! mwahahahahaha.....!!!!

  13. 1.Blair Witch - how could anyone find it scarey .the three actors where so irritating that I was just annoyed the Blair Witch didnt kill the feckers an hour earlier.
    My flat in London had a ghost I used to see marching about all the time , and my brother has one in his house that pinches everything and opens all the curtains and windows from time to time , so they have always kinda been accepted as part of the extended family

  14. danator: i done emailedja. nuff sed.
    surly: blair witch was scaring the crap out of me until my husband started cracking up uncontrollably at the crying girl with her boogery face all up in the camera. that kinda broke the spell for me.
    beast: yup, you MUST do a ghost post!!!!! please with frobisher on top!

  15. I can't watch scary films - axes, chainsaws, escaped convicts etc.
    I take a peek if it's vaguely Dickensian.
    There seems to be a trend for children with blacked-out eyes in horror films now, have you noticed. Not safe to watch adverts these days.
    Never have encoutered a ghost. I had a terrifying experience with a place once, and had to flee. But I didn't see anything specific.

  16. nope, not ghostbusters. these people were young, like high school age, and it was on MTV, you know, that station that plays only that gosh=darned crackhead music?

  17. mtv most haunted. i saw one with a six foot four quarterback running through the attic of an abandoned asylum crying his eyes out.


  18. Anonymous5:29 PM

    Never mention those four words again or I will have dreams about having my eyeballs jabbed at and being cocooned in honey again.

  19. ara: there there, you dont have to. btw, when are ya gonna update already? (probably has by now)
    pink: aint never seen it. sounds sadistic. i miss everything.
    surly: there ya go! thankew!
    neur: omg, do you remember us sitting on the edge of the sofa holding hands and crying? ohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrap. bleaaaaaagh maple syrup! bleagh ufos with bad housekeeping! bleagh icky exam tables with rubber sheeeeeets!!!!

  20. How about this for a scary story - Nations loses all of her fighting points for disparaging the World Champ!

  21. You know, you should take her somewhere and tell her it is known to be haunted and she will tell you all this shit she feels and then you tell her you were messing with her... I'd like to see how she would explain all that away!

    I have had quite a few scary encounters myself and one entailed alien-ish activity/paranoia and whatnot... I would so much rather not go there that's FO SHO!!

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  24. MizB: nah, she's nice; i like her loads. anyway, she'd probably just say 'Well, its haunted NOW!'
    champ: i understand from certain sources you taste 'just like chicken'. this complicates my wine choices as i was planning something more traditional; a round, full red, possibly a merlot, to accompany your heart and liver. would you endorse a blush reisling?

  25. Yeah, I should post. Been reading books (you know 'em) for weeks and enjoying myself too much for anything else.
    I'd like to email you a title etc, but don't see a link. Fancy emailing me at mine and I could return?

  26. I believe in ghosts, and I don't watch scary movies because I too will crawl into the fetal position and suck my thumb. And not sleep...for a long time. I don't see or hear ghosts because thank gods I don't have the "gift." But I know people who do. OK that's it, not talking about it any more.(making thumb-sucking noises)

  27. The scariest movie in this genre is the Pang Brothers' Hong Kong horror flick "The Eye". Second, "Don't Look Now", the Nick Roeg chiller. "Ring" was hair-raising in more ways than one.

    I have had two strange experiences. The most electrifying one was my late father, who was killed during WW2, sitting on the end of my bed. I said, "Dad, is that you?" but he went away.

    In the other, a black BEAST leaped through my closed window and over my bed and vanished. I was not, unfortunately, dreaming at the time.
    And it was panther-sized, not housecat-sized.

  28. ara: i will and stuff. oo! titles! *wipes drool*
    dave: dude, i thought you were mad at me for making light of croc hunters passing. thanks for visiting! please no hard feelings. i was giddy.
    anywho...i havve been warned in no uncertain terms by the Amazon NEVER TO SEE THE RING. or Jacobs' Ladder. and now, see, im kinda curious....

  29. There's a haunted Victoria tour? And you never told me? I thought we were friends! Oh, and if you want haunted Canadian hotels, go to Jasper, Alberta. Scariest lodge I've ever seen.

    I LOVE the Shadowlands site. Go try out Castle of the next time you feel a ghostly urge. It's even better.

  30. davethef sorry I was just messing about....didnt mean to frighten you

  31. Okay, I'm really scared but I'm laughing (I hope he doesn't see this) at the World Champ Stephen Neal's comments. But I'm also really scared.