Saturday, September 30, 2006

stupid and immature things i have done recently

1. Throwing rocks at cats.

Not to hit them, but to make them freak out. The cat being targeted should ideally be fast asleep in the grass. Points given if the cat actually attackes the rock.
Bonus Gold Star points if the cat attacks itself.

2. Fooing air on the dog.

Why does this make dogs nuts? My tater will roll in somersaults, paddling his paws and making euurooop noises, burying his head and woofing. Then he gets pissed off if you stop!

3. Run the lid of the blender through the blades.

The results would have been more spectacular if it had been the Cuisinart, but I work with what I have. Besides, Cuisinart saw me coming and engineered that failsafe button. Crap.

4. Painted half of the bedroom schoolbus yellow.

I'd like to say that I'd thought it wouldn't turn out that color, but I knew it would. It's very cheerful. Kind of 'methamphetemines and espresso' cheerful.

5. Let my grandson drive.

6. That was a lie.

7. Took apart the vaccuum cleaner and used the air compressor to clean out the hose.

The hose does not exit where you might think the hose would exit. If you happen to be standing quite close to the actual exit, and in point of fact peering all up inside it like a proctologist with a brand new dialator, it can exit right into ones' trachea. At pressure.

This was not fun. Nor did it taste good.

8. Teasing hornets with the garden hose is a bad idea, but it is fun. We don't have Nintendo, ok?

Right up until you realize squirting water into their nest means that water is now also shooting out into your living room through the old cable outlet. Like a firehose. For about 45 minutes. This is why you should never mix beer and insects. Or something.

9. Sprayed the toilet bowl down with bleach and then took a whiz in it.

I'm lucky I have any hair left on my...yeah.

What makes this dumb AND sad is that there is an entry on the Darwin Awards website about a woman doing the exact same thing who almost died from the subsequent fumes. Evolution is desparately trying to tell me something.

10. Fed the dogs tomatoes.
I love my doggies and they beg for tomato pieces, and I've had a lot of tomatoes to process lately so I gave in. It makes them so happy!

Half an hour later the fusillade began. Dogs don't digest tomatoes real well.
Every time one of them kicked, or barked, or trotted across the room it sounded like a rubber submachine gun firing Vaseline bullets. And they zip around and look every time, too, like 'Dang! My ass did that thing again!' Man, I about died! I had tears rolling down my face. Yessir, that there is quality entertainment!

Martha Stewart hint of the day:
"By adding unpeeled tomatoes to your dogs diet, you can also add a dash of unexpected color to your landscaping!"


  1. w00t! I get first.
    My cat does that if you pick him up while he's napping. Self defence against my idiot sister, me thinks.

  2. Shall I be the first to say "perhaps you should get out more" Hmm Hmm?

  3. FN , all quality home entertainement suggestions. for extra startling colour and messy, noisy, suprise follow thru try cooked beetroot instead of tomatoes.Possibly best kept for suprise feedings of anoying neighbours dogs

  4. FN, i've sunk to a new level. i never thought i use such a juvenile and uncreative phrase in a comment box, but here goes:

    OMG!!!! ROTFLMAO!!!!!

    That is all.

  5. noshit: what, fart or attack? although with cats thats kinda the same thing. nothing worse than cat ass fumes.
    frobi: yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. i know. but its not like being in public stops me from doing this kind of thing either.
    beast: omg. beets? purple beets? thats....actually pretty cool. thanks for the top tip, beast!!

  6. woops, cb: you can be juvenile and uncreative here all you want. this is liberty hall. so, are you gonna go out with 'anonymous'??????

  7. "And they zip around and look every time, too, like 'Dang! My ass did that thing again!'"

    I LMFAO to that one too.

  8. of course i'm not going to go out with Mr. Anonymous. What kind of question is that?!?! (well, given my history, a pretty good one, i s'pose.) but no, i'm not. we've got a friendly little email reparte' going because, as i told him, when someone extends the hand of friendship i don't take it lightly and i don't dismiss it w/o good reason. he seems a neat guy, and we have some common interests, so perhaps we will be friends. but nothing more. i'm very happy with my Pirate's booty, spank you very much.

  9. i couldn't see the pix on this post, so will have to make do with wild and vivid imagination. it was funny.

    my dog eat guava from time to time. maybe i should try tomatoes.

    word verif says "faqke"

    that's how the southern polynesian pronounce 'fucked'

  10. why don't I visit here more often? must put in a link.

  11. Evolution is trying to tell you that inventive, non-conformity people have all the fun and surprises to add spice to their lifes!

  12. Gosh darn if that wasn't funny! Good thing I never tried any of them!

  13. For particularly fragrant effusions, try broccoli.

  14. god, if dogfarts were just a funny noise, it would totally be worth it.

    sadly, the stink is just too toxic for me to do it on purpose.

    cheese always makes a healthy stank, btw.

  15. Have you noticed they all focus on the fart joke..... a poignant comment on the human condition....possibly.
    Except for Chaucers Bitch who is obviously a Laydeeeee

  16. Anonymous11:42 AM

    sadly, Max (our Beardie) only allows SBDs to slip out while he's napping. even more sad is the fact that he does this while he's napping at my feet while i'm on the computer. sigh.

    as for Martha's suggestion? actually, it's a good one, for tomatos will keep puppy pee from burning your lawn, so, you know... it's a trade off: screwed up ozone vs green grass. you decide.

    stir up a hornet's nest? shit, i wouldn't have done that back in my own bad drinking days, let alone NOW! xox

    by the way, we've got a nice Darwin-related post up on the Snark you might enjoy... assuming you can see through the fart-fumes to do so!

  17. See, the problem here is, you forgot that hornets are eeeee-villll, and even if you think you have them bested, you have only walked into their sadistic trap. Beware!

    I'm not going to even address the dog farts. I've got some childhood trauma from that you wouldn't believe.

    BTW, I want to know where you get your pictures, FN. I can't ever get anything half that funny from Googling. But maybe I don't have enough time on my hands... ;o)

  18. Beast - it's simple, really.

    Farts = Funny.

  19. Great Day in the Morning that was funny.
    Mind you one could have a veritable Freudian Field Day with all of the Anal Obssessing but what the hell..
    I take it you don't have cable?

  20. You totally crack me up. Your vivid descriptions have got me going.

    Never feed the dog garlic and onion spaghetti sauce. The resulting emissions will render your home uninhabitable for hours.

    Not that I do that. Much.

  21. spin: well, they do.
    cb: just askin!
    treespotter: aside from the bare pussy, it might very well have been better your way, too.
    tick: welcome! you go right ahead.
    minka:oh good. thank you. evolution mumbles sometimes.
    awaiting: just try the bleach and pee one. yeah. or not.
    tim: broccoli. innnnnnteresting. see beast and his boiled beetroot.
    claire: oh god, cheese. and it backs them up, too. then they do that scooty thing across the carpet. fun times.
    beast: i run a class comment salon, what can i say?
    neva: my tater does the same thing. audibly. awwwww, he luvs him mommy!
    danator: you have to google:images with VERVE.
    claire: exactly. see, she gets it!
    homoE: dont try to quantify it. just let go and floooooooooooat....
    pam: yup, check. ever fed a cat frozen peas? try it sometime. we can compare notes.

  22. Anonymous12:25 PM

    fn, i think it's time you switched to decaf coffee. although, i laughed so hard i snorted cola through my nose.