Tuesday, September 26, 2006

another rough one. skip it and have a nice week.

I used to be married to a person who is a staff member in a prominent nut cult. This person was responsible for putting me and my infant daughter into a series of battered women's shelters.

Pointing up his true nature, and existing in defiance of his complete denial, (which I expected) there are police reports to substantiate the events which lead to my leaving him. There are photographs of injuries, including a nice series of the FINGERPRINTS AROUND MY NECK. A set exists in the files of Harborview Medical Center and also at each one of the shelters I stayed at. (Not that I went back to his abusive shit after he tried to kill me, but because he stalked me to the first shelter, so they had to shuttle me around the city to keep me hidden. Yeah.) There are reports, photographs and signed affadavits on file with the police department, the Seattle Domestic Violence Project, and the state Welfare Department as well.

This guy is near to being an embodiment of the clinical standard for antisocial psychosis; one on the order of Ted Bundy, folks...handsome, well spoken, all the trappings, and absolutely without any sense of conscience or wrongdoing whatsoever. (And fortunately, not as bright or as brave as Ted Bundy, either, or I'd be in some big shit.)

Despite his assertions to the contrary, he is not only a staff member but an executive in this bullshit organization.
He shouldn't be. Their internal policy states that by all rights he should be barred from holding a staff position. But he does.
Know why?
Because he is an earner.

Never let anyone tell you any differently about S**********...it's all about the money with them. The set of standards they profess is infinitely elastic where the possibility of profit is concerned, and if there is one thing my ex is good at, it's raking in the dough. The fact that he is owned body and soul by them matters not one whit to him because he is psychologically unable to comprehend that anyway. Me, I get a great deal of satisfaction out of knowing damn well that he is merrily embezzling a cut of whatever $$ pass his way, because thats what he's done in every single job he's ever held. Considering the organization, I ain't saying a word. Rock on. My blessings. You all deserve one another. They were idiot enough to let him loose in their computer programs.
Karma's a bitch. So am I.

I was involved at one time too, yes. I won't detail that involvement closely, because a member searching deeply into this issue with a memory of me could easily put the facts together and figure out my identity and whereabouts, and then Church harrassment would begin again. I know for a fact that people who had contact with me back then are still being harrassed all these years later. (Not seriously, but any is too much.) The reason why? I not only left a staff member, I won a lawsuit against a staff member.

Now let me detail exactly what harrassment means. It means phonecalls at all hours of the day and night. Hangups. Breathers. Spurious phone sales and surveys.
It means a constant barrage of crap mailings that amount to, at times, GARBAGE SACKS FULL of promotional propoganda, letters, etc. every month. I know this because I saw it done when I was there. I did it. I had it happen to me. And that's the level some people are still experiencing because of me.

Now thank God, this isn't happening, but it also means following members suspected of anti-curch activities, getting jobs in their organizations, tapping their phones, ABDUCTING THEIR CHILDREN, surveilling their homes, opening their mail...and anything else you can imagine. Oh yes.
I know this because I saw it done when I was there. I did it. At least the undercover secret mole working thing.
In my defense I did not know I was being used as a lil' spy at the time; I thought they had gotten me a nice outside job and only twigged when I was hauled into the E***** Office and asked to write a full report on the activities there. Which I did NOT, I might add.

This shit is their policy. It is their published and stated policy. I have read this policy. It amounts to, in the plainest of language, 'Open Season on our enemies'. As someone who has left the organization AND won a lawsuit against a staff member, I fit that definition. They do not care. They make the lower level flunkies do the dirty work, then sell them out to the law if they get busted and continue on their merry way. And guess who was one of their favorite flunkies? My ex.

Sound ridulous? It is. It is also true. Every damn word.

I have been to the anti-you-know-who sites. The one hosted by Finland (yay Finland!) is particularly good, and every damn word is accurate and true. The type of extreme measures they went to in order to recruit Cruise and others is detailed. They describe the types of bizzarre disciplinary practices which went on behind the scenes. Those accounts are true, and if you read nothing else, read them. I know they're true. I read reports issued when they occurred. I spoke with ( uniform-wearing members of the interior police force) who BRAGGED about having taken part.

Own nothing, you are nothing, to them. That's why I wasn't pursued with the same vigor that others have been. That, and I got the fuck out and left very few traces. I took precautions. I got legal help. For years I hid. I had my name on nothing. I had a fake address and identity. I bought a gun. I got a 'Permit to Carry Concealed' and I did, every time I stepped out of the house. For years. Would I have used it? WITHOUT A SECOND THOUGHT. If I know anything about myself, it's that I can and would kill other human being to protect my daughter, or any of my family. I did not particularly want to know that about myself, but there you have it.

Another reason I have left out a lot of details is because they are disgusting and because my daughter reads this sometime. There simply is shit I have decided will die with me. And after all, isn't this dramatic and retarded enough? Really? Pathetic, disgusting, evidence of poor judgement and even poorer self esteem on my part? Yes, it is.

I am writing about this because it still bothers me and I need to quantify it out of existance, to completely exterminate any power it still has to make me feel enslaved, ashamed and frightened. Too fucking bad if you don't like it, if it makes you cringe and think 'oh god, what a loser'. I am in complete agreement with you, as it so happens. I was a loser.
I am not anymore.
Nonetheless, these things occurred. They're part of the story of my life. So fuck you.
Not you, you. I mean the other yous.

And also because I refuse to be silenced, goddammit. I'm smart, and this shit still happened to me. Be ignorant, and it might happen to you too. You'd be surprised.
Anyway there it is.

with thanks to mj. i refuse to go through the rest of my life paranoid about meeting someone for lunch, goddammit!!!


  1. Anonymous11:37 AM

    Sooooooo messed up, man. Them, not you.

    Congratulations on taking control.

  2. Blimey. I knew there was some screwed-up shit going on there but I never realised quite how bad.

    What Beth said - good on you getting out.

  3. FN I dont think anyone is gonna think your a loser , this type of stuff can happen to anyone , I hate to say it but some of the large corperations use the same type of mind control crap on their employee's (obviously to a far lesser degree).
    As the others say you have taken control , which dont mean to say it will magically stop nagging at you , as thats the whole point of the manipulation , if you were a weak person you would have crumbled and gone back....you havn't , so give yaself a huge hug.......I wouuld give you a beast hug but I have been eating garlic....yum .
    PS I hope this didnt sound patronising , coz in no way is it meant to be.

  4. Is there any one of us here who hasn't felt like a loser at some point or felt paranoid because of someone else and their mind-fucking games? Raise your hands. I'm sitting on mine.

  5. Nations! Hats off to you. You made the right choice. Were you married to Tomkat?

    On the lighter side, my member has also been called a staff.

  6. mj says it right, here. Good on yer for getting this out, not an easy read so couldn't have been an easy write. Yet again you impress, FN.

  7. Ms. Nations, I applaud your bravery. The world is catching on to the schemes of this movement, and it is a business, as well as a way for Hollywood-types to launder their money while enjoying tax benefits. Have you seen the World Champ's many rants regarding their sect? (Or have they been removed as well?)

  8. beth: thank you.
    billy: and you too.
    beast: oh i know. and you can hug me; i had a garlicky pasta dish for lunch. together we can fend off the vampires.
    mj: yeah, shit. anyway, i suddenly got so tired of living with this hanging round my neck when i realized THAT was the reason i was nervous about meeting you! fuck that! wtf..i was young.
    champ: 1.thanks. 2.i was young and dumb, yes, but not UNCONSCIOUS.
    krusty: thanks. actually it came out like projectile vomit. poorly punctuated projectile vomit.
    witsie: not at all, sir.

  9. good lord, I'd never call you a loser FN! I'm thankful you got out. It DOES takes smarts and guts to do that.
    I'm sorry you had to endure the psychopathic husband. That kind of abuse leaves a mark that will never go away.

  10. Jeez M. Crow. I knew there was some serious power and looniness there, but I had no idea to what extent. Thank whatever-higher-being that you got out & are OK, and also thanks that this crazy shit is becoming more exposed every day.

    How do you live on the run like that? I have no idea how you did it...

  11. kyah: people should know that things are survivable. even self-loathing! to be perfectly over the top. but true.
    danator; i owe a lot to the Seattle Domestic Violence project for helping me learn how to protect myself and to establish a false identity and address, and also, suprisingly enough, to the psychos' mom. she knew what her son was and i think she fielded a lot of bullshit on my behalf. not that she loves me for it...! but still, credit where credit is due.

  12. Speak on FN. Use any platform you find. I run a program that promotes awareness about parental depression. Let's just say, Cruise and the folks aren't my favorite either.

  13. Wow! You have been through alot and managed to come through shining with intelligence, strength, will, and a sense of wit and humor that is amazing!

    I applaud you!

  14. I agree with your comment to Kyah... self-loathing is survivable indeed, man, I should know!

    In no way are you a loser... I read this last night and was too fried to truly comment and I wanted it all to sink in... not sink in as in "Oh my god what a weirdo and what do I say to that?" but sink in as in "Oh my god what she went through and she is now so kickass and a fabulous and loving (and despite her tough talking ways) tender and sweet woman and mother and grandmother and wow!"

    I am in awe of you and what you have survived and gone through... a true warrior I tell you! And thank you for the inside info, well as much of it as you can say or hint to, on the unmentionables. I have actually read up on them quite a bit and have always considered them a cult and am baffled how so many famous and seemingly well-adjusted people buy into that shit... shows how extremely dangerous it is...

    I once read an interesting article linking them to Sonny Bono, perhaps his death, as he wanted out and his wife would have none of it and yet another article on a "plain Jane non celeb" woman who died at their hands in quite the gruesome way and yet they managed to escape prosecution... very chilling and man how happy am I that you are OUT AND AWAY from the freaks!

    Bohemians everywhere applaud you and bow humbly before you! FO SHOO!

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  16. FN, Of all the available adjectives, "loser" is pretty much bottom of the list to describe you.

    Your ex sounds like my white male supremacist. He had dealings with Them too, I found out. And stalked me for years. Work, home, inside, outside. They succeed in getting into your head even if they don't get you physically, don't they?

    I'm so glad you gave it to him/them: with your independence, by winning, by being happy and healthy, and by giving your daughter and grandson a decent life.

    FN 1000000 : LRH 0

  17. I never realised the Soroptimists were such cunts. Or did I miss something.

    They tried to get me once, in Toronto. I'd never heard of the fuckwits, and I had an hour to kill, so I filled in one of their personality tests, and left my contact details (fortunately not a phone number). I got increasingly deranged letters telling me that the test proved that I was dangerously depressed (I was 17, isn't that normal?) and that only by chowing down on L Ron's gleaming pork submarine would I get better. What really turned me off was how huge and childish the handwriting was.

    I salute you, FN. You've got bigger balls than any of them.

  18. They are always trying to get me to buy their crappy book when I go to Poole High Street (Have you got time for a couple of questions?). I feel it is my duty to be rude & obnoxious to them. Usually questions about "free sex" sends them running.

  19. Damn. I had no idea about any of this. I knew they were a bunch of whackjobs, but I didn't realize they were a bunch of evil, abusive, psychotically deranged, morally bankrupt whackjobs. I thought that kind of behaviour was only found in born-again-Christian cults.

    Anyway, well done you. We love you darling, and to quote Lord Elrond, "you have shown remarkable resistance to [its] power."

    ps. "Karma's a bitch. So am i." Brilliant. Well put.

  20. wow

    what CB said. I had no idea they were like that.

    they were out in force in London after the 7/7 bombings 'helping'. What you say puts a whole new complexion on that.

  21. Inspiring.
    We all have shit behind us. It doensæt do well to lock them in a closet. Through them out and prevent others from making teh same mistakes is the only way to find salvation.
    You have to balance it out. For one person you have tormented in whatever way, warn 10 others now that you know what is going on.
    And it seems to me, that you are doing real fine!

  22. mutha: good for you, i say. without those programs i would be lost or dead. you do important work and it makes a difference!
    awaiting: do talk, ms awaiting! you've been through a fair chunk yourself and come through with total class, which is why i love you. btw, how is the found sibling reunion thing progressing????
    MizB: thank you, my darling. keep nosing around...it makes interesting reading. if you happen across an account by a british woman who was held in detention in Florida for a sexual indescretion committed with another member DURING ASTRAL PROJECTION...yup. really happened.
    mudlark: thank you. i don't think of myself as a loser now. but...the aryan nut? yeeesh! so sorry! wotta douche!
    tim: funny fact-i was trained to score those. it's not a nut-cult generated thing, it's real as far as that goes, and theres a scoring equation you have to perform in order to get a result. then, they go through another office which 'reviews' the results and 'corrects' them before the 'oh my god you gonna die if you don't come right in now' letters go out. as a staff member, you are expected to swallow this kind of chicanery as a matter of course 'for the greater good'.
    frobi: well done, tastee rat! fyi, its a really shitty book. but if you buy it, they count you as a member because 'if you read it you'll eventually join'. thats where their 'huge worldwide membership' numbers come from.
    cb: thank you. the thing that kept me in was lack of enough self esteem to say 'this is bullshit' with 100% conviction, because i wasn't worthy of declaring such a thing, and trying to save my marriage with a baby on the way. to my credit, i never once believed the space nonsense. i know bad writing when i see it.
    gse: that is despicable. and it is also completely in keeping with their policy. at the same time, the homeless are regularly turned away from their doors because they are 'downstat'- meaning they have no money.

  23. minka: woops, you slid in under the wire!
    you know what? thats exactly right. im paying back. and boy, do i owe! muchas smooches!

  24. Add me to the column of "oh god, i had no idea". I knew they were a bunch of controlling assholes, but not to such a freakish degree. Good for you for getting yourself out of harms way and in control of your own life.

    Makes me seriously wonder why Isaac Hayes quit SP. Hmm.

  25. Ditto on the no idea of just how bad! But ditto also on the admiration for you. For you have a lot to be proud of. You were young when this happened to you - it could've happened to anybody here under the "right" circumstances.

    Good for you for taking control, but even more so by sharing it.

  26. my god! I can't believe it - no I DO believe you, I just never realised that they could be that bad. You are a great survivor, you should be so proud of protecting your daughter and getting the hell out - and you are still doing good - every person you enlighten is a strike against them and those like them. You are the winner and definitely not a loser. X

  27. FN, what everyone here said: You are no loser, on the contrary, you are a fighter and a winner. I'm sorry you had to go through this stuff, we all go through crap of one type or another. Thank you for this great post, I had no idea they are like that.

  28. You know, when ever I pass their large groups of tables in the Times Square subway station, conducting "free personality tests, " or whatever they claim to be doing, and giving out the book I am seized with rage and disgust. I just know they are luring unsuspecting passers-by into their web. But what could I do about it? The more I learn about them, the more I realize that if I said boo they'd figure out some revenge, which is exactly what they want their skeptics and detractors to think, don't they?

    And, for then record, in case I didn't make it clear in my last comments: YOU TOTALLY ROCK!

    Big hugs.

  29. Anonymous1:42 PM

    Brilliant, articulate, warm, loving, creative, funny, strong, intelligent, witty...there a million words that immediately spring to mind about you but loser is not one of them. There's not a single commenter here who would disagree with that and we only have the privilige of knowing you through your posts.

    To live (and i use the word advisedly - there are many who don't survive it) in an abusive relationship it tough - to have the courage to leave one is even tougher. To do it at the same time as leaving a sect which doesn't "like" people leaving, to live looking over your shoulder for years on end takes physical and mental courage of the sort that transcends mere survival instinct.

    You're one hell of a woman!

  30. claire: because his handlers with the church told him to. i imagine he wrote up a report on the upcoming script and they decided it was an enemy organization. if an organization has been deemed an 'enemy' you have to quit, immediately, or you end up in the same boat. happens all the time. when you 'join' you are quizzed on a whole list of organizations they have previously judged as enemies and if you have EVER belonged to one, or any of your relatives has, then yer out.
    g: thanks. i actually have had good things happen to me. really.
    ziggi: my daughter is the best thing that ever happened to me.
    carmentza: thanks. nothing like youth and stupidity, yep!
    danator: they arent that scary. but once they have personal info, they start with the various types of harrassment, and lots of people are very susceptable to that. anyway, independant thought and creativity are not real high on their list of things to be, and that helps.
    helena: lots of times it was whiny, crying, shitfaced, tantrums...survival is not pretty. the only thing that kept me afloat? was rage. rage and hate.
    don't expect political correctness here. i was no Bernadette.
    you know, those things exist for a reason? and surviving shit is the reason. the trick is putting those tools down when they've served their purpose.

  31. Anonymous4:20 PM

    It seems odd to me as I read all these comments....like, how is this shocking to anyone? Isn't this common knowledge? Folks believe in freakin aliens hitchiking on our souls and make you pay to be a part of their church, why would anything beyond that be in the slightest bit surprising? I was all puzzled, but then I remembered that not everyone had the good luck to be raised by someone who warned them against psychotic cults.
    Thank you mommy.

  32. Projectile vomit? Have you not seen 'The Exorcist'? Now it makes some sense. I will no longer regard it as over-rated out-dated shite but as a masterpiece of allegory and metaphor.

  33. smooches right back at ye!
    Youa re a tough woman, you can handle payback, which happens to be a two way street ;)

  34. I can't think of anything original to say apart from agreeing with every other comment posted here. The cult isn't big over here, so your revelations about its activities are shocking. *shudders*

    Good on you, FN, for sticking the finger to them all - we're damn proud of you!