Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Release Badger: Escape! the Getaway Made is Secret

In the interests of dispelling ignorance I have prepared this modest offering. I hope you find it enlightening.

You may not have wanted to know that. You do now. Ha!
Humans, in their earlier history, weren't real particular about how far from camp they threw their garbage, took a dump, or dragged their less-honored dead. They did not have to be, because a variety of scavengers (including themselves when times were thin) took care of the final disposal problem for them. Canids were among this crowd.
We don't digest all the protein we take in, and dogs (like most scavengers) aren't real picky about where they get theirs. Anyone who owns a dog and an indoor cat has noted- or should have by now, ew- the attraction Sparky has for the cat pan. Same reason-cats digest even less protein than humans. Do. Ahem.
Nature is beautiful.
Over time dogs became habituated to our presence. Being the largest scavenger they got the biggest portion, and because of their proximity and their human-rich diet choices, they began to take on our smell. Being pack animals, scavengers and omnivores like us, they were able to form partnerships with us because some of the behavioral psychology is so similar.
The clincher? Dog is tasty. Plus it doesnt give you kourou* the way chowing down on dear departed Aunt Patricia does. Even if the last thing doggy ate WAS dear departed Aunt Patricia.
Not that I would know personally, but Lewis and Clark speak highly of it. Dog, I mean.

2. Small passenger helicopters are deathtraps.
Years ago we lived near a business that used to scrap the wrecks of small passenger helicopters. Theres good money in that, apparently. Any of the components that remain unbroken can be resold (which in many instances is SO INCREDIBLY ILLEGAL), and the wrecked parts can be stripped and sold for BUX on the scrap market.
That is because the main body of some of those things is made of aluminium honeycomb.
Here is a crappy diagram:
'I' represents sheet aluminium. 'X' represents a honeycomb filling the space between, theoretically stiffening it while keeping the overall weight down, made of aluminum so lightweight it resembles foil tissue. You can press your finger into it like buttercream frosting and write 'This stuff is shit' in cursive letters about four inches high. Well you can.
The sheet used to form the inner and outer wall of this stuff is the same thickness as the aluminium used in making a popcan, if not slightly thinner. My gradeschool-aged daughter could tear it easily. It's like tearing light card stock.
This 'aluminium sandwich' is used to form all the outer walls of the helicopter's body.
Now, in it's final, intact shape the helicopter body is (again, in theory) pretty strong, owing to it's being all ovals in cross section. We all did the 'stacking bricks on top of eggs' experiment in school, right? It's a strong shape. And it's reinforced inside with drilled i-beam struts, too...also a strong shape, and lightweight.
Until you punch it.
Now, not a man punch. We're talking a lady punch with a t-shirt wrapped around the fist. And we aren't talking about a section thats already been wrecked, either....we're talking about a new section still on the flatbed where we really didn't have any business snooping around punching things.
Crumples like a styrofoam cup.
Let me hasten to add that nothing, no conveyance yet invented, mangles a human body quite as completely,
or as inextricably,

as a small passenger helicopter made of aluminium honeycomb.
Avoid small passenger helicopters.

3. The big secret of the Masonic Lodge is that God's name is Yahweh.
I suppose this could come in pretty handy if you wanted to send God a Christmas card; you wouldnt' have to write 'Hoping you have a Great Christmas and a very happy New Year, God dude' which could be construed as impertinent, depending on Gods mood at the moment. Although you got to figure, God's omniscient, right? So God would know already that it's not like you were trying to be a smartass. Although God is God so if God wanted to fry your ass with a lightning bolt for that God could, and what are you gonna do about it, you know? I mean, God could.
If he wanted to. Which he might not, but he could.
It's deep.

*the human version of Mad Cow Disease.


  1. Anonymous8:26 PM

    Hate to tell you this, but the vast majority of aircraft is made with honeycomb core. And not even aluminum (which is retarded, it'd never pass flammability tests), but with kinda cardboardish honeycomb, preimpregnated with a bonding resin, and usually sandwiched between two wafer-thin pieces of tedlar (look it up). So uh...yeah. Don't fly if the helicopters freak you out.

    ps YAY I am first.

  2. Why do some dogs eat "jobbies" and others not?

    Kourou can be avoided if you don't eat the brains. Probably why you don't see many Zombies about these days.

  3. neur: you remember this place. i doubt they were scrapping out code aircraft..probably ones from the sixties. i remember shooing you away from the one 'icky' wreck. thats round about the time they put up the chainlink. ahem.
    frobi. thank you, i'll bear that in mind. avoid the brains. avoid the brains. good.

  4. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  5. poop. i thought i posted a comment, but i didn't. stupid blogger.

    Very interesting information here today. Even the zombie thing from Frobisher: Good point.

    I copied and forwarded the bit about the helecopters to my father. he is thinking about getting his "ultra-light aircraft" pilot's license and i think this might deter him. At least i hope, because really, i'm not excited about him flying around in an aluminum soda can.

  6. Aw, but the brains are the best paaa-aarrt!

    In the event that I ever get back to Hawaii, I'm still going to go on one of those helicopter flights over Kilauea. Because, really, if you're being dropped from a great height into a volcano? Honeycomb aliminum is the least of your worries.

  7. well thanx I really feel I have learned something today :o)- more than I strictly needed to know but nevertheless very eh interesting and I'll remember the bit about the brains too

  8. This explains why the dogs in my house have a favourite canned food , its really cheap and it smells like shite (I know this as I have to now wash the damn tins out to put in the recycling bin) , if you buy them the nice expensive food that would look good in a pie , they wont touch it (well lloyd will , but if sat in lloyds dish I would be a gonna)

  9. claire: neurotica is the one you want for the real 411 on aircraft. she builds them. she also tests the materials for flammability...meaning she gets PAID TO SET SHIT ON FIRE. *sigh* dream job.
    danator: good point. it'd be quick, yet spectacular. like the worlds largest fly meeting the worlds largest zapper. ZATCHOW! CRACKK! FOOMF! blub, sizzle.
    ziggi: education is the raison d etre of the 'Paul' phenomenon. i'd link you to the post where i measure the distance from the center of my sternum to my * but i dont know how. anyway it was 17 inches.
    beast: does Lloyd ever...frighten you? just hearing about him makes me want to put mine outside.

  10. ...woops, sorry there, ziggi...the accurate measurement is 14 inches.

    that is all.

  11. Anonymous11:32 AM

    i think i just fell in love with my dogs all over again.

    and i've never had a burning desire to step into a helicopter... now i know why. thank you!

    Yaweah is the Masonic term for God? No way. or way. either way, it's way interesting. way to enlighten *and* entertain, girlfriend! xox

  12. Yahweh? Well I knew that already. So much for becoming a Mason. Pah.

    I thought the Masons referred to 'The Architect of the Universe'? Hmm... I'll have to ask my cousin's chap, he's a Mason apparently.

  13. What is it with masons , one rolled up trouser leg ,1 nipple showing an apron and a trowel.....oooops did I just reveal something I shouldnt.

    FN Lloyd is a cuddly little brute , its Alfie who would rip your arm off if he doesnt like you , but he loves his big old Beasty....luckily

  14. neva: and in my mind the three are obviously related somehow.
    billy: if he tells you he'll have to kill you. bewaaaaaaaaaaare. actually i made that up.
    or did i?
    beast: thats what i looked like after the prom. hey, maybe i'm a mason now!

  15. crap...I have two birds (tiny loghtblue little budgies...did you know they can go once every minute? Now that is a whole lot of crap for me to clean up three times a week.
    Just sayin´.

    Now I also know why God doesnæt speak to me, I never sent him a Christmas card! i wish I´d known!
    Hope you are having a lovely Thursday!

  16. Hehe. My cat doesn't eat his poop. My cat will eat your brains for cheese though... No kid.
    Talking of which, maybe if you sauteed the brain then the icky MacDonald's Disease would be deaded.
    Just a thought.

  17. minka: see? now you can!
    noshit: nope. its caused by a prion, not a germ or a virus. heat just pisses it off.