Thursday, September 28, 2006

no nuts. make the nuts go away. bad nuts.

This morning I was brought straight up in bed by the sound of my next-door neibor, standing in her back yard, screaming in inarticulate rage.
At first I thought it was kids out on the sidewalk. Or maybe something over at the construction site. Nope, there it was again. AAAAGGHRAGGHH! RRRRAAAGH! AAAAAAAAAGH!RRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAGHRRR!


I peeked out my curtains just as she cut loose with another RRRRAAAGGH!
After a few more RRRRAAAAAGHS she began a screaming Jeremiad aimed at something or someone who had RUINED HER MORNING! And she hoped that THEY WERE HAPPY! WERE THEY? WERE THEY? RRRRRRRAAAAAGH!
Then there were a few more screams; just regular aaaaaa type ones.
"Good gravy marie; could she mean the Harley?" I wondered. The Yummy Biker had taken off for work shortly before this started.
"...the man doesn't rip throttle or sit there and gun it like a jackass anyway so I'd be surprised if just n" I HOPE YOU FRGN FMJRFY SYRFG NTLL! AAAAAAGH RAGH ECHVER FENCHIN GRRRRR!
Ok, then.
And so it continued, for about half an hour.
From the way it sounded you could tell she had started walking around the house, ranting at the top of her lungs. And you know, I felt good about that. Let the people in the apartments get a taste of what I go through for a change. Share the fuckin' love.
At 7:00 a.m.

Why is this difficult?
Take the screaming nut to the damn mental health clinic, please?
I mean, goddammit, people. Do something. You obviously have enough cash lying around to keep her packed up to the adenoids full of Oreos; at least go next door to those apartments and buy the poor thing some heroin. She seems upset.

Do you know how good a gated community looks right now?
The older I get the more I find myself fantasizing about living someplace where everybody has a nice yard and a nice house and there are NO ROAMING NUTS. 'Elitist' be damned. I am sick up to the tits with this. I really, really am.

So I went to the cop shop and spoke with the nice policeman. I did't make a complaint, I just asked him, as a person whose job it is to deal with extreme things, what I should do. Apparently there is nothing to do unless a move is made towards us or our property. I should probably not show up on their front step and ask them to ride herd on their nut.
Fine; fair enough. It's only noise. I want to get along here. One random screaming nut is better than three pissed-off, focused nuts, after all. I have to live next door to them.
But dammit, I am so beyond tired of this.
Please get the woman some goddamn help.
And a bra.


  1. My friend's parents live in a gated community in Lynden, Washington and they have had lobotomies. Don't do it.

  2. Do you live next door to us FN , you just described Mr C (including the need for a bra - horror of horrors , man boobs alert)

  3. Ah yes, the screaming crazy person. i have some small experience with this phenomenon. I recommend a flying brick to the back of the head when no one's looking. You can leave the body on that there mountain of yours. Sorted.

  4. FN, can you stop being nasty about my mother? Please? She really does enjoy living next door to you, watching you go about your business, watching you do your business, doing her business in your bathtub when you're out.

    It's just, sometimes it all gets a little too much for her. But she's a lot better now that we can get her meds in strawberry shortcake flavour. Seriously, she hasn't hospitalised anyone this year. Well, not intensive care, at least.

    And nobody really likes poodles, do they?

  5. I'm with CB on this one. Killing her is the only answer. Either that or you ould spike a whole load of chocolate with sleeping tablets, leave them on her front step and just hope she doesn't snore too loud.

  6. Anonymous7:46 AM

    Do you have environmental health over there?
    Failing that, a large dose of sedatives in her milk. You could inject it through the foil top with a syringe.
    Do you have milk deliveries?

  7. "One random screaming nut is better than three pissed-off, focused nuts,"

    Is that some kind of Washingtonian proverb? It's brilliant and will probably become part of my repetoire.

  8. FN, as much as I feel your pain and your aggravation, I have to say that it was just your neighbor's turn to have a bad morning. Ok, too early, but it was her turn. When my kids were teenagers, we had some doozies and my poor neighbors just acted like they never heard anything. But they've had their loud and aggravating fights too, and I just acted like I never heard anything. Besides, gated communities are worse because your significant other cannot change the oil in front of your "unit."

  9. There are ways of dealing with such individuals. I would be glad to offer my services, once my current "assignment" is complete.

  10. Dammit, FN, I told you not to post any pictures of me!

  11. mj: yeah, but i bet they're quiet now. and drooly.
    beast: i wish i lived next door to you. i'd steal gravel out of your garden and peg her with it.
    cb: i bet you can huck a brick like babe ruth, darlin'. come over and do the dirty work, wouldja?
    tim: please ride herd on your mother. i am running out of poodles. my tub needs resurfacing. SHE NEEDS A BATH. and a bra.
    hendrix: fine; death it is. you dig the hole. no fair backhoe.
    realdoc: i dont think her problem is tent caterpillars. do you mean mental health assistance? lots and lots. and no milk deliveries; this is the middle of dairy country so they assume we dont need it.
    claire: if it isnt it damn well should be after what ive put up with in this state!
    carmentza: i wish. no, this chick is actually certafiable. the whole family is off and well known down at the cop shop. usually she stands under their apple tree and yells up at it, but this time was absolutely over the top demented rage. eek!
    witsie: accepted. i will be expecting a bid and your prospectus in the post. you shall, of course, provide your own weaponry.
    danator: quit yelling in your yard at 7:00 am and maybe ill take it down. until then, pbbbbbbbbbfttb!

  12. Psst... FN - do you have an email addy? I'd like to respond to you privately about one of your comments on my blog. You can send it to me at, if you like. And then destroy this message. And possibly eat it and burn it. In whichever order you choose.


  13. Sorry about mom. I guess I'll be by to get her.

  14. Oh bugger, such screaming would scare teh living daylights out of me. Canæt you cinstruct a sling and fire at her from behind a tree. Condition her into a scream results in a painful stone hitting you full force...
    Measures need to be taken!

  15. Its ok now FN has discovered the wonders of the life enhancing health filled 'Shirt Lifting Shandy' , all this agro will just fade away.
    Go on FN you know you want one , but its gotta be a good British bitter , not your horrible american foamy beer - yack

  16. doug: just hit her with a tranquilizer dart; i'm not demanding.
    minka:oooo, pavlovian. i like the way you think, pengie!
    beast: no, see, i tend to avoid beverages named for anal sex acts.

  17. Heh. Maybe you could do the same. But at three am when she's trying to sleep off th' MacDonalds...

  18. Oh FN, that sounds like a good way to get my kids out of bed in the mornings. Heaven knows their alarm clocks don't wake them up anymore. Please send the Screaming Whacko this way.

  19. Sneak into her house when she is out (prob shouting at your back window) and stuff a nice small Brie cheese behind the radiator. Come the winter she'll have alot to scream about - but at least in her own house as she'll be wondering where the hell that godamm awful smell is coming from!