Thursday, October 05, 2006

SON OF UPDATE!: free BlogHeat Action free click here NOW

There's a REASON I don't show you a picture of what I've got at home.

It's the same reason I sit on the front porch and shoot at passing cars. It's because when you have GOOD STUFF you don't advertise it around like a dipshit because then people will be all ''Oooo, lets break in and STEAL it!" And then those people would have to die and I don't need that all over my front lawn because it's already hard enough to mow as it is.

I know that this has been dissappointing for many people worldwide.
Here is something to take your mind off your petty meaningless whining. Think of it as a kind of Amazon Books 'Bestsellers' but with no books.
Supplies are limited.
Act now.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Hot Hot Men and one Woman of Blogworld!

James Bluecat....Taken postmodern urban techno heat. The definition of 'bisho boy' has his avatar next to it. Really. It's in Wikipedia.
.......well, it should be.

Frobisher...They call this lefty rebel 'Mt. Everest', and he's sure to infest the coal-blackened Victorian slum of your soul with the pasturella pestis of love. Long, lean and dangerous; bad, mad and dangerous to know. Somebody buy this man a Harley!

Beast...Something about his communications leads me to believe he has that irresistable British 'Borstal Graduate' sneering thing going on. And the words 'toy' and 'standard' tattooed on his knuckles. I don't know what I mean by that.

Hardhouse....We used to call boys like this 'fast.' By day a student, by night a Werewolf of London. Ask him where the best Chinese is because baby, HE KNOWS.

The Champ....He has the looks, he has the hair, he has the body mass, and all of it spells BEAR. A perfect toy for a frisky cougar!
You do know what that is, right? Ok.

Tom 909...Virtual reality rural counterculture heat. 100% pesticide free! Go ahead and have a glass. You'll be shaken AND stirred.

mrcunttours...He'll launch a Molotov cocktail onto the virtual porchstep of your heart. Rocking the Bad Boy heat, he's a hormone driven midnight marauder searching for a bitch to pack. (that probably sounds way dirtier than what it actually means, unless I'm lying.)

Piggy*... This member of the 'Suidae' family is the ultimate thrill ride. For a small extra consideration, he'll provide a video of your adventure too!
Tazzy*....Profusely illustrated Tazzy is the reason they invented 'Tribal' style. Tastes just like Piggy.
* only available as set

Fukkit....Gone but not forgotten, Fukkit is the very epitome of delicious dykiness and blends in well with nearly any decor! Recently shipped to Australia in chains for stealing a loaf of bread.

Wyndham.... He has that 'doomed British pilot from a WW2 movie, just-one-last-sweet-interlude-before-I- go- my-darling' thing all happening. I feel confident in describing his look as 'Wahoo Serious with better hair'.

Tim Footman....GOD, the children. See him there, sipping a glass of warm gin under an umbrella whilst observing the battle from the walls of the city...hint of a sardonic smile faintly playing across his features....ripped on opium....

Glitter.....A radio tower in his background, a whole lotta love in the foreground. Trust me when I tell you that you need to unfasten his stockings with your teeth RIGHT NOW. Rocky? Ugh!

SID...Bog hoppin' , shorts wearin' peat heat. You SO know he does that sexy Irish thing where he pronounces the word 'Fuck' as 'fook'.

DavetheF....Swings with the 'distracted intellectual in nothing but a poorly fastened bathrobe, drinking a cup of coffee and staring out the french doors into the morning fog' brand of allure. Kind of like a CK ad. Only you don't have to guess what it's about.

BobSwipe...Unattainable, world weary, Jack Keroac-in-a-thong sexy. Make sure you reserve a table for two in the very back room. A table with a loooooooong tablecloth.

Doug....The kind of charming intellectual guy you take home to momma, and she steals. And he lets her. And then he call you up and apologizes and asks you out again and you actually consider it.

(cue C+C Music Factory )
/Martha Wash/ "EVRAH BUDDY DANCE NOW!" *bump! bump! bump-bummmpbump bump! bummmpbump bump*
(cue lasers and fog)
The man works in a steel mill. I don't think I need to draw you a picture.
(release soapsuds)

Billy: "Oh my, do you mean to tell me I've been running around like this all day? Well, would you come help me zip it up? Yes, the coatroom is probably best; we dont want the whole world seeing, do we? Oh! careful, that tickled. Goodness, I thinks it's good and stuck. Looks like I'll have to take them off. Will you help me? Oh! Did I hear the teacher come in? Sh! There, thats all right, I doon't mind if you hug me, I was startled hair smells nice...." aaaand he's taken.

Treespotter... That brown bowler shades a secret so hot that bottles of amyl nitrate spontaneously combust when he walks by. By day a mystery, by night a roving tomcat with sin on his breath and a pirates glint in his eye. He's the reason your topiary is dying. He's the reason you leave the window open just a bit at night.

Ok? Happy? You can stop it with the emails already guys, I did it. Leave me alone.


  1. i actually have feck and Knob tatooed on my knuckles , sob... it reminds me of my great aunt phoebe.

  2. I knew it had to be something like that. There, there.
    on the up side, boy; you're really gonna get some play now, huh??!!

  3. I had Tit tattooed on the knuckles of my left hand. It was only after I'd finished having the last 't' done I realised I'd miscounted.

  4. Sort of like "The Wild Bunch" of the blogs? Love this.

  5. Anonymous12:19 PM

    In Swansea it's the Golden Pheonix in Bournemouth I'd say Fiveways and in Weymouth I'd have to go with Po Sun.

    Me eyebrows do meet in the middle


  6. I don't know what-all prompted that, but I think it turned me heterosexual.

  7. tick: d'oh!
    see, you stuck your hat up above the trench and now you're gonna get the treatment too. tit, eh???
    g: wild doesn't even begin to describe the feral allure of the HOT HOT MEN AND ONE WOMAN OF BLOGWORLD.
    yes, thats what that smell is.
    hardhouse: when I saw that Chinese menu in your hand, I just KNEW.
    danator: nonononono. *applies cold packs* you lie down 'til it goes away. don't you dare let all that adorable back home go to waste!

  8. I'm the Graduate?

    You're hysterical, First Nations.

  9. Anonymous2:31 PM

    hilarious post, per usual. and right on the money, i suspect, where that Dawg is concerned. xoxo

    Tickersoid: i'm thinkin "tat" would look nice on the right...

    (okay, do you hate me because i still owe you that *ahem* email? i... um... er... got distracted? left town? got sick? forgot? ...actually, i AM working on it, of course, by the time you get it, the info will be completely irrelevant, but at least you'll have it and won't still think i do nothing but tell lies from the pits of hell!!)

  10. So you got me weighed up there you smart injun gal. Compost and Bullshit is pretty much my scene.

  11. FN, you so are so meant to write " the lawn is hard to mow as it is!" :)
    *lying on the floor with stomahc cramps and I blame you!

  12. Okay I just reread that last little bit of dialogue of Billy's and that is effin priceless.

  13. doug: thats what i figured you looked like, anyway. dont ask me why. probably your aftershave.
    neva: take your time. i know the heat down there can be enervating.
    tom: you speak my language! black gold forever!
    minka: we're even. you grabbing your boobs in the shoe store made me laugh out loud!
    g: i dunno, i just picture him in a school uniform for some reason. or in this case partially out of one. in any case its better than the leopard print spandex bodysuit.

  14. Hehe. I was getting all sad because I thought you'd left me out, but then I re-read the top. Heh.
    I'll take the lots 'Beast' and 'Frobisher' for $6.
    It's all I have... I had to sell my Grandmother.

  15. I don't like gin. Over opium I shall draw a discreet veil.

  16. Have you been eavesdropping on me?

  17. You know, if you're going to bring in cupcakes you should bring enough for the whole class.

    *runs away*

  18. Rockmother - smells like teen spirit

  19. not sure why I wrote that - I think I'm a bit tipsy!

  20. Your so fookin right!

  21. noshit: next time put her out on the corner where she'll bring a better price. thats what i do.
    tim: only six more to go, then. *heats up knife over candle*
    billy: yes. go stand with your nose in the corner!
    claire: and they're aaaaaaall chocolate, too! wif SPRINKLES.
    rocky: thirteen! woofwoofwoofwoof!
    sid: dont DO that! *swoons*

  22. everytime SID says fooking , you can hear the twanging of knicker elastic...... shocking I call it

  23. Anonymous8:08 AM


  24. Ooh, ooh! DO ME, DO ME!!

    (that probably sounds way dirtier than what it actually means, unless I'm lying.)

  25. why is it that whenever people do these sort of list, i'm always left out? always??

    should i just stop blogging??

    is that what you want??


  26. beast: sneer for me baby.
    cb: oh, i will. i prooooomise. (which also sounds way dirtier than I..yeah.)
    trees: an honest mistake. I will update posthaste!

  27. i was going to jump around and do my rain/moon dance but i'm afraid it wouldn't go well with the image you're portraying there.

    i shall remain seated. it makes me more enigmatic.

    *checking windows*

  28. and oh, since Tim's not drinking the gin, i'll be happy to finish it off for him.

  29. You truly have summed up the essence of Billy. Kudos.