Monday, October 09, 2006

Quaint vignettes from my charming rural idyll

Looking ESE, we see a typical fall morning here at rancho FirstNations. The sky is a perfect, rainwashed blue and the leaves are just beginning to change from green to gold and red, to bronze and flame yellow.
Yes, there's something in the air...something unmistakeable that says 'autumn'...something which enhances the morning haze and tints the dew sparkling on the grass...

Lo! In the distance! Sprayed at sandblasting velocity by hydraulic cannons, a green geyser of liquid faeces! And bourne northward upon the dawn winds the parmesan-pig-assfinger stench of same!


Below: This is my favorite rosebush. All that remains in bloom are the wands which have crept in through the lattice to shelter under our front porch roof. But these bloom like mad things! And they'll stay in bloom until after Christmas, too, if the past is anything to go by.

I'm given to understand that this is a native chinese multiflora, one commonly used for rootstock on the floribunda roses from the 'Sixties. There must have been a huge fad for floribundas at one time, judging from the number of these chinensis I see around older homes in the area. The top stock have long since died off, between the damp and the native mildews, but the hardy crowns survived to push up canes.
I started this one from cuttings about seven years ago, when it was a twig with four leaves. WORSHIP MY ROSE BUSH! WORSHIP MY MIND BOGGLING ABILITY TO MAKE PLANTS GROW! MUAHAHAHAHA!


First frost this morning. You can look out onto my back yard and see it glistening on the playing field. Lets see if I can get an evocative shot here...

Note that the frost abruptly stops five feet from my property line? This is
1. Because of the powerful Protect -O - Rays which shoot out of my eyes.
2. Actually it's because the drain field ends right about there.
3. No, ha ha! It's because the city mowed that strip a few days ago and the cuttings are still giving off just enough heat to foil the formation of frost. Unless I am lying.
No, I'm not. If it was because of the drain field you'd see wisps of delicately scented fog rising.


The more things change, the more they stay the same. Gosh, ain't it the truth.
I am sick again. The Playboy of the Western World is in the hospital again. The Yummy Biker is convinced we are street begging, rat eating, 'Please kind sir I beg you do not turn my tiny ones out into the snow' poor again. This latter is caused merely by the beginning of September* and NOTHING AT ALL which resides in the realm of fact. The other two? I have no fucking idea. Regular as fricken clockwork, though, all three of them.

As far as my present overactive boogery state goes, I think what happens is all the kids go back to school and all the new germs they've accumulated over the summer get together and party and mutate into some kind of plague that is ready to infest my respiratory system right about October. And it has. *Snoooork*

The Playboy of the Western World crashed and burned in the lobby of the Leopold a couple days ago while he was bending over to get a newspaper. He missed, kept going, shot through the frame of his walker, hit the wall at 135mph and continued on into the crowd, killing 10 and injuring countless others.
I am getting tired of this. Not as tired as he is, I imagine.
Anyway he'll be fine; he's just bruised. The staff at St. Josephs ADORE him. The fan club is already sneaking in young guys, chocolate and dirty get well cards.

Ha' yew?

*Thats all it takes. Boom. Check the watch? five...four...three...tho...aaaaand we're poor. Every single goddamn year for the past 20.


  1. First Post! Maybe I should write out some stand up material for you and yours to adore. By the way, what were all of the empty bottles doing on your windowsill? It appears that there is more to the story than you would have us believe...

  2. Hoping the playboy makes a speedy recovery.

    That plaguey mutated germ thing you mentioned? That's exactly what causes it. Knock back the vitamin C like its going out of fashion Alternatively you could insist that all the children in your town are thoroughly disinfected before they get within a 50 yard radius of you or your family.

  3. Champ: I've been doing a lot of canning recently. those are the Pickled Punks.
    hendrix: yes, i'd like to boil them all (see above)

  4. The pics are great , sory to here you and the playboy are laid up again , I agree with you about the vile children , they take a perfectly harmles cold and boil it up into something vile and pass it right on, our office gets like a plague pit right about now , luckily I have a week off.
    I am always poor :-(

  5. oi FN we have upset the champ.....I fear fighting point retribution

  6. Maybe we should introduce the YB to Scissors and they can commiserate on the level of squalor we are bound for.

    Speedy recovery to you and yours. Snot nosed kids, they'll get you every time.

  7. Are you actually poor, or is YB merely convinced that you are poor. If the latter, does it have anything to do with the upcoming holiday season? Is he setting a stage for not spending??? (Me, I'm always looking for a good conspiracy theory).

  8. beast: thanks. I'm doing somewhat better and the Playboy is out of the hospital to roam at large once again TOMORROW! YAY!
    G: omg,yours does that too? thats just not fair. yes, we will be living under an overpass in an appliance box by, oh, january. sigh.
    kristy: no...i think its an atavistic white person, german viking thing. as soon as they see the leaves turning they get this primal urge to go kill the irish and steal all their stuff.

  9. This made me recall when I was a teen...

    I used to go outside and collect azaleas that my father grew and place them in my hair.

    When I had left home and went to college, my father would send me flowers and write..."To see these in your hair is missed."

    Dang I miss my daddy...but oh the memories.

  10. So that was why I was burgled twice when I lived in Galway. Vikings.

  11. Sorry to hear that the germs have invaded your space. We know that feeling around these here parts too well. Get better soon FN

  12. Anonymous6:52 AM

    HEY NOW!
    I am made of the hardiest, palest, blondest, sturdiest Viking stock and I do not ONCE bitch about how poor I am every year. Not like Papa does, anyhoo.
    I mean, I get the urge to plunder and pillage when the leaves start dropping, but that is why I have Dom. Which doesn't even make sense, because he is Lithuanian, not Irish.

    Maybe it's because EJ is a prick and did that every year when Pa was a lil 'un, eh? And then R would drink herself into a stupor? That combination surely equaled HAPPY HOLIDAYS!...but not really.
    That's always been my theory.

  13. awaiting: thats so great! what a cool memory to have. azaleas in the fall is a beautiful memory to have too...they're a spring blossom here. ill say it again; you are so lucky!
    ara: yup. i think we have your television, still. say what you want, hes a marvellous provider.
    pam: your daughter has been in my thoughts. how is she doing? is she ok? make sure she takes all the anti inflammatories because thats what will make her better. voice of experience!
    neur: you are 1/4 NA. thats why instead of pillaging in the fall you pick up your net mending gear, slip into your tavern jacket and start knocking down the Buckhorn.
    that should go over well at work! esp the tavern jacket! you should wear it more.

  14. so you weren't kidding about that geyser of shit, were you.
    i think that's been going on for far too long over there.

  15. Do you have a pipe that needs attention hanging off the back ofyour house?

    LOVILY views btw!

  16. I hope by this late in the comments you and yours are all well and wealthy.

    Your rose bush is awesome.

    The way I'm feeling right now, I would prefer being in a field than here - liquid poo or no liquid poo.

  17. Maybe we could make a complex - which overpass are you heading for?

  18. I worship your rose bush and your ability to make things grow. If I knew how to post pictures (we can all pray for some day) I would show you my amazing roses that continue to bloom as autumn arrives in her glory in Massachusetts. Trust that you must worship me and Worship away.
    Feel better.

  19. claire: i would NEVER joke about a geyser of liquid poo. if you were downwind you wouldn't either.
    hardhouse: oh ho de ho! har de har!

    um, don't tell the city, 'k?
    danator: we is, we are, still coughing up...substances, but feeling better. didja get my email?
    g: that would be cool! we could duct tape some appliance boxes together and insulate them with bubblewrap! and eat road kill! dibs on the
    mutha: i'll stop by and give you a tutorial. muchas smoochas!