Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Blue Mole Misery Of Entrail Kikaido!

The weather gods have seen fit to remove the vile, vile frozen vileness and return something approaching normalcy to my little slice o' heaven. Which means rain, floods, high winds, falling trees, power outages and death dealing, cartwheeling, jagged sheets of corrugated barn roof flying past.
But no snow!!!!

This week I discovered that I have a WAY BETTER car stereo than I thought I did.

Monday, I left early and was driving through Lynden on my way to go pick up the Goonybird. I had the radio on, something of a novelty for me because I really don't need the distraction. That and if a good song comes on it makes me drive faster and I don't need any more speeding tickets either. But the Yummy Biker had left it on turned to his classic rock station, and they were playing 'Queen', and so, you know.
When I heard the first bars of 'Bohemian Rhapsody' play I reached over and beeped the volume control a couple times. The speakers didn't distort or anything, so I beeped it a couple more times and that was pretty good too. I gave it a good 'shave and a haircut, two bits!' and yup, still clear as a bell!
So then I sort of kept my finger on it for a couple of seconds and the volume went up REALLY REALLY LOUD.
I mean DAMN.
The rearview mirror was actually vibrating along with the bass notes. The metal grille off the drivers side speaker popped out.
Me and Freddie Mercury were well into 'gotta MOUCHE gotta MOUCHE can you do the fan DAN go?' at the light on Benson and Grover when I noticed all the kids at the bus stop staring. I think the side panels must have actually been fluttering at this point. I keep a lot of change in the ashtray but it sounded like a great big 'ol vibrator on the 'Xaviera' setting buzzing away in there.
I have never had a really good car stereo in my life.
I was feeling COOL.

Despite having a city budget that allows for things like providing detailed, fitted Dutch costumes for all the employees of all the businesses along Front street, the streets in Lynbden were covered in ice and slush about seven inches deep.
Perfect roostertail conditions.
So I hit the side streets and did a little painting.
For those of you who had parents who actually gave a fuck, 'painting' means you select a suitable medium, in this case filthy, icy slush full of gravel, and apply it to your ground, in this case maybe possibly the fronts of some houses. And some cars. Now what I might actually have been doing was simply gunning the engine in order to avoid being stuck, and should that have happened to kick up a little bit of a roostertail or maybe even quite a sizeable roostertail, maybe like a tsunami kind of a thing actually, well, blame that on the city of Lynden. Lax bastards.
Amped on vandalism, I went down (sideways) to the Dairy Queen and grabbed a couple of burgers. As I waited in the drivethru I noticed that the parking lot of the nearby Fairway Center grocery store was nearly abandoned and was also covered in beautiful brown heaps of slush.

When the accident involving a double trailer semi truck and the Land Rover occurred I missed the whole thing. I sure as fuck had no chance of hearing it because me and Jimmy Page were singing 'Valhalla' at the time. I was also going in rapid circles, or maybe sideways. I recall being more concerned with trying not to hit any light poles. My view was further obscured by grease, ketchup and splattered tomato fragments. This happened when I had the wheel cranked over hard with one hand and was kind of gesturing operatically with the burger in the other and slapped it into the passengers side window.
Because you have to gesture right there at that 'HA!' part. Only not with a hamburger. And probably not going in circles in a tiny underinsured car in an icy parking lot with the radio cranked so loud it was making Baby Jesus cry.

And maybe not with two sherrifs' cars parked out on the main road.

When the revolutions slowed I finally noticed the wreck. A nasty one. Someone had come around the corner of Kok Road and run their Land Rover under the rear end of a semi trailer carrying a metal cargo container. The entire front of the 'Rover was peeled back to the windsheild. I mean, this thing was BAD FUCKED.

As I sat there and goggled at the wreck I noticed the sherrifs get out of their car. Then they turned to each other. Then turned and looked straight at me.

I turned off the stereo.
I drove away.
Slowly. With part of a tomato and a piece of cheese stuck to the passengers side window.


  1. Anonymous10:24 AM


  2. come back and read the final version. theres only a couple of miss selpings in it.
    my fingers are ccccccccccold! bye bye!

  3. Jagged sheets of corrugated barn roof rule!

  4. Anonymous1:57 PM

    You write long posts I actually finish reading - which is a first! The most dangerous thing was eating that McDonalds - or actually it couldn't be McDonals with a tomato - must have been a Burger King!

  5. Anonymous2:45 PM

    LOL! A great read!

  6. I too have been carried away by my car stereo. I have traumatized my children by insisting on keeping a song on once we have reached a destination, getting out of the car, and dancing in the parking lot with the song blaring. Last time this happened, it was Stevie Wonder's "Signed, Sealed, Delivered, I'm Yours." I've never seen a 9 year old and a 6 year old make themselves smaller in a back seat.

  7. Anonymous5:17 PM

    GODDAMNIT I should have taken the stereo out of that car when I gave it to dad.
    If you are good, I will show you how to make it extra extra loud and boomy. Soooo much fun.

  8. We are no strangers to bad wind at Beastbites , see I want snow and slush even more now.

    Nigella Lawsons Christmas kitchen started last night on BBC , she made a 'boiled' xmas cake , that nearly made me heave up my dinner it looked so rich......I GOTTA MAKE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  9. Nigella Lawsons Christmas kitchen

    I just like to sit in a darkened corner and watch.

  10. Anonymous1:39 AM

    ugh. Nigella was on while I was at the gym last night, and i was forced to spend my 50 min on the stairmaster watching it. she really is the little kitchen slut, isn't she?

    (FN, if you don't know Nigella, she's England's answer to Rachel Ray.)

  11. Anonymous3:22 AM

    I agree Nigella is a dirty minx always sticking her fingers in the cake mix.

    Mutley raised an interesting question about the tomato in the McDonalds - they don't have them in the UK! just a bit of plastic gerkin and a dollop of ketchup. Are you sure it wasn't Burger King?

    And why were you eating such crap anyways? Not going to do your diabetes any good is it?

  12. Anonymous3:41 AM

    我认为他们应该做它会使它更加鲜美的中国食物在Mcdonalds! 美味! 我喜欢厨师是她在昨晚的Nigella? 我错过了它我是在日本。无论如何! 我不再有一台汽车收音机, 某人窃取了它。
    I thought they should make it to be able to cause it tastier China food at Mcdonalds! Delicacy! I liked the chef am she in last night Nigella? I have missed its me am in Japan. In any event! I no longer have a car radio, some person has stolen it.

  13. Wayne's World!
    A little Queen, a little Zep, a little spinny in the car, near run in with the FUZZ,...
    all in all an excellent drive down memory lane.

  14. My dear CB, Nigellalalala, is my favorite cullininguous queen, I could just eat her up, please do not compare her to that perky vapid little Rachel (Kelly Ripa clone) Ray!
    Nigella is delicious...mmmm!

  15. billy: not when they embed themselves in, say, your cattle. or your self. kinda lethal!
    muttley: it was from an american chain called Dairy Queen. and it was a very small burger. even smaller after i'd wiped it across the glass.
    persINC: well howdy! and thanks!
    mutha: i so have to get over to your place. good for you for showing class in the parking lot! stevie da bomb!
    ssa: im afraid i'lll melt the glass. oh, ok fine; show me!
    beast: BOILED CAKE????????? stick to frobishers christmas mortar in a pan. now i must go check out this siren of the gas ring!
    knudie: we will let you up on the chairs if you promose not to bark at the commercials.
    cb; oh lordy rachel ray. how can anyone watch the twat? her knife technique makes me cringe in embarrassment. and that nasal...never mind.
    frobi: McPtomaine is not where i choose to purchase my cholesterol. we have a burger chain here called 'Dairy Queen' which produces heaven sent flesh of kine seared by virginal youths over real actual flaming flames of fire. with tomatoes all on. and i'll have you know my diabetes is UNDER CONTROL BABY! clean living.*snerk*
    MTDONG: welcome my blogging! have nigella poisonous in china living when my watch television is on. Buffalo noises to her bitch of cake boilings. Red death to stealers the radio!
    homoE1: it was an easy trip seeing as how it happened three days ago.
    homoE2: it doesnt say much for the smells produced in her own kitchen that rachel ray's husband would rather huff a lesbians' spitty foot.

  16. re: rachel's hubby...DOUGH!
    Yeah what is up with that? It sounds like Rach could use a little help in the Koochina!

  17. Bohemian Rhapsody has got to be one of my all time faves. My husband thinks I'm a weirdo. One of my skanky neighbors had the nerve to ask, "You're not really black are you?" I wanted to POP her in the FACE with my glamourous santa coffee mug!

    Wonder what she would of said had I been blasting some Mambo Italiano?

  18. Oh, btw, that was FABULOUS post, had me laughing so hard my kids joined in!

  19. Too bad you didn't have the headbanging viking kittens in there with you. That would have been even better.

    Also, I love how Queen is classic rock. I love it when High School jocks rock out to We Will Rock You or We Are The Champions, not knowing it is gay as all fuck.

    Also, Nigella is on my list. She can lick my pie tin anytime.


  20. homoE: but maybe theres something about lesbian feet we dont know. and should. i'm only halfway there and I don't know which foot is the lesbian one. they both smell, though. i checked.
    awaiting: you heard it here first, my darlings: listening to FREDDY MERCURY MAKES YOU WHITE.
    smack her with the mug, awaiting. just go do it. no warning. just knock on her door and whammo, santa mug right in the teeth. tell her i sent you.
    danator: I LOVE THE VIKING KITTENS! and also the 'run to the hills' kittens and the fried shrimp in the pirate hat that do the quiznos ad. now TELL ME THE SECRET OF THE LESBIAN FEET!

  21. Wow. I had to go look up the lesbian foot story. I suspect that it had something to do with the particular woman, because if some guy offered to support me financially for spitting on him ever couple months, I'd have money in the bank right now.

    And me with such lovely feet! Both of them lesbian, even!