Monday, December 18, 2006

god bless this article and all who sail in her

I love all of you!
And because I love you so, here; read an uplifting article about lesbian cooterpie.

You gotta scroll. It's way down there VVVV which I suppose is kind of appropriate.

NEW PEOPLE READ THIS: 1. If reading about vaginas, lesbians or my husband's new job (which I never mention) is going to offend you, then you'll probably want to hit that 'next blog' button up there on the extreme upper right hand corner jiffy quick. Congratulations for being an adult, good bye and don't forget your Rice a Roni.
2. If you intend to read on, but then you get all offended because you just read about nasty lady potty parts then you'll probably want to go soak your head in a big ol bucket of cloudy pee with a ham sandwich floating around in it and ask me if I give a fuck.
I don't by the way.
Ok? You have been warned and you're lucky you got that. Really. Ask anyone who regularly visits they'll tell you.

Ok. So this is the first draft of an article I may get published if I muster up the fortitude. Onward.


Take care of your poontang, and your poontang will take care of you.
Now I don't mean to echo the sentiments of big Mama Thornton here, whose'If I can't sell it, I'm gonna sit on it because I aint givin' it away" are words many an enteprenurial dyke has taken to I do mean to impart some basic operating instructions to those of you who might be new to the game. And welcome.

Girls, those of you who have strayed into the boys side of the sockhop have doubtlessly noted that their congratulatory juices smell like chestnut trees in blossom...that, and the last meal they had. Or, the cigarettes/cigars/chewing tobacco/bong last mouthed.

This goes for cooze too, my darlings.

If this suprises you, remember that Sappho noted the same thing centuries ago in her lyric "Just because it has a cute expression on it's face doesn't mean it won't tear off your arm and club you with it."
If you smoke, whatever you smoke, be assured that it will end up making your cooter taste as though you store it in the ashtray of a cab. Just because you yourself detect no smell does not mean that you are the magic exception to the rule; no, this is due to the amazing ability we as humans have to develop an insensitivity to our own fonkay.
For shame. Your sweetiepie should be nicely flavored of freshly showeredness, or at least Wet Wipedness. It should not smell or taste like whats' in that coffee can your Uncle keeps in his truck*. (Unless your partner also smokes/chews/tokes. In that case bust out the Mrs. Butterworths, try not to scare the horses, and skip down to 'Part Deaux: Hair' because neither of you can smell or taste a thing anyway. Which is the first sign of MOUTH CANCER by the way.)

Alcohol is fun and can lead to heavy petting, true, but it does tend to make your snatch smell like you douche with Muscatel.

Onions are to be avoided before a night spent taking turns on the lube rack-and I mean avoid them like you'd avoid Gary Glitters' application for a daycare license. Anything from the allium family, in fact...garlic, ramps, offramps, Dale Evans, her horse, chives, leeks, all that oniony type stuff. Don't. Eat. The. Onion.

And while I'm on the subject of aromas...
Sex, my darlings, jostles the lower torso.
This produces gas.
Farting cannot be avoided.
EXCESSIVE farting can.
Avoid farty foods. Simple.
So simple a caveman could do it.

(By the way, Beano really does work. It is a particular boon to vegetarian carpet munchers everywhere. God bless you, inventor of Beano. Your place in heaven is assured. )

Part Deaux: Hair
If you're picking pinecones out of it after you jog, for the love of God trim your pubic hair back. Likewise if people down at the pool keep calling you 'Buckwheat' and you aren't a little black kid, it's time to dig out the hand mirror and the scissors. Otherwise it's all part of the natural landscape; fun to twirl and tickie.
Face facts. You have a vagina. You cooze. When you get horny you cooze even more. In fact you cooze to a greater or lesser degree all the time; it's our automatic self-cleaning feature; like a Jenn-aire only without that barbecue deal on top with the really loud fan.

This means that you will and do develop dreadlocks, which is why you should always carry one of those travel-sized packets of Wet Wipes. Lifesaver? Oh. My. God. They fit right in the breast pocket of your Carharts with room to spare for the keys to your backhoe. No shit; it can save your entire evening when those unexpected 'away dates' occur. Otherwise, at least have a quick spritz under the bathroom faucet. Be extra stealthy and pat dry with the cuff of your Levi's (do not attempt if you're drunk or you'll end up in the tub. Never mind how I know that.) If no other choice presents itself use her mom's bathrobe. It's right there, see? Hanging behind the bathroom door? Be considerate; use the hem, not the sleeve.

Vigorous sweat-producing activity, like dancing, or skinning elk, will also leave your cooter with an unfortunate resemblance to a Jeri-Curl marinated Michael Jackson back in his 'Thriller' heyday. This is not a face you want to see in any situation but particularly NOT when you haul down some hot chick's drawers. (In fact you probably don't want to see any faces unless you invited company. Faces can indicate an obstetric emergency or the presence of a hithero unsuspected conjoined twin.)

Current fashion would seem to dictate the total eradication of pubic hair. If you feel that the nadir of sexy is to present with the hot body of an adult woman outfitted with the mons of a three year old child you are a sick dog and I do not want to know you; but of course, that is your choice and none of my business you dirty icky potty person.
But let's say you have what you feel are good reasons to keep the trails clear. Maybe you have wacky aborigional handlebar pubies that foof out the sides of your Hanes. Maybe you look as though you are transporting the decapitated head of Gene Shallit. Perhaps you have wandering bush that grows over the river, through the woods, down your thighs, and tickles the tops of your hiking boots.
Or perhaps you know that to occasionally rock the Mr. Bigglesworth look is an assurance of perpetual semi-arousal until the fur comes back in.

That's right.
It is a fact. No I am not lying.

In any case, if you must depilitate, suck it the fuck up and wax. Wax, wax wax.
Why wax?
Because cream depilitories have a tendancy to not stay put. Believe me, if you happen to get even the tiniest particle onto your inner labial regions, or your barking starfish, or GOD FORBID the clitoris, you WILL REMEMBER IT. And you'll have time to recall it in detail because you'll have to soak your ass for a WHOLE WEEK in a Mr. Turtle pool full of icecubes, and that means time off from work, at least in this town.
Shave it? Those first few times- lemme tell you. Setting firmly aside for the moment the psychological sugarplums that putting a MANUAL razor in proximity to your tender parts will inevitably cause to dance in your head, using a blade, even an electric, even with lube, will leave Miss Kitty all red, irritated and bumpy for days afterward. This makes Marshal Dillon cry. It'll make you cry too. IT HURTS. Not in a good way. A burny, salty, bleedy way.
And as if that weren't inconvenient enough, once shaven, those little hairs grow back fast; why, I have no idea. Nature is said to abhor a vaccuum. Ask your mom (she's downstairs doing laundry.) Tell you what, though, in what seems like a matter of hours everything will emerge all at once, SPRONG! in the form of #40 grit sandpaper.
Ok fine. If you 're smoothing Bondo, this might save you some cash. It could even earn you a raise if you use this method in a professional autobody setting. But if you're planning on having sexual relations you're both going to end up with bad razorburn in really inconvenient places.
It should be needless to point out that butt stubble isn't particularly attractive either. It is in fact decidedly grandfatherly in appearance and texture.
The last image your partner wants to have come to mind when she is munching your muffin is kissing her grandpa. And not the nice one, either; the skeezy Parkinsons' one who smells like horehound drops.

If you decide to go for the 'Ami James' look, then, for that first time I suggest you visit a competent salon. Yes, I am asking you to pay money to have a complete stranger daub creepy sticky axlegrease-looking hot crap all over your cringing poontang, slap a page of the Herald on top and then rip the bastards out by the roots in one brief hellish explosion of pain. Why: because it pleases me to imagine it. That, and the fact that it just might possibly be worth it in the end. So to speak.

THE GOOD NEWS: because you chose to wax, you won't see any regrowth of hair for weeks. Why? Because it is AFRAID. When it does return, it will come in fine and soft, not stickery.
THE BAD NEWS: Now you have to wait a few days before resuming sex. Or doing anything besides lying in front of a fan with your legs spread (have one of those Glade Scent-Story things going; this can attract gulls.)
Chances are you ain't gonna feel much like exposing your nethers to the public anyway, nethers which are asking you 'Why? Was I bad??' in a trembly little voice and will be for at least a day or so.
Trust me, your patience will pay off ; and I mean pay off like a Bally slot firing ice-cold Sacagawea dollars into the ostomy region of a septugenarian- pay off. What was once a weedy pasture full of discarded farm machinery is now pouty, bouncy, breezy-bare and almost supernaturally sensitive!
Don't believe it? Sit over the motor next time you ride Transit and just see if I'm not right.
Don't blame me if you miss your stop.


  1. I am all about choosing my seat wisely on public transit.

  2. *giggle*
    Go you!
    And yes, I do want to hear what you have to say you dafty. Otherwise, would I read this slightly obsessively?

  3. Anonymous12:33 AM

    Most educational, but as with most things I have learnt in this life, I doubt whether I will be able to put it to much use.

  4. Anonymous1:10 AM

    Wise words indeed, I will now experiment by taking note of the food I eat and ingesting my jizz to see what taste it has, ah the things I do for a blog post.

  5. See, we told you to write the articles! Brilliant!!! more please...

  6. I want one. They sound fun.

    And the word verification, spookily enough, is vaqfimt, which is the word for it in Hungarian.

  7. Anonymous2:39 AM

    your writing makes baby Jesus laugh.

    and thank you for agreeing with me on the whole bald pussy thing. i've been saying for YEARS that it's creepy to make women make their crotches look like pre-adolescent girls, but no one believes me!!! Thank you thank you thank you.

  8. Anonymous6:45 AM

    I agree with both of you and shaved man parts are even worse , they look like some shocking turkey parsons nose thing.

    I was attepmting to eat a smoked salmon sandwich for me lunch , but unfortunatley the texture and aroma matched with your prose and I almost honked on me keyboard.

    Go GO Go FN I hope it gets published

  9. BWAAA! I think it's a brilliant piece (of WORK) and I would certainly publish it. Awesome.

    Also, what Chaucer's Bitch said about a grown woman's cooter should not look like a little girl's, that is just creepy. Totally agree.

  10. very funny and very informative even the incomprehensible bits! Where would you publish such a thing?
    I'll pass on the waxing I think - the graffic description was just a tad too real and made my eyes water just reading it. Aren't most women happy with the nail scissors trim? And then you chuck it out of the bathroom widow for the little birdies to make their nests with!

  11. Anonymous8:07 AM

    Ziggi. Birds nests?!?!? BRILLIANT!!!!

  12. Oh I'm so glad you have the opportunity to be published. Surely you should take it.

  13. Oh, HILARIOUS.
    Very informative, and thank you for the bald snatch bit. I totally agree and hope that the fashion moves along.

    (birds nests... snicker..)

  14. This is the most informative post I have read in...well, ever. Why is it that I've never been here before?

  15. So, what's the Yummy Biker's new job?

    Anyway, very well done! Makes me glad that I quit smoking. And that I am old enough to have absorbed the feminist credo that women's adult cooters should look like adult cooters. I can't stand shaved ones. Heck, I get a little creeped out when Mrs. Nator trims too closely.

    However, this means your next article should be on how to gracefully refrain from choking on a hairball during extended muffin munching. Kind of kills the mood.

    When is it going to be published?

  16. Anonymous10:25 AM

    Most informative. Your description of hair removal is spot on. My sister passed out and they called an ambulance when she first had a nether waxing. *shivers*

  17. mj: see, i had you pegged that way too without ever having met you! it's just like i'm psychic or something.
    noshit: well there it is, then. i'm getting ahold of the editor today (trembling like a chihuahua)
    vicus: sure you can. just remember: don't smoke and fuck. the relationship you save may be your own!
    knudie; this is where the practice of yoga can come in useful. i used to be married to this guy who could...against a wall, with his feet...and hair in his mouth, light a cigar and....but...kleenex on the floor.
    hendrix: i'm appalled to find i had this much; geeze.
    tim: hell, you can rent them out all over the place. wish me luck.

    cb: the fashion lately is to depilitate everything, too....arms, legs, ass, what have you, and then to severely and unnaturally shape whatever remains. it makes everyone look like a Barbie doll and it's UBERCREEPY. help.
    beast: theres nothing sexier than having a man approach you with a trembling vermillion turkeyneck between his legs, offering to stick it inside you. really. (oh lordy, thanks! wish me luck!)
    alala; welcome! and thank you. you notice how it's mostly white people who do this? and how they end up looking like feeder rats? ew.
    ziggi: *cracking up* it's recycling! recycling gone horribly, horribly awry!
    cb: and just think...we're all like a peer group here.
    christine: im gonna! thanks! gulp!
    claire: shouldn't you be up on the fantail with an umbrella drink learning the lambada? honey-go have fun!
    mist1: howdy! come back anytime. thats about as rank as it gets here, except for the roundtable on fistfucking some months back and the catholic-bashing.
    danator: working in a smelter, believe it or not. i mean, DAYUM- can you hear Martha Wash warming up her pipes? bear heaven!!!!!
    1. soon, i hope 2. reminds me of how they identified the assailant in 'Natural Born Killers'.
    realdoc: i've been stupid in my life but thank god thats one thing i was able to write from OTHER PEOPLES' descriptions and not personal experience. peeling cured tub caulking off my leg was bad enough. but smooth? honey.

  18. Alright, you've got me. What do you mean re: Natural Born Killers?

  19. Good advice there; shame I'm not going to try any of it out. *sobs*

  20. Woo FN! How can they not want to publish you?
    Haha. Bird's nest. *pfft*

  21. Anonymous2:45 PM

    Well done,FN! It's a shame if this is seen only in "select" fagazines.It ought to be in neighbourhood clinics.
    my verif.word is durdi. Go figure!

  22. Oh, I like "cooter". That's a new one for me.

  23. Anonymous3:09 PM

    FN, your advice this time is ambiguous.
    "Don't smoke and fuck".
    Does this time I should refrain from these activities altogether, or only at the same time?
    I don't smoke, and am getting to old to fuck, so I guess the question is academic.
    Unless you can provide me with some lesbians?

  24. Anonymous3:42 PM

    Natural Born Killers oh oh oh I know
    ****waves hand like class swot****

  25. Anonymous3:56 PM

    Im terrified - what about curry? Or chinese? Hilarious article - just brilliant. There are bloggers who can write- amazing! Old Knudsens idea sound like it could be fun - chcolate works - or maybe that was the Mars Bars!

  26. Anonymous8:05 PM

    Seeing the word "poontang" again is like meeting an old, long-lost friend.From my experience,I'd say you are a little harsh on the odor factor.

    Thank you for naming this informative and hilarious blog after me.

  27. Hah hah, the laughter of recognition. Will probably induce laughter-related incontinence in the readers of Betty's Pages. I don't know what that'll do for their sex lives.

    I had to look up Gene Shalit on Google Images, but it was worth it.

  28. My first serious boyfriend used to delight in telling girls who were smoking (especially the pretty ones who thought that they looked really sexy) that their fannies tasted like nicotine.

    'It's medically proven' he would add knowingly.

    (Fannie, as you probably know, is Brit slang for 'poontang' 'cooterpie' etc)

  29. Your being earthy accepting of bodily functions. Nothing wrong with that.
    I mean humans are humans. They stink sometimes. People fart which can be annoying sometimes like my father,I need some air give me a break so I can breath.
    But people fart with their mouth when they say something cruel or brag.
    Womans private area smell?
    Don't think about it only for my own sake.They do but so do mens privates I'm sure.Noone can except germs.
    Do you have an aroma fetish?
    I won't please a man, I don't want him smelling down there like dogs do.

  30. FN, that is worth reading. I like the style: inimitably your own. And thanks to reading it, I will never *ever* wax down there.

    *joins realdoc in shivering*

  31. danator: it's how they identified Mallory as the killer of that guy in the filling station. poik! yanked out one of her pubic hairs stuck between his teeth.
    billy: man, don't make me worry! is everything ok with ms. L and all?
    noshit:well, they're gonna get their chance because i just sent it in this morning. (peeing, trembling, etc)
    dinamow: durdi? only blogger, man. what a trip.
    ara: thats because, away down south where the rednecks grow the slang term for cute little turtles with their domed handful-sized shells is 'cooter'.
    there is a lot of imbreeding away down south.
    vicus: go visit the 'Daughters of Bilitis' site and ask would they lend you some spare ones. i'm all out at the mo.
    beast: good boy! *pats on head, feeds liver treatie* well done. when they added the 'poit!' sound effect i about peed myself laughing.
    muttley: curry=YES. chinese? what, like that mu tai dong guy who runs the take out in your 'hood? huh..i dunno. see, but now you've got me all curious. ask him!
    paul: oh crap. dude, i, oh crap. see, what happened was, when the form asked me what i wanted to name my blog the first thing that came to mind is 'well, Paul is a nice name..." so i typed it in because i am a big 'ol tard like that. thanks for having a sense of humor. *blushing purple*
    betty; i'm glad you thought so; he still gives me nightmares. brrrr.
    spinny: whatever else he may have been, he was right about that one. oh, lemme tell ya. XOO!
    megan: oh geeze, honey, this is kind of x-rated humor here; cover your eyes! (to late, huh.) i made it sound worse than what it really is to get a laugh. but the onion thing i stand by.
    tamburlaine: see, i knew this would happen and i was hoping it wouldnt. lordy. i had to comment on your beautiful article, though, and i did warn you. i'm all blushed out-will an act of contrition do? *mustering a blush anyway*

  32. Holy Crunch N Munch Batman!
    You had me from cooterpie.

    FN that was sooo funny, like reading Cosmo on Acid.
    ..I am serious that was informative and brilliant and YOU are hilarious!
    Your comic stylings easily disarmed what could have been
    (and should always be) a very touchy subject.

    I feel like I'm one of the girls now.

  33. (no, no - i'm back! been back for a week and a half!)

  34. Anonymous12:34 PM

    I laughed so hard and so loud that the men in little white coats showed up to try to take me away. Those damn neighbors of mine. Great post!

  35. Crikey.

    This post shold be on Wikpedia.

    Most informative and, indeed, food for thought.

  36. ok. I've stopped honking with laughter long enough to congratulate you on a cracking article, utterly and totally factually accurate in my experience. I love the image that emerges of a Lady Private Area (how prim am I?) as a sort of well-meaning and adorable semi-stray kitten who has a propensity to roll in ick or bring home half-chewed slugs and wonder in a hurt fashion why you aren't pleased.

  37. What was once a weedy pasture full of discarded farm machinery is now pouty, bouncy, breezy-bare and almost supernaturally sensitive!

    Hahahahahahahahahaha! Great Article!

  38. I'll stay out of here if it's adult jokes on this blog it just isn't me.
    Adult Jokes feels empty but it's just not my intorest but if you enjoy it continue.
    I'm not mature enough for it.
    Which is fine with me.

  39. Anonymous3:18 AM

    "THE GOOD NEWS: because you chose to wax, you won't see any regrowth of hair for weeks. Why? Because it is AFRAID."


  40. Anonymous7:50 AM

    Listen did I miss that the Yummy Biker is a waxer of ladies parts? Thank you for sharing this valuable PSA and the reminder to make an appointment for myself.

  41. Anonymous9:35 AM

    ...the mental image of Da being a waxer of lady's nethers - ACK!!! No, G, but he did used to work around a lot of open-air cha-chas back in the day. Not like a pimp or anything. Just as muscle. Booooooyakasha.

    Um. Mama, am I supposed to bring cheesecake for (prezombie) jebus birthday day?
    (yes, this means I finally read the whole post, and am still glad you brought me up to think cooters that looked like mexican hairless chihuahuas were to be feared and distrusted).

    xufngye = the fungus that grows in vats of nether-wax at Vietnamese salons. It's a hairy fungi.

  42. Anonymous6:44 PM

    ssa, thanks for clearing that one up for me.

  43. This is brilliant! LOVED it!

  44. There is a certain kind of tisane...
    made up of a mixture
    of, uh, orange...
    rosewater and mint.
    It's to be drunk
    before making love.

    It perfumes the juices.

    Those are lines an older French man says to his young American girlfriend in "Le Divorce." I thought of that when I was reading the bit about the area smelling like what has been consumed recently. Someone should field test this "tisane," don't you think, as much as I hate the thought of a greasy French rascal being right about anything?

  45. oh my god i have never laughed so hard !!! i got redirected to this entry by hitting one link then another and next thing ya know here i am !!

    i am gonna go and see what else - if anything - you have written... i do believe you have won my heart..

    still laughing

  46. After doing some research online, I've ordered my first electronic cigarette kit on VaporFi.