Sunday, January 28, 2007

nerd heat

stainless steel amazon? don't read this. trust me.

Well then.

Spinsterella (the Emma Peel of blogging) has a fatal fascination for scrawny, veiny guys.

100 % white-hot, nightcrawling, alley dwelling boy meat. for you it's free. the rest pay. gladly.

SurlyGirl, for Rowan Akinson as Elizabethan Blackadder.

he maketh me to swete fair, strait through my stomacher, i too have ruint for setting my inward skirts as he maketh me to shift so in my seat, to imagine how hot couydd burn the kisses of his sneering lips upon my heaving white bosom, yo.

Me, I have a real weakness for nerds.

gates-on-gates action. we all know how this turns out....

Now by nerds I don't mean chinless adolescent gamers picking at their acne in the dark foetor of their basement bedrooms, no no no. I mean full-grown man-geeks with overriding passions for say, ornithology, or experimental chemistry. The type of man who gets so lost in his enthusiasm for his interest that he fails to notice until too late that you have slipped beneath the table, mouth full of ice cubes, and undone the buttons of his pants.

1. Bill Nye the Science Guy

we believe you, bill.
UPDATE: bill, you lie like an egg sucking hound.

This guy is just likeable anyway. Still, Bill Nye was just another postmodern kids' show host...Until I saw a segment he did while standing thigh deep in a tidepool WEARING A WETSUIT. And it wasn't so much as the wetsuit, really, as it was the wet curls of hair at the pit of his throat. That, and the guy's got hands the size of canoe paddles, if you follow me. I imagined slooooooowly unzipping that wetsuit with my teeth for quite awhile.
All together now: What in GODS NAME is wrong with me?

2. Mike Rowe of Dirty Jobs

...why yes! I'd love some!

Handsome and funny despite the fact that he can usually be found standing tit deep in raw oysters or stuck up to his armpit in a cow rectum, Mike Rowe is GAME. And more than likely gamy, too. Of course, that washes off. Still, he's just as happy stripped down to damn near nothing (God bless you, Mike) surrounded by tiger sharks as he is dressed in full hazmat gear chucking muck out of a dairy gutter. Never one to let the opportunity for a truly filthy double entendre pass, delivered with a gentle, rueful smile in a voice like a bank of organpipes, Mike Rowe is delightfully hairy and completely out of his mind. And very, very dirty.
Of course, as I've said, that washes off. In a hot, steamy shower, deserted when I enter, towel already inching towards the tiles....Deserted except for Mike Rowe enthusiastically rinsing off the days pay...

3. John Cleese

never doubted it for a moment, Johnny boy.
Yes, John.
Oh YES, John.
God, yes, John.
It's been like that since I was thirteen years old.
Remember in 'How To Annoy People' when he smiles, languidly clasps his hands behind his head and says, 'That's right, she can't get enough of it' ? He was right. I cannot get enough of this guy. The years have not lessened nor have they dimmed the raw bestial glory that is long, tall and british John Cleese draped elegantly across a piece of furniture, eyes intent, a faint flush spreading across his aristocratic features as he watches me slowly sink to my knees, smiling wickedly, reaching for his
I was genuinely pissed off when I realized he wasn't gay. Really, really, REALLY pissed. Here he'd been on tour in the United States while I was in my childbearing prime and I BLEW IT! Or failed to. Because I would. Bald, ancient and toothless though he is in real life. Oh hell yeah. Until he had an aneurism.
Remember in that zoo picture he did with Jaime Lee Curtis when he suddenly throws her over the top of his desk and puts the meat to her? THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME.

What? Jaime Lee is hot.

4. Jaime Heineman (I have deliberately misspelled this. The man already has girlgeek pornsites devoted to him. I have SOME pride. Kinda.)

The confident stance of a man who knows that those last two inches will always go unused.

Proving once and for all that happiness is indeed a warm gun, any time this guy does a segment of M***B*****s which involves firearms I am there. And I am lickin' the screen. It's the way he laughs when something toxic explodes in a ball of flames...that fine hard ass you could bounce a dime off of...damn. I have fantasies about this guy that include a mechanics creeper, a bottle of oxyacetelene and a large pile of shop rags. See, it's a warm day, and Jaime is wearing his starched white shirt open. The breeze moves it. Sweat has dampened the hairs on his chest into dark ringlets that follow the pulse in his throat, ringlets that dissappear into luxuriant darkness.
From where I am lying I can see him through the darkened glass of my welding helmet. I have dropped all pretense of repairing the axle of the monster truck I am under (we'll be filling it with dead swine and plastique and pushing it off a building later). I simply observe him. Sparks fall around me.
He walks over to where I am.
I have enough remaining presence of mind to turn the gas down and let the flame go out.
I expect him to lean over and say something. Instead he grasps the end of the creeper and pulls me out from under the truck.
He helps me to my feet. Takes off my visor. The gloves. The jacket.
And my hand is inside the top of his shirt. Just like that, the motion deliberate. Gliding over his throat. Up the line of his jaw. Drawing my finger across his lips. Between them.
I follow the dark line down his chest to the waistband of his slacks.
He bends his head towards me
I'm not thinking anymore
He is kissing my neck, kissing and biting it.
I can't help it. I'm making noise now.
When his hand slides up the back of my shirt and unclasps my

Gosh! Isn't it warm in here?

And speaking of heat, RealDoc posed me this burning question, which I turn over
you, my darlings...


Nominate your blogging favorite! Vote early and vote often!


  1. Anonymous12:46 PM

    I like skanky females with lop sided grins and unusual sexual penchants.

    Not many of those round my way unfortunately.

  2. Anonymous1:34 PM

    i completely understand. i have always loved nerds, especially musically talented band geeks.

    and Jamie Heineman? oh, yeah. SO *would*

  3. Hee. Hee hee heeeeee!

    You have good taste in men, darling. However, Mrs. Nator was rather crushed when she found out Jamie H isn't gay. He'd make such a perfect macho queer. We want him in our tribe, dammit!

    Adam S, on the other hand? Very funny, but not Teh Sexy. No.

  4. Anonymous4:04 PM

    My interests include birdwatching, beach fishing, ufology, playing the accordion, libraries, and I am a Kite Champion! I thought you were gay?

  5. garfy: i'll take that as a compliment. not that i quite understand how you meant that; I'm just greedy.
    cb: amen. let's flip a coin for firsties!
    danator: i thought he was gay too! he isn't gay? oh come on. he's so bear! i am BUMMED. really?
    muttley: are you nominating yourself for the title 'John Steed of blogging?' and no, I'm bi. really enthusiastically bi. or maybe really, really friendly; whatever.

  6. Anonymous7:04 PM

    I knew even before scrolling down that one of those Mythbusters guys would be on here, tho surprised at your choice. But 'tis alright; you can have Jamie, and I'll take Adam. Slurp.

    My Python hottie has always been (hold onto your kerchief) Terry Jones. Chaucer scholar, eloquent anti-war essayist, documentarian and sweet little smile. Niiiice.

  7. Anonymous11:44 PM

    I'm with you on the Mike Rowe thing. I love that man! He's hot and sexy, even when he's covered in cow dung.

  8. Anonymous11:52 PM

    For heavens sake woman , put the washer on fast spin and go sit on it........
    It not even spring and already the sap is a rising at rancho first nations .The poor yummy biker will be hiding in the shed , twitching everytime he hears a lustful footfall in the yard.

  9. Anonymous1:04 AM

    That guy from the programme where they "bust" some "myths" isn't gay?

    My gaydar is clearly way, way out. Luckily I'm a hetero.

  10. Anonymous3:26 AM

    I nominate Murph for the John Steed of Blogging Award. He's charming, loyal, spouts his witty commentary in a few carefully selected words, and is always IMPECCABLY dressed.

    (sorry, can't do links)

  11. Anonymous4:25 AM

    I wanna be your dog!

    God bless Iggy! anyone who can smear himself with peanut butter and jump half naked into the audience and get them to lick it off has my vote.

  12. Anonymous8:56 AM

    In my own humble opinion Mr. Tim Footman is the John Steed of blogging...sophisticated, well turned out and perfect manners. Don't know if he has a bowler though.

  13. Aren't I the John Steed of blogging?

    And let me rephrase what I wrote before: Jamie H could be gay. However, I'm not sure how his female wife would feel about that.

  14. For God's sake, everybody knows that the sexy Python is Michael Palin.


  15. ooooo I love a geek, good job too cos I've got one - exceptionally high IQ, NO common sense what so ever - lovely.

  16. note to contestants: bowler and brolly are optional.
    ok...we've got one each for murph, footman and danator, with a possible muttley. i'm going to heave wyndham into the ring because 1. i like the mental image that conjures up, and 2. he is SO damned smooth. this in no way indicates favoritism, however. carry on.
    a winner will be chosen at random.

  17. ps I was going to vote Mr Footman for Steed but RD got there first, but only I might add, becase earlier I couldn't comment because blogger hates me - I REFUSE TO CHANGE I AM A FREE MAN I AM NOT A NUMBER ::rant rant rant::

  18. and I don't know how too :(

  19. Actually how about Dave for Steed
    He does have a ragtop car (although not vintage just yet) and I can definitely picture him in a bowler!
    Mind you he claims to be a vicar . . . but then he also claims to be 36 so it's probably a disguise so he can lurk unoticed cracking international crime syndicates.

  20. Anonymous10:38 AM

    No votes yet

    **** looks embarrased and leaves ****

  21. *ring ring!*

    hello?...oh, i see...just a moment..


    shall i take a message?

  22. ooh. thanks for the blackadder pic.

    i was going to agree with you about mr cleese as the sexy python. then warrior two reminded me about terry jones. then kellycat reminded me about michael palin. then i remembered i quite fancy eric idle as well. and there's something quite sexy about terry gilliam.

    graham chapman you can keep, though.

  23. Anonymous3:18 PM

    Bill Nye: I unzipped the wetsuit years ago. For real. I thought the same thing as you. But now I can tell you that canoe paddles are no indicator of relative size. Sigh. He's a bit on the weird side, too.

  24. I am flattered beyond words to be associated with the mighty Steed, and I did once own a bowler, although I tended more to homburgs...

    But my true role models from classic telly tend more to him and him. Boiling frustration countermanded by a certain diffidence. Maybe?

  25. Anonymous6:56 PM

    I'll vote for Beast as he's always so damn funny (not a ringing endorsement, but an endorsement nonetheless). Ice cubes you say...naughty little so and so.

  26. Anonymous7:00 PM

    Gotta agree with you on the nerds. But then, I married a redheaded Australian physicist... Nothing is quite as much of a turnon as a brain coupled with a sense of humor.

    Right there with you on John Cleese, too.

    Then again, I also have the hots for Peter O'Toole. At pretty much any age.

  27. When I was a teenager I had a thing for Carl Sagan...does that count?

  28. Anonymous10:31 PM

    That Mike Rowe dude left me panting.

    I am off to shower now. Cold of course.

  29. Anonymous11:32 PM

    gonna go for it...tommy. the original steed

  30. Saw the picture of Iggy...brain is now scrambled...need a cold shower

  31. Anonymous4:59 AM

    Not sure how I feel about namesake blog talking about boymeat. Or maybe it was not being included.

  32. Anonymous9:06 AM

    Oh.. Mike Rowe... i'm feeling a little dizzy now.

    You know he used to be an opera singer? I have very little interest in opera as a whole, but the fact that he can sing it (and well, i might add) makes him just a little sexier.

    I nominate BEAST!

  33. Anonymous10:26 AM

    Woooo Hoooo Beast is sure wacking up those nominations now

    ***struts and preens****

    I nominate Frobisher , its the debonair man about town and sardonic mien that does it

  34. Mrs. Nator used to be an opera singer. Does that make her the next Steed?

    Waitaminute. Now I'm confused.

  35. Anonymous2:54 PM

    "muttley: are you nominating yourself for the title 'John Steed of blogging?' and no, I'm bi. really enthusiastically bi. or maybe really, really friendly; whatever."

    Well that makes a difference - I herebye nominate myself to be the John Steed of blogging (worth a try if there might be a shag in it)

  36. Joe Bloggs8:46 PM

    I vote that very sexy Old Knudsen as the John Steed of Blogging, hes so funny and intelligent I really don't know how he does it the weemen and the men seem to love him in a God like way.

  37. Anonymous8:48 PM

    Oh dear, am I blushing? thankyou Mr bloggs for that ringing endorsement an Old Knudsen pen and t-shirt are on the way to you.

  38. Anonymous12:09 AM

    It would be more ah 'challenging' to see old knudy dressed in emma peels leather catsuit , now I would pay for that

  39. W2: Choice is what makes America great!
    * filth warning*
    ...I'd pay cash money to see Hugh Jackman bitch him though. Adam, I mean. Well; who wouldn't?
    Pam: don't read that. Think about Mike. Hot Mike. Mike in cutoffs, running along the beach in Aruba....
    Beast: Help me move the lawnmower, would you? I think he's hanging on to the other side.
    billy: on the other hand, maybe we know something that ol'Jaime doesn't.
    CB: MURPH duly noted, sah! i've seen that hound around. funny and WAY smarter than your average Labrador Retriever!
    Frobi: oh and hey, that voice. seen him lately? gawdDAMN. just as skanky, just as greasy, just as deceased, and CUT LIKE A FUCKING MARINE.
    Realdoc: TIM it is! excellent choice. genius AND buddy holly glasses! I have a feeling he's going to rake it in, too.
    Danator: DANATOR for a win, sah! no fair letting the missus stuff the ballot box either.
    KellyCat: there is a certain allure, isnt there? on Pole to Pole? travelling down the nile? his recitation of 'Ozymandias' knocked me OUT.
    Ziggi: god bless them, every one! TIM and DAVE noted, sah!
    Surly: not a problem. I LOVE that picture~! him i'd do. mr bean, not so much./I had a mad, mad crush on Idle when I was 12, when he took over as the charming waster guy on Doctor in the House. yeeow!
    Anon: and with that one comment YOU, anonymous, have just become an HONORARY MEMBER OF THE FLATTBUTT NATION. that is just about the single coolest thing I have ever heard in my LIFE. your new name is RIDES FEARLESS DWEEBKILLER.
    Kindness: TOM for the money, sah! you get the best of both worlds there, dont you? a mix of net god and studly guy bucking bales.
    hendrix: I understand. poor darling; here.*profers long island ice tea and lavender bath salts*
    Paul: PAUL, sah!
    you sir, were a GIVEN. in fact the excess hormones around here were more than likely generated in part by the mighty planet waves-o-hot emitted by your avatar. we are proud to call you Paul!
    Claire: BEAST for gold! re mike r; i totally believe it. he does tons of voiceover narration work too. *fanning self briskly*
    Beast: enjoy your well-deserved accolades. FROBI noted for the blue! he has my backing for sheer lickability.
    Danator: see, remember the corn picture? now you're generating images in my head with the bowler hat and umbrella...*frantically searches for copy of 'Some Interesting Intermarine Basaltic Formations of the Northwest and Lower Mainland Canada"
    Muttley: MUTTLEY for the garland, sah! you make great claims. considering an ocean and a continent lie between us, are perching birds a problem?
    Knudie: only someone for whom perching birds ARE NOT a problem would stoop to such base machinations. drop and give me 10. never mind 10 what. get going.
    Beast: increase your medication AT ONCE. *cowers under strangely rubbery onslaught of mental image*

  40. It's too bad Ed Troyer doesn't blog. He's the John Steed of my blog, for sure.

    FN, I think we're soul sisters. This entry was all Amens and Hallalujahs for me!

    did you know that in meatspace ol' Carl Sagan is a total hound? theres jokes about kids from all over the country who're just now entering MIT and look Strangely Familiar. bullions and bullions of them? god help us.

  42. ..oh crap, KRISTY! get to work, wench! it's 9:am! and yes, Ed seems to wield a wicked web of intrigue over to your place. Ed...wanton, wild, winsome...all these things and more.
    thanks, I'm going to be doing that all day now.
    wacky, wooly,wonderful, windy...

  43. Anonymous10:17 AM

    it's because he's part border collie.

  44. Just one more thing, dahlink. How could you make a list of Hot Nerds and not include Neil DeGrasse Tyson? A man who can host Nova and match Jon Stewart joke for joke on the Daily Show? I think he needs to be my sperm donor. Hubba, hubba.

  45. Anonymous2:06 PM

    DaNator's got a good point actually. While we're on the subject of hot nerds, what about Jon Stewart??? I would suck his toes.

  46. I knew no such thing about Carl Sagan! Gad about town, you say? Wonder if he got it on with smart chicks or if he wanted to dumb it down....

  47. cb; oo, thats right. crossbreeding is good.
    danator: 1. he is too FINE to be truly nerdy. (john cleese is exempt from this rule because it's my blog so ha ha) 2. by the time nova comes on here we've been asleep for 2 hours.
    cb: yikes! don't watch it. must search web..hand moving...unable to..resist...
    mutha: its a rumor but its one thats so cool i WANT to believe it!

  48. Anonymous9:33 PM

    Sorry I missed out on all of the tomfoolery but Blogger would send me to my f*cking dashboard when I tried to comment...
    so let's see...
    Jamie Heinyman isn't gay?...really?
    Those two aren't a couple?
    I must admit that I never expected to read naughty thoughts about Bill's the big mitts eh?
    John Cleese is the funniest man in History and I think that he should be Prime Minister. can you imagine?
    Loved Blackadder. Gates is copying every click that I make on my keyboard and selling the list to some Ad Agency so I am a little bitter.
    Mike Rowe is funny I really like that show...and I am glad that he is doing it and not me...not a great gig.
    Cleese has quite the Blog where he dispenses philosophical bon bons..I can't help but think of him explaining sex ed to the students in the Meaning Of Life..that is one of the best scenes EVER!

    Donn the Escapeon..hope I can get this NEW Blogger fixed some day((sigh))