Wednesday, January 31, 2007

vaseline for africa part II: uterine midnight

Let's all treat ourselves to a bracing onion smoothie while we review the results of this latest goofy and pointless exercise, shall we?

It was inevitable that Tim Footman would emerge by overwhelming popular acclaim as the 'John Steed of blogdom'.

...the shizz: mack daddy mcnee

He is intelligent. He is smooth. He is incredibly well- spoken. He is the type of man who would not hesitate to stab the crap out of someone with an umbrella. a recent television interview. footman has been described as 'distinctly punditlike with a strong note of oak' and 'super nice-n-smart + realy cool!!! funy to!!! 4 perod math see you next yeir!!!'

Come forward, Tim, and accept a congratulatory glass of Moet&Chandon and this sleek Starbucks coffee thermos which, when hurled at the feet of an opponent, emits a crippling cloud of narcotic gas.

If for any reason during the term of his reign Tim Footman is not able to carry out the responsibilities of his office, his alternate is....


...crying on the inside

..who ran a popular second despite my best efforts to influence the judges by (showing them all the places I have piercings) pleading eloquently on his behalf.
Well fought, my darling. Step forward and receive your second place award...ten pounds of raw pork and this wadded up Canadian $20 I found when I was doing laundry. It wont buy much, but it's pretty. You can color on it if you want.

Wyndham Triffid was notable among the field of competition; an unsung blogging GOD. His enormous brainial giftatude intimidates me so much, in fact, that I have been reduced to lurking at his place, as helpless before his mental attainments as a chihuahua under a fat lady's ass. God bless you and all who sail in you, sir.

Danator nominated herself. Then I think what happened was, she nominated Mrs. Danator, the delightful and wicked Mrs. Danator, the beautiful and vibrant Mrs. Danator, the Mrs. Danator of hot-corn-on-a-stick fame. Then I forgot what I was saying and the phone rang. It was some kind of phone sales crap. I don't understand why they bother. Its not like I'm going to buy shit over the phone anyway.

Murph received one highly enthusiastic nomination. After a critical review it was decided with reluctance that, while Murph is both smooth and well dressed, the lack of opposable thumbs would prove a distinct disadvantage when battling cybernetically enhanced Russian agents. Good boy, Murph.

MUTTLEY'S varied career has included a stint as comedic sidekick, weapons expert, and alternate driver for modified racings' reknowned Team Whiplash.

..remember, ninety cents out of every dollar goes towards helping these kids.

After a puzzling silence of several years Muttley re-emerged upon the public stage as an intrepid survivor in an alternate, postapocalyptic Britain, bravely holding his own against the radioactively mutated inhabitants and slutty, hardware-obsessed naked booby ladies. It was determined, with regret, that Muttley already has enough on his plate.

Dave received one vote. But it was a vote which included the phrase 'dirty vicar' so I call that well done.

...i like TITS!

Fine; that was a lie. It was nothing like 'dirty vicar'.
Dirty Vicar.

Knudson nominated himself.
He was barred from competition by showing up to the gate clad in a used leather catsuit.
"...Vile and unsanitary vodka nonagenarian crusted, floating balls of animal sticky hair. Heat rash, beans for lunch like a mouse squeaking in a trap, insufficient support for whenever scaly psoriasis because gravity, called moobs, deflated patchy red rash all over the unsightly lumpiness of the ew ew ew hanging out. Traffic accidents when a dog that's too licky because with identical roll-on deodorant used by teenage girls. Really icky linty too lazy in a pop bottle next to the victrola, wintergreen liniment strong enough to fricken taste (call me.)"
...from 'tribute to knudson', rod mckuen (deceased)

FROBISHER, my rat, my only rat, was nominated in a charming display of (guilt and pity) manly chivalry by Beast.

...scary robot man! his fu is unbeatable!
Frobisher was unavailable for comment as he was busy fending off the lascivious advances of his hareem with a garbage can lid and a shitty stick.

Last but certainly not least, the white hot law-enforcing goodness that is local mover-n-shaker Ed Troyer is taken, much to our dismay, by the discriminating and lovely Kristy of Eats, Shoots and Leaves.

...wearing Garanimals

'Think globally, lust locally' are words she lives by. I think we can all appreciate why.

Well! Wasn't that fun? I know I had fun.
Did you have fun?
Because, you know, I did.
Have fun.

ok. go away.
its done.


  1. Anonymous12:55 AM

    Hurrah , I came second .......If at first you dont succeed , lower your for me.
    Frobisher has gone 'green' last seen he was hiding in his composter , chewing an old banana skin

  2. I admit it, i had fun - fank yoo

  3. wow, you have the best contests.

    my word-verification word is cmdwrhxd. That's Welsh, and it means "please come over to my house and rescue me, I have been bewitched by what I thought was an inanimate object."

    Welsh is such an amazingly evocative language, isn't it?

  4. Anonymous10:49 AM

    Well congrats to all in the Winners Circle! A motley crew indeed. Throws flowers as he exits.

  5. Anonymous10:49 AM

    In a case of sexual confusion, that was actually "as she exits". What diff?

  6. Anonymous11:55 AM

    Bloody blogger is playing up again
    ****wanders off muttering

  7. Anonymous11:58 AM

    I have a joke for all the femenists on your blog FN(this being the blog home of strong women)....

    Why do men fart more than women????

    Becuase they never shut up long enough to build up enough pressure.

    *****runs off and hides with Frobisher in the composter******

  8. ....isn't he great? lets give him a big hand, shall we?

  9. Anonymous12:46 PM

    Give Beast the clap he so richly deserves!

  10. Anonymous12:48 PM

    (clap - English slang for VD).

    I am proud of my "also ran" status in the race of life. Underachiever and proud.

    Who is Tim Footman?

  11. Anonymous12:49 PM

    I'll start the slow clap:


  12. Anonymous12:56 PM

    "Who is Tim Footman?"

    You mean you've never heard of him. He's quite famous, you know.

  13. Congrats to Tim Footman! I had fun, too. Except when I got a sprain in my scrolling finger. Owie.

    Incidentally, FN, are you making a pass at my woman? Because we're a package deal. And the cats hafta watch. No menfolk allowed. Except maybe Neil D-G or Jon Stewart.

    Mmmm... coooorn...

  14. beast: footman has to attend all the moose lodge banquets. you want the title? he'll probably give it to you. not the starbucks thermos though; he'll be wanting to huff that.
    ziggi: ha! you admit it! you see? resistance is futile! you will be assimilated!
    alala: 'cmdwrhxd' is actually Kwa'kiutl for "I need a size larger please". of course the Kwa'kiutl trace their origins back to early Welsh explorers searching for the fabled 'Clean Public Restrooms of Cibola'.
    G: ...and thats spelled 'Muttley', by the way. cold fingies, huh.
    Frobi: 1. the same slang for vd here too. ew. 2. shoulda stuffed the ballot box, ratso! thats how i used to win all the polls over at the Champ's place. 3. his attainments would take much too long to list here. He pretty much owns 'Comment is Free' in the Guardian over at y'alls way, and is an internationally reknowned pundit, raconteur and man of intrigue. use the link; geeze.>>>>>
    claire: I'll do the lone taxi whistle from the cheap seats:
    ok done.
    billy: just got a book published too.
    danator: I deny all charges, but only because I'm already happily taken, not because i'm stupid.
    that was chivalry. how'd i do?
    *facing west* i henceforth abandon and refute this line of banter; I cast it out, I rebuke it. in Devo's name, begone!

  15. Anonymous4:38 PM

    can i just point out that i LOVE the position of the tree log in the "Riffleman" poster!

  16. Damn. I can't decide whether to go batshit tearful in a Gwyneth/Halle/Sally Field sense, or to send a porno actress dressed as a Cherokee to refuse my award for me.

    But thank you. Thank you all.

    Do I get to go to Elton John's party now?

  17. Ah well it was worth a try.

    I'll have a better chance at who is the old man with piss stains of Blogging?

  18. kristy11:36 PM

    So Ed gets an Hornorable Mention. Okay, I can live with that. Because you're right; he's taken.

  19. i laud at that cat!! my god!! sorry not popped by for a while ;0p