Sunday, March 11, 2007

bitch bitch bitch.

I'm here...just kinda burnt out. Been chasing around after old men and babies.

Sometimes being the Playboy of the Western Worlds' gal Friday is a pain in the ass.Mainly because I have to drive all over hells half acre when I run errands for him in addition to the sixty mile round trip, and the man always has an 'Oh, by the way'. Then there's the doctors' appointments that are never, never running on time, and the getting in and out of the car whang dang doodle... open his door, get him in, fold up the walker, carry it around to the trunk, open the trunk, rassle the walker into the trunk, close the trunk, close his door, run around and open the drivers side door. Lordy, it gets old. And when I have to dodge traffic, weather and winos it's even more fun.

Most of the time I'm happy to do this because I like to get out of the house too, and the man's simply good company. We have a blast together. But sometimes, dammit, I simply do not feel like leaving the house or socializing. When I'm in this mood, dealing with a man who says 'Huh?' or 'Excuse me?' every SINGLE time you say something because he doesn't feel like getting a hearing aid makes me want to put him in the trunk and drive down ten miles of rough road. Him and his goddamn walker. And his 'oh by the way.'

I know I am blessed in so many ways by knowing him. He's someone that I would have been buddies with anyway, and that he's my husband's father is icing on the cake.

I think the reason I'm mad is because all his doctors just wrote him off. After all those tests and all that horseshit, every single apointment I've taken him to lately is another doctor telling him 'There's nothing else we can do. Go home and die.'

His neurologist showed him the results of his catscan, showing progressive narrowing of the nerve channels to the brain. Told him 'You're too old to operate on. Bye now!'

His heart specialist handed him a printout of his cardiogram, which shows every artery blocked to a greater or lesser degree, and some of them in several locations. All near the heart. The guy told him 'You could have a stroke at any time. You might have ten years, you might go five minutes from now. Well, bye now!'

He's at peace with it. I'm not. It's not the death part. I know from what I went through when my grandmother died that he's getting off easy. Really easy. It's that I feel like I just got to know him and he's not going to get better.

shit.

21 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry. Tough for you, in the worst way, but how is he holding up?

    And you never got around to the 'babies' bit - I'd like to think that was a story of consolation, not more woe!

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  2. noshitsherlock11:45 PM

    Aw. All I can say is, spend as much time as you can with him. Remember you should have no regrets, even if it's 'I never got to do this and that' You should value the time you can get, and when he does finally go, you can say, hey, at least I was there for him, and at least I got to go to a b or c with him.
    Lovies.

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  3. Yep, that pretty much sucks. I'm sorry.

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  4. Do you think you would be spending as much time with him if he wasn't so clapped out and you were running him about the place? The best times I had with my gran were when she was confined by her fraility, before that she was busyyyyyy! It was a relativily short time but a great time - quality not quantity xx

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  5. That you want to spend as much time with him as possible only makes it harder on those days when you just don't feel like going out, i'm sure. like they said, cherish the time you have together, but make time for yourself, too. (((hugs)))

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  6. I know exactly how you feel. When you reach a certain age the medical appointments come thick and fast, and ferrying around loved ones can be rewarding or a chore, depending on your own state of mind at the time.

    But, when it does come to an end you'll have no regrets at all about the time you spent - just amazement how you ever made the time to fit it all in.

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  7. The medical profession seems to be the same either side of the Atlantic. My mother, in her 70's, has been told she has an inoperable cancer. They could operate, but they say it would only lead to a rapid spread into other parts of her. There are drugs, of course, but they have a low success rate and often cause as much pain and distress as the cancer. So she, like your old man's old man, has been given the "goodbye, enjoy what you have left" prescription.

    It's my fault for watching 'House' and believing that the medical profession is full of quirky genii who make great strides. If I'd stuck to 'Green Wing' I'd have known it was full of oddballs who just shuffle along with the odd little hop.

    I'll just skulk off and be bitter. All the best to you and your cabin.

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  8. Its the feeling of not being able to do anything thats the hardest thing with these sort of situations.
    As you say at least all this faffing about has enabled you to get to know the playboy really well , so you at least got that.
    And hes got you as an added bonus...

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  9. I'm sure there's a passage from Shakespeare about the double-sided nature of life and of course I can't remember it. You're a great match, you and the Playboy.

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  10. Goodness. So sorry for the driving and especially the dismissive doctors. Occasionally (like everytime I've ever gone to one) I would like to smack them over the head.

    And man, the Playboy is just getting started. Here's to ten, hell twenty, more years.

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  11. It really is about trying to make the most out of the time left - I know that's what everyone else has said here, and it's hard work. There isn't a time when you're finally "ready" to accept someone's death. When my bullying, bad tempered dad (who probably left me with a few confidence issues in my time) was in the last months of his life, I kept thinking "I'm really not ready for him to go" and it felt as though my limbs were being torn off! I had to learn to be patient with him (which was difficult). You seem to have the right attitude, but it can be extremely difficult to cope at times. Best of luck.

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  12. At least he not horny anymore.... Or is he?

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  13. Heavens. I'm sorry. How old is he?

    You know, I find the medical establishment so interesting. One elderly person, they say "go home and die," the next they throw invasive treatment after invasive treatment at, barely extending life and ruining the quality. I guess the bottom line is, what does the Playboy want?

    You'll never be ready. Just enjoy your time with him, and be gentle on yourself when you're feeling crunchy. You're only a brilliant, caring, hysterically funny human!

    Hugs!

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  14. It's not easy and we are not exactly a progressive nation in the treatment of our elders. It sucks. Wishing The Playboy enjoyment in these years and you too. You are doing a major mitzvah my friend. Good for you - bitch all you want.

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  15. oh, it is so hard, isn't it.
    i don't want to repeat everything everyone else has said, but i know what you're going through, just as i'm sure most of us do.
    it's hard not knowing what to expect and not knowing what to do.

    ugh.. so sorry you're going through this.

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  16. mangonel: thats the subject of the next post, is babies!
    noshit: thank you my darling XOO
    alala: see above!
    ziggi: thats like the Playboy...he was so busy before it was impossible to pin him down. now that he's barely getting around, the fan club still fills the place up and hauls him around, come to think of it. it's seeing him infirm that's hard.
    cb: he's the best person I know beside my husband.
    frobi: sometimes i just don't want to be needed so badly, i guess. XOO
    sopwith: welcome! out here its neither house or green wing, but field day at the mong farm. bellingham is where all the 'c' students end up, i think.
    betty: the patience is hard. i want to get mad at someone and make them MAKE him better, not get mad at him. sigh.
    muttley: that, sir, is one thing that has NOT changed. since the move I've busted him twice already..once with the cable installer guy and once with a member of the fan club. before that there were three or four times I had to circle the block until his 'company' left, until i learned not to just drop in unannounced. geeze! elderly fathers in law are just supposed to make birdhouses arent they?!
    danator: the Playboy has accepted all this long ago. thank god it's an open subject, too, so theres been no pussyfooting around the issue. he's completely at peace with it and probably pretty relieved to finally have the tests at an end too. me, i want to beat someone to death with a bat.
    g: you know you're right. him, he's having a great time. with any luck he'll be found next to a weeping bodybuilder with the tv turned to a Maria Montez retrospective.
    claire: you got it. you feel like theres something to do and there just isn't. gaah.

    THANKS, EVERYONE.

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  17. life is shit sometimes, and sometimes it's good to take a good crap. the only thing you can do is make mice memories with him. bless ya ;0)

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  18. well, do what any self-respecting southerner would do - take a vacation to the south, find a nice doctor who has really good malpractice insurance, and make them do something. in fact, refuse to go away until they do. if you need backup, call me. i do that very well. **cracks knuckles** remember, southern belles have wills of iron. and corsets, but that's a different story.

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  19. Oh FN...my heart goes out to you. Echoing what others have said, spend as much time with him as you can. Enjoy the heck out of him, even his 'huh's and 'what did you says'. Someday they will be just memories.

    Big hugs baby. Big hugs.

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  20. Strange as it might seem to say, lots of true darkness is critical.

    Heart disease is primarily a collagen disorder, and light during the night messes up collagen production.

    See photoperiodeffect.com for more details and instructions.

    Best of luck.

    Russ

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  21. Aww!
    I think that you have to be prepared but just enjoy every minute until then..if he is fine with it what are ya gonna do?
    You get some strange form of consolation knowing that you're goin' out in the express lane (I know that I am as have all of my forefathers)and you don't worry about wasting away..one day the lights will go off and from there it's anybody's guess.
    So just absorb as much wisdom as you can and ask him tons of questions?
    He may outlive us all?

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