Tuesday, March 13, 2007

chasing babies

As the Stainless Steel Amazon's fiance, the Poor Bastard, has taken on more responsibilities (YAY FOR HIM!) I see the Goonybird less. I had him 24/7 in his infancy, and during the days after that, then two days a week, and now one evening each week. The less I see him, the faster he grows up.

A little boy is entirely new territory for me. I had no brothers, I raised no sons. The only little boys I knew about were two young cousins, who were not entirely human so I don't think that counts. Unfortunately, they made a very deep impression on me. Consequently I always search my grandson for developing feral traits, which is both unfair and stupid. But I still do it.

Following the instructions to the letter, my cousin's parents had money, owned a house, car and boat, and mom stayed home to raise her kids (that last probably a large part of why they ended up being psychotic, rabid weasels.)

The Goonybird's mommy rents, works outside the home and attends college...and sometimes other people watch her child. The Goonybird is not a rabid weasel. In fact he does not resemble any member of the mustelid family. He is a sunny, happy little guy. He still eats stuff off the carpet, but now he avoids things that obviously aren't food, like tacks and paper.

The difference is, the Goonybird has an excellent mommy who loves him. The weasels had a couple of raving drunks who didn't even like themselves.

Now that the Goonybird is three years old the baby traits are fading away. I admit; I miss that. He was such a cute little chuckle duck, and way more portable too. He is becoming an independent little person of his own now, and he's heavier and kicks harder. But like his mother before him, he is becoming a very strange little person. Just in a different way.

His mommy liked to play with lettuce. I could crack off a leaf of iceberg lettuce, hand it to her and she'd derive hours of entertainment from it. Wear it on her head, lie on the floor with it on her face, sticking it to the TV screen, slap herself on the tummy with it, stick it down the back of her diaper; she was a happy camper. The Goonybird is not interested in lettuce. The Goonybird would rather cook firetrucks in his Teflon frying pan with pepper and water.

His mommy was mildly intrigued by the contents of her potty but was content to slosh them around and sing them songs.
The Goonybird went through an intense 'brown period' , during which he explored feces as an expressive medium. He developed a preference for vinyl flooring as a support, having experimented variously with the carpet, the television screen, and the inside of the tub.

His mommy was perfectly content to wander around crusted with drool, partially masticated carrot, fuzz, hair, lint, stray candy bar wrappers and bits of string. She had distinct adhesive qualities, in fact. Instead of vacuuming you could just roll her across the rug.

The Goonybird has an absolute COW if he makes an accidental mess. His entire world falls apart; he starts screaming for a towel. Not that he won't paint his head green in art class; he is his mothers son in that respect. But that's intentional. That's different.

His mommy was born with an Imelda Marcos gene. She and her father got along like cats and dogs a lot of the time, but send the two of them shoe shopping and they were of one heart and one purpose.
The Goonybird loves his barn boots. Them, and only them. He will take a fit if he cannot wear his barn boots. There is no other footwear in his world than the barn boots.
The last time I gave him a bath he went right to the barn boots, grabbed the towel for a cape and marched around the house naked announcing "Flying man! Flying man!'
Apparently you cannot fight crime without barn boots.


  1. Anonymous12:33 PM

    of course, barn boots are the ultimate most for fighting crime!

    and at least the 3 year old doesn't have an attitude problem. my 4 year old niece looks at my mom and tells her she's ugly, old, and fat. i looked at her and said, so? you're a little bitch. she seemed content with that answer.

  2. I have to ask, what are barn boots? Are they like wellington boots?

  3. pink: any kid that said that to my face would end up with a red rear, i tell ya what.
    billy: barn boots are knee-high molded rubber boots with a loop on either side of the tops to yank them on with. is that like a wellington boot?

  4. Anonymous2:10 PM

    fn - yes, wellies are our version of barn boots.

  5. Of course, all the modern superheroes wear barn boots. That's the source of all their powers.

  6. I have a house, a car, and a boat.

    I must be a pyschotic rabid weasel.

    I've always seen myself as more of a neurotic whisky swilling stoat.

    I shall seek out some barn boots and a good therapist.

  7. Kristy6:12 PM

    There's NOTHING I love more in life than the naked superheroes. Nothing.

  8. I want barn boots. Can I have some pretty puhleaseeeee!?

    Fabulous Furry Brothers? Am I right, am I right? :)

  9. Anonymous8:41 PM

    awa - wrong, wrong, wrong.

    and awa? you'd wear barn boots just because i was wearing them.

  10. I had a barn hat.

    And I jumped off hay bales.

    And barn smell is still my favourite smell in the whole world.

    *whiff and wave of nostalgie*

  11. pink: oh.
    alala: the cause of good has a new champion...NAKED BARN BOOT FLYING GUY!
    garfy: that was the parents. the kids played in broken glass, buggered each other and robbed gas stations. true.
    kristy: they are the best kind of superheroes. especially if they smooch you.
    awaiting: oh lordy.
    pink: oh lordy.
    mj: oh lordy i owe awaiting a blowjob now.

  12. If they're good for crime fighting, I DEFINITELY need a pair. Expecially if they have boot-straps...

  13. The Goonybird has it exactly right , for superhero crime fightin , you have to be nekkid , you have to have your wellies and a cape.
    I am a great advocate of extended parenting of kids , I think it makes them more confident .I think if the family and friends are about to share the load , its a more rewarding experience for everyone.It makes for stronger families.

  14. i'm with kristy on this one. naked superheros are where it's AT.

    how long until the gooneybird is legal?

    sorry, that was uncalled for.

  15. Of course he loves his barn boots. And the Goonybird sounds like such a sweethearted kid. Cute, cute.

  16. Anonymous8:49 AM

    You are right of course - money does't matter in the least to raising beautiful children. Some of my best memories of being a house parent are of times we had no money to speak of. Like having 1.15 pounds to last two days - man it was funny!

  17. how many beetroots can you buy for 1.15 ????

  18. FN you comment to garfy sounds like a night round at Frobishers !

  19. god, i hope he outgrew the brown period.
    though artistic, i don't think i could deal with something like that for very long.

    ew. and oh no.

  20. w2: they do. and dinosaurs!
    beast: i agree. i like being grandma on call!
    cb: your hormones are in overdrive. by the time the Goonybird is legal you'll be rowing a motorized wheelchair.
    christine: we like him. he's a really good old baby.
    muttley: pounds of what?
    beast: pounds of WHAT?? and re ratso-i figured it went something like that. spreading plague, gnawing through bags of meal, cooking meth, throwing molotov cocktails....
    claire: yes, after the rug got painted his mommy had a long talk with him about the advisability of putting the poo in the potty. she was about ready to sell him to the circus.

  21. I think I wil pass on the blowjob, being that I don't have the right utensils. But I was right! Yayyy!

  22. I'm way too pissed to read all the comments. I'm blogging pissed as a therypy to9 avoid emailing whislt drunk out of my sukl.

    What are barn boots?