Monday, April 09, 2007


Dear entire nation of Canada:

I would like to apologize for the Minuteman Militia idiots in their pickup trucks parked on our side of Boundary Road with their binoculars and spotting scopes pointed towards your country. 99.99976% of us do not support this movement. We know it is lame. We know they are lame. We are embarrassed.

I promise you.

These vigilante antics gives them the illusion of having a set while actually signifying nothing. Come the fall of night they run home to their economy-sized jars of Vaseline and whack off to the Star Spangled Banner, leaving this highly strategic stretch of our international boundary vulnerable to invasion by undercover Al Quaida operatives masquerading as deer, elk and Hereford cattle.

So please, ignore the wingnuts. Everyone else does. Come visit America. It's nice. Lots of the people are nice. Most of the scenery is nice, except for some of the Oregon parts, and the landfills. And Los Angeles.

And hey, if you want to stay, that's all right by me too. The way I see it, you're ALL trespassing illegally on my land as it is, but it's no use my getting all in a bunch about it at this late date.

Love, FirstNations
(genuinely sorry about Colonel Ebey.)

An hour ago we had a pair of paragliders drop into the playing field directly behind our house. Where did they come from? Why, they were dropped from a plane that left Abbotsford Field.
And guess who wasn't here to meet them????
Hell, the police didn't even bother to stop. Heard nothing from the Border Patrol. Or the Homeland Security personnel on duty.
OH MY GOD! That could have been Osama Motherfucking BinLaden! ( and his even more evil twin brother Bananarama VonDamme BinLaden)
I could have spent the rest of my life in a fricken' chador!


folks, its FANTASTIC. so much better than the recipe i was using. as i suspected, USING LIME JUICE IS THE KEY. dugong is optional.

my lunch...chips and guac seen here with the all-important seasonings to taste...freshly ground black pepper and Diamond Crystal Kosher Salt. use the best. it's worth it.

You know what? I'm not even going to ask for permission...this recipe needs to be shared with the world. This really is the best guacamole I've ever made.

Mrs. Nator's Killer Guac!

2 ripe avocados (nice and black)
1 lime, juiced
1 jalapeno pepper
1 small onion
½ clove garlic (or whole, depending on your taste)
1 tomato, seeded
Olive oil and salt to taste


  1. Anonymous6:40 PM

    hahahahaha. *catches breath* hahahahahaha

    i'm sure canada is nice. i don't know. it's far to north for me. besides, they wouldn't understand my accent.

  2. Speaking for all of Canada, believe me when I say, 'It's all good. We're still cool.'

    And as for me? I should probably add that I'm sorry (and the rest of the country is too, I'm sure) about the whole way Walsh screwed Sitting Bull and the Sioux and all that jazz by lying about Queen Victoria looking after them.

    To be fair, it was the BRITISH that fucked that up, not us. We weren't even technically an independent nation until 1982 when the Queen said we could be. Talk about over-protective parents.

  3. in that case let me be the first to apologise on behalf of the British!

  4. I missed this story. What are the militia fruitloops worried about? People entering the US with dangerous quantities of irony?

  5. pink: canada is great! and dont worry about the accent; they can deal wid'de accents, eh?
    CanS: welcome welcome! oh damn. you mean she ISNT? i just sent her a card for easter. shit. (thanks, sweetie. this is an issue that really bothers me. i feel so bad when i drive past and see those morons it almost makes me cry.)
    ziggi: goofy, isn't it? well, in turn, i'll apologize for 'The Dukes of Hazard'. all better!
    TIM!: if that were the case i'd be a stop on the underground railroad. no, what it boils down to is racism for these guys, whether they admit it or not. they're 'protecting' us from mexican agricultural workers.

  6. Scalp the bally lot of them FN

    Yours Faithfully
    Chief Sitting Beast

  7. beast: oh gross! come on, man, i'm trying to eat some dog here; do you mind?

  8. On behalf of our entire nation I apologize for Celine Dion.

  9. Anonymous7:53 AM

    My favouritest part of America is Canada ;o)

  10. Hardhouse is back!


  11. wait, what? people are waiting to shoot canadians at the border?? what did canada do? I am so out of the loop.

    can i just say - it's Canada for crissakes. Canadians are probably the nicest bunch of people grouped into one country. I mean, eerily nice, you know? this is all so baffling.

  12. Look America,you better straighten out and fly right!
    We've already introduced Universal Health Care, legalized Prostitution, Marijuana, same sex Marriage and conquered Hollywood by sending James Cameron to make Titanic and flooded the market with Canadian Comedians...all just to piss you off and make you jealous..nyeh!

    Don't make us do the unthinkable and make Spanish the official third language, redo our National Anthem in Hip Hop and offer seniors free Viagra!
    Seriously folks, You don't want to mess with 30 million passive aggressives!

  13. Lime juice is definitely the key.

    I live on this stuff and Sangria in the summer.

  14. Yep - big up to the lime! xx

  15. Is this for real? Has Unca Sam got some goons on the border? What a twerp!
    Re: the lime. Oh yes, lime is good.I like to use that lime-olive oil with avocado;makes a wicked partner for smoked salmon.
    Damn!Now I'm hungry!

  16. where'd you get the dried bay dugongs from?

  17. they make LIME olive oil?!
    that is so wrong.
    but ohso delicious sounding.

  18. Psst. I have a secret to tell you. Are you ready? The Canadians will never invade your state... because they are all in freakin NEW JERSEY!

    That's right, when we went on summer vacation down the shore when I was a kid, every hotel flew a Canadian flag, too, and you'd like as not here Frech spoken on the beach as dulcet Jersey tones.

    Those French Canadiens, they just loves them some funnel cakes and iron-on t-shirts!

    And OMG THE DUGONG! How could I not have realized that the dugong was the secret to perfect guac?

    Do you think a turtle will work in a pinch?

  19. I never really got down on that dip. Maybe I should loosen up and broaden my horizons.

    ALthough after penis cake, I don't know how much more I can broaden them!

  20. Well theres a turnup for the books , hardhouse back , a guacamole recipe and canada.
    So Fn who is your tribe ???
    and wheres the damn champ ???
    how can you have kosher salt ???
    its all questions , questions , questions

  21. MJ there is no excuse for Celine Dion....
    Go to your room young lady !

  22. mj: thank god someone iw willing to take responsibility! america salutes you, mj!
    mj: yeah i noticed!
    claire: it's a bunch of ultra right wing rednecks who are using homeland security as an excuse to practice a little 'practical racism' on any brown people they might happen across. FACT.
    homoE: AND you have the best IKEA in the western continental americas!
    mj: oh dang...been some years since i had sangria! more of a microbrew person m'self.
    rocky: word to yo mamma! and to the kidd valley burger babe.
    dinah: these inbreds are self appointed. they're the type of person who need an enemy to base their lives around so they can tie their shoes in the morning.
    pod: that's a real dugong. Pacific Northwest subspecies. it lives in plumbing.
    ssa: no kidding. that intriged me, too. hmmmmmmmmmm.....
    danator: no, all the canadians are HERE. and we're all THERE. and every holiday we all exchange populations back again, or so I assume given what happens on the roads around here come Victoria Day.
    turtles? maybe. dugong? definitely.
    awaiting: how much wider can those horizons get? I'd say that depends on just how big that penis-cake was, wouldn't you?

    beast: 1. white people. blood? probably warms springs/paiute but possibly about 100 or so others. including K'wawak'wakwa. (true.)
    2. poor champ; i have no idea. i miss his irascable, hairy ass. 3. it precipitates from a purified solution. you get only sodium chloride and the difference is astonishing! no inclusions. with sea salt you get fun things like clay, dried fish poop and whale eyeballs, and with mined salt you get salt plus whatever fell out of the pantslegs of the workers walking across it. ew.
    and no, there is no excuse for celine dion. and here is why:
    do a little scrolling. he has a youtube of Ms. Dion doing ACDC. the horror! the horror!