Monday, June 04, 2007

Green Winged Leech of Madness Bringing Active!

I got utterly trashed on illicit weapons-grade vicodin and beer the other day and it did me a world of good. I had a great time all afternoon long, and then went to have a fantastic nights' sleep. I woke without a hangover and I feel like a million bucks. Yes, kids, drugs are fun! Do some today!

This may come as good news to some of sure came as a complete suprise to me.
Middle age has given me back the exact same libido I had during puberty.
Oh yeah.
Yes, as my former fecundity sinks slowly into the west and I bid farewell to the HMS Menopause, I turn to face my husband of twenty years, and find him VERY GOOD INDEED.
As in 'call first; don't just drop by'.

Being ecumenical, I also find I have a renewed appreciation for such things as the truly spectacular rack on the little meadow blossom who works at the Pay-N-Run.
Just sayin'.

This, then, is middle age, ladies and gentlemen. It's like thirteen, only with more money, a somewhat greater understanding of how society operates* and a drivers' license.

It ain't bad.

The following is probably karma back at me for not buying locally, and so I humbly apologize to the universe and promise forevermore to let not my home improvement dollars wander any further than the Lynden Do-It Center (and not just because the name makes me snicker like a tard).

So we go in to town and hit Home Depot to buy some paint. Now Home Depot is kind of the B-list chain hardware outlet, so they dont' get the pick of the litter employee-wise. The hippobottomous behind the paint counter was a new low...flumping, sighing, rolling her eyes heavenward, sweating grapefruit and flicking attitude like a twelve year old girl. 'What? Huh? Duh?" she sneered at a customer who was insulting her by attempting to buy paint. She emphasized this by waving her hands about vaguely in midair to signify her complete inability to understand what poor Paint Customer was driving at as he meekly repeated 'I want a gallon of white paint, please...?" (or possibly she was shooing flies attracted by her shitty customer service skills.) Meanwhile her manager wrung his hands and paced and pretended to consult catalogues, wandered around like a lost puppy, followed a customer halfway down the aisle, and then turned away to follow another customer halfway down another aisle...fuck, it was painful.
We walked.
And the lame wad followed me! Shouting "Miss? Miss? Miss? Miss?"
I turned and looked at him, whereupon he turned to my HUSBAND (oh, he was racking up the points, I tell ya) and asked "Miss, is something wrong?"


Well, yes, quite a bit was wrong by that point.

A few days ago my Yummy Biker arrived home from work and announced 'I have a present for you!'
"OO! Whadja get me? Whadja get me?" I was bouncing around the kitchen like a small exciteable dog. "What is it? What is it?"
He pulled a huge, heavy rusted bolt from his lunchbox...a bolt that had been some time immersed in seawater, bizarre and corroded, complete with hexnut still attached to one end. He held it out proudly.
"Look!" he said. "It's a severed robot penis!"

*In my case this also includes the same utter disregard for the rules of society as I had when I was 13, but a greater knowlege of flammable materials.


  1. Yay for middle age , I am ripening nicely like an old cheese :-)

    I accompanied the lovely Nicola to B&Q (our version of home depot) to get plumbing supplies , now I dint know what the feck she was getting . i was just the driver, but everytime she asked the guy behind the counter about something , he very pointedly answered to me....even when I said what you telling me for I didnt say anything....he just looked a bit confused and repeated himself (to me) very loudly and very slowly.
    We gave up and left (very quickly as the lovely Nicola very pointedly called him a retard...he he).
    See now nobody ever brings me a robot penis....I feel deprived now :-(

  2. I need to be where you are because right now I'm in the perimenopause: my libido wandered off like a disgruntled cat.

  3. my drug taking mimics your libido. I take just as many now as i did 20 years ago.

    Are you using that robot knob then, or will you sell it to a sistah who isn't getting any lovin'??

  4. Anonymous10:01 AM

    erm, so i'm taking it yummy biker is in jail for beating up a home depot employee?

    when i get to middle age, i'll let you know. i'm still working on getting out of my 20's. darn it.

  5. FN, you give me so much hope. as one who is rapidly approaching 30 i am very wary of thing they call Middle Age (unlike the thing they call the Middle Ages, a subject on which I'm an expert. *snort*). It's good to know I can look forward to being knowledgable, financially independent, and horny as all get out. that sounds like paradise, that do.

    i want a robot penis.

  6. "This may come as good news to some of you...Middle age has given me back the exact same libido I had during puberty."
    Sorry to disappoint you, but if you are in some way expecting me to help or take part, then I will have to decline, much as I love and respect you. There is just so much that a man can do.

  7. I don't think I could cope with a high libido as I grow older, especially as my body mass now seems to consist of ninety eight per cent cellulite. It wouldn't be fair on anyone that I wanted to project the libido on ... well, unless it was in total darkness, anyway.

  8. Anonymous2:45 PM

    Humph! I have the libido of a dead se a slug and am slowly joining it in the sea bottom...and you are older than me.

  9. beast: i think i love the Lovely Nicole! and a severed robot penis is something that you have to isn't just bestowed at random. start commiting bible verses to memory.

    ara: yeah, i spent entirely too long there myself. and just when i'd resigned myself to being a boring old hag WHAMMO! the ho' mones (as 'twere) came roaring back!

    junglyjane: it depends on the thread...are you right or left hand twist?

    pink: no, we both just walked out shaking our heads./use your twenties wisely, my dear. if you aint causing trouble get out there NOW and drop trou!

    cb: see your sidebar...dont you have a linkie for Toys in Babeland?
    tell ya what, thats why i posted this up. I caught this stupidass thing on Oprah on women aging and NOBODY said a goddamn thing worth listening to. except i did learn that your pit hair falls out eventually. huh!

    vicus: either you need to go back and read this post, or...that strange feeling you've been experiencing 'down south'? thats seagull feet. they're using it to roost on during those loooooooong transatlantic flights. in which case i am impressed, and more than a little alarmed.

    betty: so then you mean to tell me Benny Hill was nothing but a cruel lie? I thought that's all y'all did was chase each other around in parks and play hide the salami in a big ol pile back in the shrubbery plantings. and whap little bald guys on the head.

    Mr.The Dog: so chunks of you fall off at random and grow new Muttleys? or was 'Sea Bottom' a coded reference ? see bottom, fetch bottom? 'Marine' life?
    see, all this double entendre is doing WONDERS for me.

  10. I am still laughing at you, hippobottomus (my bad) plus I had the voice-over gal from the song Baby Got Back, remember the intro..
    narrating the entire post! That 'whatever intonation' is exactly the snooty ditzy voice that I would expect from your paint gal.

    I am delighted that you have been raptured by the warm embrace of the Autumn of your Time..and Vicodin.
    Just say MAYBE to Drugs.

  11. Anonymous12:50 PM

    I have a lot of catching up to do, so I'll be back for the other posts, but this is good information to know because I seem to be in that perimenopause stage now myself - that &/or the meds I take = not so horny.

    I'm not ready to be an old hag (either is Scissors quite frankly)Me so horny, me love you long time. I'll be back.

  12. that last anecdote?
    it sums up you and Dad's relationship more than I'd ever imagined was possible.
    So. Fuckin. Strange.


    my calla lillies keep dying, come over and look at them and yell at em or something. i is to crying for sadness of putrifying plant flesh.

  13. You got utterly trashed on illicit weapons-grade vicodin and beer the other day and it did you a world of good.

    I got utterly trashed on some bad ass 211 beer, black and mild cigars and it did my poor wee sould a heck a lot of good.

    Yes, in the morn, I did not know my own name.



    What the heck ya tawkin' about!?

  14. Anonymous10:24 PM

    awaiting was just hoping that getting drunk would make her current life a dream and she'd wake up with no hubby, no kids, and no arkansas.

  15. That's the butchest dildo I ever heard of.

  16. So to sum up,

    Substance abuse.
    Middle aged hornyness.
    Poor customer service.
    Robot mutilation.

    One day that sums up my life.

  17. Anonymous3:32 PM

    I thought I would just get smashed and hope for the best...

  18. DIY store assistant = retard.

    They make them wear stupid uniforms over here. Perhaps this is the root cause of their utter fuckwitedness

  19. I'd just like to add my congratulations to Yummy Biker for being up for all this. The man's The Man, clearly.

  20. Anonymous3:05 PM

    I am in dire need of votes in the Blogpower awards via the link on the right of my bog. Cats 1 and 14 - at the moment the forces of reaction are winning! Rally the people to me Ms FN!! I am relying on you!

  21. Funny post, I will be back. really I am not a stalker, just looking for stuff to amuse me. Keep up the funny stuff.