Sunday, June 10, 2007

Whoomp! There it is!

This morning I wake up and hear a shouted conversation in the darkness.
"Wash the baby? She has? In the house? Where in the house? Where's the other one? What?"

I roll over and return briefly to the dream I was having: upper-class Catholic Teddy Bears had tricked me into attending Mass in a spectacular Baroque chapel in order to revive my interest in Catholocism. At the eleventh hour I discover the horrible secret of the pious Teddy Bears: hoardes of enslaved Graham Cracker Babies forced to mine coal deep beneath the Teddy Bear Town, never seeing the light of day, cruelly mistreated by Teddy Bear overseers. 'Ha! I said triumphantly to my dismayed companions. "I bet there's no Sundays off in church for the poor Graham Cracker babies!"

My Biker rushed in at this point. " You want we wash the baby, we have it now over going up!"
I sat on the edge of the bed and struggled with this.
" I said, Lori had their baby on the living room and we have to wash the baby over" he repeated.
"Why do we have to wash a baby?" I asked, thinking 'Yeah, someone's sleepwalking again. I'll get his ass calmed down and sat on the couch and pretty soon he'll just keel over and fall back asl-
" Watch. Watch. We have to watch Alex. Lori had her baby" he repeated.
Oh.
Well fine.
"You drive," I said.

We showed up at Lori's door at the same time the EMT's, two police cars AND the fricken' Border Patrol arrived. I'm sure the Minuteman Militia were out there in the darkness somewhere too, just in case she had a couple of Al Quaida operatives up there.

It is 2: 45 a.m. Lori greets us with a cheerful 'Hi!"
Lori is in her bathrobe and flannel nighgown, sitting on the floor next to the sofa, smiling calmly, not one hair disturbed, not one droplet of sweat on her face. She is holding a tiny, tiny purple baby, who is is yawning. The only evidence that a dramatic natural process has occurred here is Lori's fuzzy bunny slippers, which are drenched in blood. Apparently between the time her water broke as she was fast asleep in bed and the time she had waddled as far as the front room, the baby just sort of blooped out, like a little purple bungee jumper.
" Yeah, it was fast," explained new dad, completely at sea. "I looked over to ask her something while I was on the phone talking to the EMT's and there was another face looking at me."
Meanwhile Lori gathered up her baby, put a little newborn's hat on him (which went right down over his little head past his nose) and walked over to the gurney, where the EMT's strapped her down and shuttled her away to the ambulance.
The Biker and I picked up their sleeping two-year-old and took him home with us while the new dad followed mom in his car.

Mommy and baby are fine. He weighed in at 5 lbs, two ounces. I've made loaves of bread bigger than that. His name is Sean.
We call him 'Speedy'.

23 comments:

  1. question: why was he purple?

    well, for someone who just had a baby, and with no drugs, lori sounded awfully chipper.

    little sean. how cute.

    did biker tear up at the pretty scene?

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  2. pink: 1. because he was new. new babies are purple. it's just a thing they do, like crapping weird stuff for a couple of days.
    2. i could have pinched her, smiling moo-cow. when i had mine, it looked and sounded like eight hours of fricken' Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
    3. Yummy Biker wandered around with a big ol cheesy grin on his face. of course now he is avoiding the infant because he says infants are 'squitty'.

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  3. I just love the way dreams mash up reality like it was wet newspaper. I also dream a lot, but my ability to remember a lot of it comes and goes.

    Little petal's little petal's first daughter was born with blue hands and feet. The hospital assured her it was normal in mixed-race babies, then a few weeks later diagnosed a heart abnormality, (which they treated).

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  4. oH nO , Is this just a clever wheeze to introduce some placenta based recipes again.
    You know what happened last time

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  5. I was born orange. But that's another story, and a slightly distressing one.

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  6. I was born blue. It's the truth.

    Orange is more flattering, I think.

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  7. wow. that's quite a night.

    it's a fact that newborn babies look like aliens. creepy purple aliens.

    who is lori, btw?

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  8. damn. that's the kind of delivery i want -- sleep through the labor, wake up when my water breaks, say "Ooh!" and meet the new sprog. Way to go, Lori!

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  9. Sean is a good name. Congratulations grandma!

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  10. sopwith: my daughters baby was born a beautiful cerulean blue, like Krsna. a couple of days later he turned orange from bilirubin. that, or there's gecko dna lurking somewhere.

    beast; yeah, YOU posted a recipe for a PLACENTA SMOOTHIE! and it still makes me cry!

    tim: that was one of the colors my grandson turned!

    ara: and that was also one of the colors my grandson turned!

    claire: this little guy is pretty squashy, for sure. 'Lori' is married to one of the Yummy Biker's friends.

    cb; no kidding. the myth is, you forget the pain. NO, YOU DON'T.

    realdoc: oh, i'm not the grandma here. i'm just the future babysitter. but i have to agree, sean is a great name. beats Tupac, anyway.

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  11. What excitement!

    Did anyone puke cuz of all the blood/gunge etc? I expect I would have...

    If you think it might add drama to have someone faint or throw up I am happy to accompany you next time this happens...

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  12. btw - send me your email address and i'll forward you a copy of my open letter. :)

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  13. Congratulations to Mom, Dad and Sean! Very cute!

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  14. Aww, congratulations family!

    (a little purple bungee jumper. heh)

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  15. Congrats! Please don't tell us what you've done with the placenta! ...
    OK. I've got to know, who's freezer?

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  16. SEE the placenta horror is starting all over again

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  17. If they threw away the placenta, y'all could always eat the bunny slippers...

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  18. My word, all this giving birth stuff sounds like a complete breeze. Must try it sometime...

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  19. mr.the dog: there really wasn't any, apart from the trashed bunny slippers. it was like someone MAILED it to her or something. bitch.

    claire: done and read. the flames and smoke were interesting. my monitor has melted and my hard drive is making wookie noises.

    christine: i will pass thees on!

    alala: i keep imagining this 'zzzzWANGANGANGANG gadang gadang...dang...dang...' sound effect and snickering.

    ziggi: the EMT's took it away. Chili dinner at the station house!
    ...now just LOOK at what you people are doing to me; i never make jokes like this, dammit.

    beast: you like recipes, huh? like those smoothies, do ya? ok, mr. beast. ok then......*cackling ominously*

    danator: oh for the luvva NOW THAT'S ENOUGH! jesus h. christ on a red bicycle, y'all!

    junglyjane: buy a dog. trust me.

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  20. can we like never mention anything remotely having to do with placenta ever again? the thought of eating it or looking at it are making me nauseous.

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  21. Do you get to be godparents or something equivalent to that?

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  22. pink; that's OK by me!

    gail: welcome welcome! i think we're just designated 'safe' babysitters. we might not be the wisest choice as traditional godparents anyway *evil cackle*

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  23. Dang it woman, she had the labor I wanted, instead of the forty-eight hour chainsaw massacre one you seem to have shared with me!

    Congrats on the new one!!

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