********************
As I was sitting in my backyard
A UFO touched down
An Alien kinda guy got out
And took a look around
His head was like a chicken
the rest of him was too
a headless naked chicken
without no feeties, ew.
The crew jumped out the hatchway
and shouted 'Hip Hooray!
They all took off on bicycles
and went to Monterey.**
The captain sat his chicken butt
right down upon my lawn
the grass all died and I got mad
but all he did was yawn.
I ran and got the garden hose
I turned it on him, hard
He ran into the garage
and hid, 'cause he was scar'd.
In haste he'd dropped his spaceship keys
I grabbed them (you know me)
I jumped into the drivers seat
And backed into a tree.
I think I might have squashed a kid
I think I greased his cat
It may have hit the windsheild
It sounded pretty flat.
But once I figured out the dash
My Native ass was flying
I flew out past the nudist camp
and did some nekkid spying.
I chased some cows, I chased some nuns
I buzzed the local Wal-Mart
I chased a bunch of fat guys
...the running made them all fart.
As I was doing loop de loops
Over City Hall
The Minuteman Militia
responded (at a crawl)
Beau loaded up his shotgun
with rocksalt, nails and phlegm
Cyrus grabbed a shortcase
and tossed a beer to Clem
Abner lobbed some dirtclods
I dodged them all with ease
I lit a joint and flipped them off
The rednecks were not pleased.
So now I have a spaceship
It makes commuting fun
Traffic aint an issue
with your phasers to 'stun'.
My Biker customised it
With kickass thumpin tunes
a Hemi with a blower
ghost flames and baby moons.
As for the spaceman-chicken
He lives in my garage
He really keeps the mice down,
But he's getting kinda large.
_________________________________
**...but they got lost, because they forgot to bring a map.
I'm the first to say "you're funny."
ReplyDeleteYou're also a bit of a fibber cos you said you can't right rhymes.Bulldust! Do it again.
(Are those border patrollers really named like that?)
I...
ReplyDeleteOh, hell, I can't even think about this. I've got to go...
dinahMow: yes, they are. honest to snot they call themselves the Minuteman Militia. they park their stupidass vehicles on the border between here and Canada and wear camo and have binoculars and walkie talkies and are a bunch of assholes trying to save us from al quaida. or mexican migrant workers. something.
ReplyDeletedanator: you go right on ahead and ENJOY HAWAII! Wanna moka fati? Kamanya wana parti? Rockya fuckin buttoff! ( so smashed.)
the fun you can have with an oven ready chicken !!!!!
ReplyDeleteI want to believe that it's all true. I live my life vicariously through the more interesting lives of others.
ReplyDeleteI want a spaceship.
Of course it's all true. Everything FN writes is proper scientifically proven fact.
ReplyDeleteThat was so fun to read, not a fan of anything remotely looking like poetry but I could read this stuff all day.
ReplyDelete"Walmart... all fart"
ReplyDeletepure, unadulterated, GENIUS. Rhyme is much more than just a nice-sounding poetic devise to make verse more aesthetically pleasing to the ear. it can, in the hands of a master, have a profound impact on the meaning of the poem. take Chaucer's 'Shipman's Tale.' In that poem all words petaining to sex are rhymed with words pertaining to money. It subtly conveys how the character of the Shipman viewed sex as a comodity, utterly devoid of emotion and purely something to be used and traded. Here you have rhymed Walmart with fart. It is my interpretation that this conveys a semantic link between the multinational megacorporation and a bunch of smelly hot air contributing to global warming. Clearly Ms. Nations is making a statement about the ultimate futility of capitalism (it will disperse in a vapor, having left nothing productive behind) and the short-term unpleasantness of same. This is a work of poetic, political genius the likes of which have not been written since the days of Swift. Ms. Nations, I commend you.
*stands up and applauds*
too damn funny, sugar! and i have the coffee splattered desktop to prove it!! LMFAO!!!!
ReplyDeleteKEEP TAKING YOUR MEDICATION MY DEAR.
ReplyDeleteYou know the trouble you got into with that muskrat the last time you laid off the lithium.
I feel sorry for the cat!
ReplyDeleteMe likey.
ReplyDeleteGo easy on those little mushrooms with the tiny pointed top.
ReplyDeleteEvery time I sang 'It Ain't Necessarily So', I used to thrill at:
ReplyDelete"He made his home in
That fish's abdomen".....
You give old Cole a run for his money and that ain't hay!
A ha ha ha - I'm loving the last shot - cold sticky chicken on cold toilet rim - ugh but oh so funny.
ReplyDeleteI never knew Jim Croce took any publicity shots posing in a bathtub with a nude chicken carsus. Cool!
ReplyDeleteThat was too excellent.
ReplyDeleteFor these lines alone, I could go away in a better mood:
"But once I figured out the dash
My Native ass was flying
I flew out past the nudist camp
and did some nekkid spying."
And flipping off the Minutemen part was pretty damn funny. Capping off with the "pardon me, is this Monterey?" was just the perfect touch.
High time I got back for a visit ay?
I don't think I'll be able to eat chicken anymore, thanks to that vampire/bat chicken picture.
ReplyDeleteBut I did laugh.
I didn't know you had the Minutemen up there. I mean, the border with Canada? There has got to be fuck all for them to do there but smoke weed. The ones down in the Arizona desert must be jealous.
I want chicken for me dinner now and I want to go to Hawaii.
ReplyDelete***looks at single rasher of bacon left in fridge and can of baked beans
Life is full of dissapiontments :-(
And this (your posts) is the reason I should stay at home instead of going on holidays.
ReplyDeletebeast: it's true.
ReplyDeleteBetty: you can borrow mine but please return it with a full tank.
hendrix:you poor sucke-i mean, yes, of course, you're right. science.
gale: sometimes the muse beckons. this time the muse was a bald chicken.
cb: *snif* thank GOD, you get me! it's so gratifying to finally be UNDERSTOOD by someone!
savannah: sweet tea, i bet. mmmmmmm, sweet tea. not THAT sweet, tea, just in general sweet tea.
garfy: and this is me ON prozac, kids. no net, either.
ziggy: you would. stupid cat.
billy:thankee!
sopwith: what mushrooms? *hides 'chocolate milkshake', looks around innocently*
ara: i always liked
'I started this heat waaaaave,
by
BOOM DE BOOM! BOOM DE BOOM!
YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! '
('making her seat wave' implied.)
rocky: it must be an aquatic chicken, i figure.
kristy: Croce isn't really dead, you know. He's working South America in the chicken porn industry. (looks exactly like my Bikers' useless friend George... the guy in the tub does. Not the toilet chicken.)
G: you see what you miss? cultchuh! nuttin but cultchuh!
fatty: oh, we do. and they're a huge, sad joke and an embarrassement to the nation here, too. right wing loser shitheads.
beast; come over to frobi's and I'll make you a nice sandwich while you and JungleJane tp his garden!
mj: you spent your vacation with a leggy naked woman frolicking in front of the mirror and taking doidy pichers of each others bits and you want me to believe WHAT?
PSHAW I say.
...stop me if my fantasy life is getting a little florid here.
ReplyDelete