Sunday, September 09, 2007

oh for fucks sake enough of that already.

Instead, lets all take a trip...TO CANADA!

Canada is a lovely country filled to overflowing with scenic wonders and untapped natural resources that the rest of the world, particularly America, really need a lot more than the Canadians do. They're just wasting them. All they do is run around all over the place saying "Whoa, this is really scenic, eh? Gimme a Labatts, eh?" Which is really sucky beer, but not as bad as Buckhorn. Or Kootenai, which really blows goats. I mean, my God....take it from Opie; a dog who knew what good tasting ass was all about

But anyway, its really pretty there. They have elk, caribou and moose. This is why Canadians play hockey, or at least it's a good a reason as any. You can play hockey too! All it is, is whapping a puck with this big wood thing into a goal past a bunch of guys with no teeth. You need a puck, which is a fossilized little biscuitty thing, and a hockey stick, which is a big hitty wood thing.
...Eleanor Roosevelt, center, Toronto Maple Leafs. Eye of the tiger!

Many famous people come from Canada and go on to play a major role on the world stage. In order to reach America and eventual fame,though, they must first cross the fearsome LIONS GATE BRIDGE. Sadly, many hundreds of aspiring comedians, folk singers and comedians each year fail this all-important test.
Yes, you have to click on this. Do it.

...a gauntlet of pain must be run to reach the the shining land of opportunity and poor medical care that is AMERICA.

The Canadian Government is made up of a Parliamentary thing, because they couldn't come up with a better idea so they copied England. Aside from the part where they get to wear wigs, nobody understands Parliament or how it works, so they depend on their King and Queen to sort things out.
...Queen Marge, standing in front of Parliament. 'The first one who leaves gets 5667.89 liters of cold steel right through the brisket!' she proclaims during a recent session.

...George Washington, King of Canada, fights a lone war on crime in the vast wastelands of the Canadian veldt.



People in Canada speak two languages. American, and a made up one they stole from the old kids show 'Zoom'. They say it's French but they just do that to try and sound all cool. It's embarrassing.

"Yobbung bubblack mubbale
ubbI trubby tubboo ebbfect bubby kibbicking thbbuh fubbacts
abbnd stbbacking mubbuch mubbail
I'bbum pabbacking abbuh gabbat cubbuz gubbuys wabbanna jabback
abbnd fubbuck gobbibbin tubboo jabbail
Cubbuz ubbI aibbun't equbbippebbed tubboo stobbop hobbow ubbI lobbok..."
...former rap star Tupac Fitzpatrick Abulbul Emir, 'Yobboung Babblack Mabbale' from his Canadian release "2bbupobbacabbalybbps Nobbow"




COOL THINGS TO SEE AND DO IN CANADA:
Harrison Hot Springs is outrageously cool. There are no Scotsmen. Set ridiculously far from the main highway, Harrison Hot Springs is a small resort town in the middle of the most gorgeous mountain scenery you have ever sceneried. They have a head shop and a place where you can buy expensive chocolates!

White Rock: Another small resort town on the very tippy edge of Canada, White Rock exists for no good reason I can figure out.
...official seal of the city, 'White Rock Says Well Come!"

Basically it's a bunch of Canadians in a good mood all wandering around buying overpriced ice cream, watching hang gliders crash into the overhead powerlines. And you gotta admit it doesn't get much better than that.

Vancouver BC: the most beautiful and interesting city in North America. Period. Also home to the hardest working, most ambitious homeless people in North America. They will flat detail your entire car in the time it takes for the traffic light to change from red to green, give you change for a 50.00, run your credit card, contact your bank and give you a reciept.
Vancouver has the best food, the best entertainment, the best slums, the best business district, farmers market, haunted shit, views, ever'THANG. Plus, you can actually walk up to an actual store IN VANCOUVER IN BROAD DAYLIGHT IN FRONT OF COPS with a storefront that says 'Pot Store! Buy Pot Here! This is the Pot Store Where The Pot is!' and you can buy a big ol' shitload of ganja in that store from real store employees who sell pot. Canada is A CIVILIZED MO'FUKKIN NATION, FOLKS.
...drugs are readily available in Canada to anyone with enough green

Vancouver Art Museum located, sensibly enough,in Vancouver BC.
...note: image shown is much smaller than actual size.
This is a perfect example of everything that is cool and surreal about Canada. They had this lovely old territorial-era building in the middle of town that they wanted to turn into a museum. Problem was, it was too small, plus it was falling apart. So they cored out the interior, braced up the shell, and then hired, I dunno, Frank Gehry or someone, handed him a martini and told him to basically run nuts inside this hollowed-out building. Surprise us. Let's see what ya got, modern boy. What he came up with is an interior which is three times larger than the total exterior footprint of the building.
Plus there's art. You can't have any of it, but it's there.

Canadian Citizens are by and large a lovely group of folks.
...even musicians are welcome in Canada
This is the worst thing that ever happened to me in Canada:
One evening I was stopped at a light in a very, very bad part of Hastings Avenue. I swear to you this had nothing whatsoever to do with the dead prosti
Anyway, while I was stopped there a group of genuinely terrifying, evil looking punk goth meth zombies sauntered across the street just in front of my car. They all turned and looked at me with their freaky dialated eyeballs. And they catcalled me.
You know what they said?
"Yanks, eh? So. Come up to check out Canada, eh?"

This is a true story.

31 comments:

  1. honey, any place above tennessee is considered canada to me. y'all all talk the same anyway. can't understand a thing you yanks say. oh, and that red-green show kills me. loved all the handy tips they gave. they were like the rednecks of the north.

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  2. Pink: duct tape: the handymans friend! the universal adaptor! that harold makes me feel all funny, too.

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  3. The blog world keeps getting funnier and funnier as I discover all these great peoples incredibly witty writings.

    I have to go change now because you've made me pee myself laughing!

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  4. How do you know about Marg, Princess Warrior?

    And Harold, the hottest man in Canada?

    These are our proud-to-be-Canadian secrets you're exposing,eh?

    I'll have more to say later when I finish this doobie.

    And when I've wiped up the wet spot Rimshot left behind.

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  5. rimshot: first, sir, you take an awful chance with that moniker here at my high-class blog. secondly, thank you. i exist to make grown men pee. it's what i do. pretty much. X!

    mj: you see? you see? you had to get all 'Y' with stuff and now HERE IT COMES. yeah. that's right. anyway, living so close to the border, canadian tv comes in way better than murkan. this hour has 22 minutes? the red green show? YEAH baby, YEAH! harold dorkman spooner mepps green can eat saltines in my canoe any time!

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  6. Fuckin eh. A polar bear just wandered into my back yard.

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  7. That last guy is the guy I fell in love with! He ruined my life! I'll kill the basterd!

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  8. MJ: see what happens when you don't sit like a lady?

    W2: it's the strange allure of the mysterious NORTH calling, calling from the depths of his astigmatic yet strangely hypnotic gaze...

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  9. I couldn't seem to get past the big ol' pecker that dude was packing.

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  10. Canadains are just polite Yanks its like the US is the evil twin.

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  11. Why does the big pecker come out of his scrotum?

    I heard a story that the a Welsh male voice choir was snubbed in a French bar for speaking English. They spent the rest of the evening speaking Welsh.

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  12. hendrix12:54 AM

    Unfortunately I can never ever visit Canada as F's ex wife is Canadian and chances are that, vast as the country is, I'd bump into her. So thank you for the mini tour...

    Mind you, after looking at some of those pictures I'm not sure that I'd want to visit anyway!

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  13. I have always wanted to visit Canada....something about the mountains and the other pretty stuff reminds me of home.......but after reading your post, I can only say....

    "Fuck the pretty stuff....I need to get me one of those bridges!!!"

    Although maybe the dude with the huge dick would have to go first before I stepped foot in the place....the size of that thing was FRIGHTENING!!!!!!
    X

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  14. first nations has got a stalker! woohoo!

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  15. awaiting: you didn't know Canada has unicorns, didja.

    knudie: the evil COOL twin.

    tick: it's a mystery. and yay for the welshies! no one over the age of 8 should be forced to speak UbbyDubby.

    hendrix: oh, go visit, eh? polar bears have probably eaten the evil X anyway.

    punkin: odd; i found mr. unicorn strangely alluring. poor bastard is gritting his teeth so he doesn't pass out from lack of blood flow.

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  16. pink: sadly no; just a porn spambot trolling for emails. dammit.

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  17. "A Canadian is someone who knows how to make love in a canoe."
    -- Pierre Berton

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  18. mj: as long as the canoe is ON DRY LAND. or on top of a car.

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  19. Judging from that pic, I think I now know why the Canadians are such nice and happy folks!

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  20. Why can't Fodor's be more like you?

    P.S.: I am eagerly awaiting your review of Greenland.

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  21. I do wish you hadn't put that picture of the large boner on this post, my co worker Trish nearly blew her dentures three desks away , the situation only being made worse by me enlarging the picture while i was in a state of panick trying to close the window down and Trish swallowed her tongue.....ho hum I am probably going to be frogmarched out of the building by a human resources swat team at any moment
    Harumph

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  22. so what you're really saying is you want a stalker? cause if you do, i'll give you one of mine.

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  23. so what's wrong with Scotsmen? Scotsmen have big cabers.

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  24. Apparently Canadians say "eh" and "aboot" a lot.

    Do we still own Canada?

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  25. Brent Everett is Canadian! Little Big League:2nd innings is a Chez Naff favourite in the Porn Collection.

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  26. hoosier: doesn't he look happy? it could just be gas, though.

    danator: but i never beened to greenland!

    beast: you'll have to pardon me while i try to care. ok. i'm trying. *hGNHnnnnnnnnn* really, i'm trying *ghhHHHHHHNNNnnnnnnn* ok, i think it's....nope.

    pink: you have a stalker? wtf is it with you southern broads? you, awaiting, stalkers all over the place. sure, gimme a couple.

    cb: harrison hot springs is a scotsmen-free zone. the geyser foos their skirts up and it scares them. these are timid woodland scotsmen, remember, not hardy scottish scotsmen.

    frobisher: yes, you own Canada. and I've been meaning to ask you if i could buy Vancouver Island. I have 2 dollars in quarters. *hurriedly hits google:image BRENT EVERETT*

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  27. fn - thought you knew that's why i moved. to confuse them. and if you buy vancouver island, does that make you queen?

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  28. Have you ever eaten a Canadian dish called poutine?

    The holy trinity of fries, gravy and cheese curds?

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  29. Just wondering....where do you find your pictures. Or do you have camera ready for any situation? Now, I have to go back and read all over again then pack to travel to Canada. AA?

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  30. pink: EMPRESS.

    mj: I've heard of it, and i've had fries and gravy. it sounds yummy, though. got two of the four basic food groups going for it too; cheese and gravy.

    gale: i play a game called 'google:image roulette'. i search images, and i enter the weirdest, most random words and phrases i can think of with my theme in mind. then i harvest the images that crack me up and save them to my hard drive so i'm not hotlinking. blogger saves them to an image file after a couple of weeks, then i delete them.

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  31. MJ,
    Why do they titter so?
    Centuwion! Welease the Bwitish Cowumbians! Wun over the Gowden Gate Bwidge and get WEVENGE!

    Very funny expose of Lotusland.

    Do you know why Canadians all live within an hour's drive of the US border...
    because when the sh*t goes down you are going to have 33 million new illegal immigrants.
    That IS our National Defense Policy.

    And you're worried about your Southern Border..pffft!
    Mexicans Schmexicans.

    You're not the only country that wants all of our virgins or our virgin resources.

    Lately Burkina Faso has been giving us a sideways glance that we do not appreciate, not one little bit...and I don't care for the saber rattling going on in Vanuatu either.
    Stupid Dumbhead Bully!

    Yessirree aggressive countries like those two 'psychos' make our Royal Canadian Navy (both Schooners) pretty f*ckin nervous eh.

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