Thursday, October 04, 2007

More of the same, unfortunately.
The Playboy of the Western World just called, and the Biker is taking him in to the emergency ward again...same shit, different day.
Here is the deal in a nutshell:
The man is dying by inches. Inches. I go between hoping against hope that he'll get better and hoping that he'll just fucking get it over with and die already because I'm sick of it. Just sick of it. I know this is selfish. I know there's no way I'm anywhere near as sick of it as he is, and I know that if it were me, I'd be terrified too and want my family too...but I'm just so sick of it. I'm tired of worrying, I'm tired of caring.
I have the flu. If I would have gone in this afternoon, if I had taken him in to the emergency ward, I could have infected him, which very likely could have killed him.
My husband went in instead.
He has the flu too.
I'm scared to death and I'm hoping against hope and you can take that any way you want to because it all applies.
Fuck this.


  1. FN you're too ill to cope with stuff like this at the moment. Flu's hell - the body and mind just dissolve into a miasma of misery. You're obviously a very strong woman so take a break, look after yourself and get better.

  2. crazyrivergirl is right, you are sick and so you have no energy to be sympathetic or helpful. You are human. I hope you feel better and I hope the Playboy does too.

  3. miasma... :)

    Just worry about getting yourself better. That's the best thing you can do at the moment (unless catastrophe strikes and then really what can you do anyway?).

    If you stop being a cranky sick person, I'll tell you the liver story. (there's a part about wooden shoes in it)

  4. Watching someone we care about slowly die is torture hun, sheer torture, add to the mix the guilt you feel when you find yourself wishing that it would just end, for EVERYONES sake and then on top of that having the flu and feeling so tired from makes for a fucking horrible time.

    Your human honey (even if you seem almost supernaturally fantastic at times to folk like myself) and you need to give yourself a break. Feeling the way you do and given the circumstances, I'd say it's entirely bloody understandable that you want it to stop for both you and the one you love!

    I send both you and playboy hugs (though I know they're pretty useless things at the moment) and hope that the shitty and sucky stuff ends soon in whichever way that happens to be, for you both.

  5. Sorry to repeat everything above but you can't be expected to cope when you're ill yourself.
    Get fit and get strong again. You WILL cope. Just take care of YOURSELF for once. God bless (if that makes sense, coming from an atheist?)

  6. Anonymous1:17 PM

    as everyone before me has said it already, no need to reiterate.

    i know you love playboy. but at this point, i think everyone including him, is anticipating the inevitable.

  7. Sounds like you are ready for some me time. You gotta take care of you first of all or you aren't worth a darn for anyone else. Yee gawds I should be telling me this. Anyhoo, get some rest, take some vitamins, and think happy nonviolent thoughts. I am sending you strong thoughts of recovery. Now be good!!!

  8. crg: i need BEER. oo wait, i have beer! never mind!

    carmentza: i will be around to visit you soon...the crt is making my brain hurt at the mo. thank you sweetie.


    punkin: thank you. hugs are good. i'll take 'em!

    reg: yes, it does. thank you.

    pink: and that's the whole point, really. you nailed it.

    dinahmow: XOO

    gale: send strong 'beer' vibes, too. anything helps!

  9. It's not an easy place for anybody, is it? Sucks. Here's some beer, I'll have one with you.

  10. thinking of you and raising my glass in spirit (whiskey as it happens - v good for flu) - look after yerself then you can look after everyone else. Oh look they've all said that already, so ditto!

  11. hendrix3:29 AM

    What they all said...hx

  12. Only so much a body can take and you've definitely got more than your fair share. You must have a very strong spirit.

    Do what you need to get better. Love and peace to you.

  13. i know what you're feeling, honestly. when i was four years old my grandfather was given 3 months to live. (liver cancer and diabetes.) he finally cacked it when i was 19. fifteen years it took him to die. my entire life at that point. he'd been a dying man for my entire life. i never knew him when he wasn't dying. fucking hell it wears. not inches, nanometers.


    i remember, when i was about 18, someone did one of the most kind things for me imaginable. at that time grampa had been in a nursing home with severe dementia for a couple years (didn't even recognize us any more) and every time i set foot outside the house some well-wisher would ask me "so how's your grampa doin, then?" (damn small town. everyone knows everything about everybody.) what was i supposed to say to that??? after a while the response became formulaic: "about as well as can be expected, thanks for asking." (my foot.) day in and day out, the same question, "how's your grampa." he was in a world of his own. didn't know his ass from a hole in the ground. it was the family that was suffering and going insane with the stress of it all. then one day, out of the blue, a friend of my mom's called. i told her i'd get mom but she said no, she wanted to talk to me. she asked me how I was doing. I think she was the first person to ask me that question in about 4 years. I was so grateful I cried.

    so, yeah. it's a nightmare. you either want the wonderful person you knew and love to come back, or you want the body lay down and end it. the in-between is shit for everyone involved. i don't fear death, but i'm scared shitless of dying.

    {{{{{more hugs}}}}}

  14. My dad died after a 30-year battle with alcoholism. My mom died after a 1-year battle with cancer. I can really understand your ambivalence, because I had it (have it) too. I miss them every day, but remembering them so wasted and worn before the end, I'm not sorry that they're free now. The process sure sucked, though.