Friday, January 18, 2008

Robert Patrick UPDATED: now with more pictures!

I can't think of another actor with as interesting a career trajectory as Robert Patrick, but then it's early too. For some reason, someone early on decided that Mr. Patrick had a 'science fiction' face.
...this guy here. Robert Patrick. you know exactly who i mean.

See, that's not a conclusion I would have made. As one reviewer pointed out back in 1984, 'he doesn't look particularly creepy or villainous; he looks more like a really mean waiter'.* And in his younger years, he resembled nothing so much as one of those rough trade boys Armani used to pull off the boulevard and stick a suit on. Which was niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice.

I digress. Ahem.

Suddenly he turns up in one of the best, quirkiest science fiction screamers of the last 20 years; The Faculty.** If you haven't seen it; do's that rarity, a well written, well acted scifi. (I don't even remember what the space monster looked like, but it could shoot out disgusting babies that would tunnel into your skin. Which is rad.)

Robert Patrick plays the coach of the football team. At first glance this seems like a miscast. Every high school football coach I've ever seen was fat, middle aged, bitter and drank heavily, screamed often and had delusions of past glory. Patrick, however, captured the sneering, macho, 'Head Thug' attitude perfectly. And when he goes over....oh my. Oh gracious me.

Next he crops up in That Which May Not Be Named.
...i hate even looking at the cover ew ew ew ew ew

Here he doesn't play much of a role, but he gets to add another well done, memorable scifi to his credits, and look cute in a beard. Aaaaaaand she skips over this quickly......

And then we come to Terminator 2.
I had no idea prior to this movie that a medium sized man of average looks could generate this much menace simply with an expression. Add that to the fact that he's this fucking insane evil robot that can turn into shit and grow swords out of the end of his arms and kill the fuck out of you and ruin your WHOLE, everyone talked about him on the way out of the theater. "Who was that guy who played the cop? You know....'Saaaaaaaay....that's a nice bike' that guy. The melty robot guy. God he was cool!"

Next we see him pop up in 'The X Files'. And he does a creditable job here; he's vivid enough to hold his own against the glorious Dana Scully, but he was merely placeholding for Fox Mulder and everyone knew that. Which was sad; I was getting kind of sick of Mulders' weak chin and whiny problems. Mr. Patrick would have been a dynamic replacement-but of course then Dukovney returned the next season. Still, another groundbreaking, memorable scifi gets added to Bob's credits.

The next time I saw him I was sitting in the theatre next to my buddy Coon Dog watching Walk the Line. I'll be damned if Bob doesn't crop up playing Johnny Cash's hateful white-trash father. And once again, vivid enough to stand out, but this time so submerged in his characterization you have to stay and watch the credits just to win the argument 'no that is him!' And I did.

You go through Robert Patricks' filmography (courtesy of IMDb) and you find more of the same....uniform types in action-scifi contexts. One odd foray into wrestling, which we will ignore. He also does some voiceover work, and again the projects are a cut above average...among them Batman Beyond, Avatar: The Last Airbender excellent kids show. of COURSE i got addicted.

and Race Bannon in the brief-lived New Adventures of Johnny Quest (which kicked ass just as much as the original one. More actually.)

Autopsy is Mr. Patricks' latest project. I seem to recall it's having been released for a short time already back around Christmas of last year (because nothing says 'I love Baby Jesus' like watching a guy run a drill into some chicks head while she screams and brain matter shoots out of the hole.) but then Seattle's a test market. A lot of things open here briefly; and those that don't fly here never see the light of day again. Of course, if it is re-released I will not be buying a ticket, because a. I have to ingest a backhoe full of tranquilizers simply to get my teeth worked on. My definition of entertainment doesn't include a medical setting. b. Robert Patrick holding a fucking scalpel? With hospital syringe restraints not quite deceased eyeballs infected with parts, stomach contents, bleeding congealed lymph with incision maggots, and matter, with eyeballs? Nooooooo, Paco. Of course I'll rent it; what I mean to say is there ain't no way I'm going to a theatre to see this IN A CROWD OF STRANGERS? Am I stupid?
Just think of the kind of person a movie like this attracts.

Shut up.


*Either Siskel or Ebert; one of them.

** Frodo (Elija Wood, you know) was in The Faculty too, doing an excellent job and suffering beneath several layers of concealer; puberty was not treating him well at the time. Also a young man I've always suspected of being Leonard Nimoy's son. Kid had some wicked yeshiva smoulder going on. If I'd have gone to that high school, that's the guy I would have been blowi
hanging around with.



  2. sorry, dont really watch t.v. so dont really know who that is. is it the bald guy. piccard! hmm, nice review though. very wordy and smart sounding. hahahahaaa... oh and thanks for putting the guy with the bra a little further down the page... was getting creeped the fucked out!!! like it was some ghostly mirror of time travel or sumshit...

  3. I don't watch scary movies. But I agree that Robert Patrick is underutilized.

    In PORN.

  4. Ooooh da nator ma'am, I do agree. He needs to be in hot twink porn as the mean jock top.
    I MEAN.

  5. voices: sure ya do. the liquid metal robot in T2. geeze. i wouldve posted pictues but blogger was urping them back out.

    danator: well, thats it EXACTLY! see? she gets it!

    SSA: ...and my daughter gets it too! that says something about my parenting, doesn't it. LALALALALALAALAICANT HEAR YOUOOUUOOOOLALALAALALAA....WOOOO...
    ( hell yeah. cant you see him with a whistle and wearing really short gym shorts yelling at some sweaty young thing desperately chinning himself....'10! 11! 12! come ON, MAGGOT! 13! ya nancy! 14! etc.)

  6. Royce6:23 PM

    I have a similar fascination with Jason Issacs (Silver haired evil father of Harry Potter's school mate) and who also appeared as the rabid evil English officer in "The Patriot" whom even the other English officers thought he was a bit extreme.

  7. Thanks for the reviews - some new (old) sci fi to look out for.

  8. I am pretty sure Robert Patrick is a real robot or a space alien....or did you just recenly defunct that? I really need to cut back on the meds..... ;)

  9. Robert Patrick is Christopher Walken for people who think Christopher Walken is too obvious.


  10. Makes note to see The Faculty.

    T2, one of my favorite macho bullshit films.

  11. Yes, Robert Patrick is a robot, he must be.

  12. The Faculty was more funny than scary, Jon Stewart got killed in it.
    I liked his simple, loyal character in the X-files, Dogget by name and dog like by nature but he couldn't shoot for shit and the badie always got away. T2 was good in its day now Arnold is just sickening.
    Robert Patrick, Patrick Ryan, Robert Ryan what is up with people with two first names? he plays the ranking officer in 'The Unit' a kick arse show about special forces.
    I've always liked the guy.

  13. T2 , yessireeee also had the girlie mom(Linda Hamilton) from the first film going Macho Loco........I love that film :-)

  14. "I was getting kind of sick of Mulders' weak chin and whiny problems."

    I know what you mean. Duchovny's best role was as the transvestite FBI agent in Twin-peaks. His weak chin and whiny problems made the part come alive. Plus he had an excellent script-writer... "Coop, I may be wearing a dress, but I still put my panties on one leg at a time."