Sometimes, we fall from grace.
Still, there are those who, in falling, seek to turn away the justifiable scorn of their fellow beings with lies, falsehood and deception. They veil the harsh light of TRUTH in such a way that the shadows of pity instead fall around them.
These persons would snatch the brie from a beggars teeth, would dash the very cheddar of lovingkindness from the lips of a starveling child. Their shameless subterfuge is a veritable Cleveland Steamer dropt upon the face of every good and kind impulse.
Oh yes....she seemed chastened. She appeared amongst us head bowed, wearing the sackcloth of humility.
This was a LIE.
MJ was reporting to her superiors at THE SECRET SCOTTISH RITE OF FREE AND ACCEPTED NAUGHTY LADIES!!!!!
IMPROVED ORDER OF HEPTOSOPHS AND ZUZIMITES, VEILED ILLINOIS GRAND PHARMACISTS MILITANT.
"Approach sister and give the sign!" is the greeting our initiate hears upon approaching the entrance of the secret lodge hidden deep in the malodorous Chiliwackian fenlands.
Yes Canada has fenland.
Once the secret sign is displayed the initiate may enter.
At first she is permitted to retain her street clothes. But not for long...this wanton wastes no time; eagerly she drops her linen in anticipation of...
The shameless mysteries of 'The Ass of Ha-Nu-Shop-Vac'
Their wild incantations ring through the marbled temple halls! "I must not fear! Fear is the mind-killer! Fear is the freaky gnome with big warts that smells weird like onions! Barada! I call upon He who walks unseen and foul ! N'gai!"
The Great Beast appears! Behold, he turns.....
Suddenly the mystic portal to the inner sanctum is revealed!!!
MJ enters, and here she greets and joins her sister initiates in performing the Festivus Feats Of Strength!
Once their frenzied writhings have subsided their sacred Lodge Mother summons them to stand before her altar. Her gaze is merciless; keen and black as shattered obsidian! Or a tire! Or a mixture of obsidian AND a tire!
MJ performe the Ritual Canadian Inverted Obeisance!!!
"Lave your earholes with the Vasoline of truth! I bear strange messages via the kidneys of abnormality and the vesicles of remorse; yea, many and convolute are the colons of the blessed, flaccid, timeless and vaguely sonorous in the endless icy wastes! Ai! The goat with a thousand young!"
Thus begins her tale.
And SHE TELLS ALL.
In appreciation her lodge sisters grant her the Order of the Ethnic Necklace! They crown her with the mystic Lumpy Hat! Joyous, she bursts into extemporaneous song!
"La la la, I'm wearing a hat, yes, it's nice....this hat; I'm just standing here wearing it.....its lumpy...is this room cold or is it just me..."
They fete her with strange delicacies, curious cucurbits, unexpected tubers.
Ham features prominently on the menu.
Their obscene revels last until the dawn!!!!
But all things must end. Finally, she takes her leave. Crowned with the daybreak, foul with unnamed secretions, she disappears into the early morning...as anonymous and mysterious as she had first cameded.
One final ritual then ensues, one which her sisters reserve apart, a special rite only enacted upon MJ's departure from those sacred precincts...
"Oh God, you're kidding. Get it. Just get it."
"Ew, no, you get it. It's on you."
"Anybody got a comb? Or a lighter?"
note: MOST OF THE B/W PHOTOS HERE ARE FROM VINTAGE PULCHRITUDE. THIS IS A FANTASTIC SITE! I STRONGLY URGE YOU TO GO THERE AND (TRY NOT TO THINK ABOUT YOUR GRANDMOTHER) REVEL IN THE GLORIOUS FEMININITY OF IT ALL!