Sunday, February 10, 2008

The Secret Policemans' Other Blog

...that was very nearly the name of my top secret super pervo porn site. As it is, I'm not entirely happy with the name it has now and I'm thinking of changing it to something bluesy, like 'Stavin Chain' (extra points if you can tell me what that means, bonus triple megamonster points if you can give me BOTH definitions off the top of your head. For obvious reasons MJ is automatically disqualified from this competition.)

One of the things that I did change was the 'statement of purpose' on the sidebar. I think part of it bears repeating here. Remember; I'm not talking about this blog. I've had worse things than a guy in a Gumby suit here.

"This is a vanilla site. You won't run into anyone dressed like Gumby with sturgeon gaffs through their nipples. Although at some point I might provide the link to the 'Mr. Hands vs. the Enumclaw Horse' video because I feel everyone owes it to themselves to watch a man get ridden by a horse, and see firsthand why that's not such a good idea. I mean you'd think by the year 2006 that whole issue would have been settled but apparently one man missed that day in health class. Never skip health class, folks. You could get assraped by a horse and die with your abdominal cavity full of Mr. Ed's love guck. Would your mom be proud? "My son died hemorrhaging on a gurney in the emergency ward when the quarterhorse he was dating ruptured his bowel with it's dick." All because because you were mokin da doink and missed the class where they told everyone that something the approximate length and width of a sculling oar doesn't belong up your butt, particularly when its being propelled into that position by an animal used to DRAG BEER WAGONS...No.
No, she would not.
So, yeah."


  1. haRUPMPH!

    *sweeps offstage but not before noting that Gumby appears to be reaching for his little green willy*

  2. being a sweet and innocent young man , I have no idea what it means , but I come here to have my horizons broadened and my rectum ruptured (metaphorically) . I shall henceforth give up my dream of dating a horse..... how cruel life can be.
    So to plan 'B' , fancy a date miss MJ :-)

  3. whats a gumby? it sounds like a toothless sex act to me. theres yer name
    'gumby gumby love you long time you # 1'

  4. ***dances from one leg to the other***

    Oh ...oh I know and there are FOUR seperate definitions

  5. "sculling oar!" Hahahaha! Now you know what we spend all those long hours down at the boathouse doing...

  6. *sees that both Beast AND Knudsen are here*

    *removes my false teeth with intent of performing a gumby*

    *remembers I'm not supposed to be here and sweeps offstage again*

  7. mj: yeah, great minds..

    beast: be careful what you wish for.

    knudie: that green thing standing at the side of the post there. THATS a gumby. not even the people who created it knew what it was, but it had a horse and it played a guitar.

    beast: did you just come off google/search? no fair!

    cb: teaching horses how to row?

    mj: She's ready for action! ready for action! this morning the Poly-Grip goes 'down south'!

  8. Beast: Perhaps I can be of assistance in rupturing your rectum.

  9. Sound advice my Dear.
    I say this is right up my alley.. ((snort))
    Forward, the Light Brigade eh wot!
    "Theirs not to reason why,
    Theirs 'butt' to do & die"..especially with their mount.

    Actually there was a bit of this nonsense going on with the enlisted men the night before the charge..silly buggers.

  10. how can I be this old and know sooo little????

  11. MJ, if you like, I can get you a (family) discount on ye olde fister there. Playboy of the Western World's best friend runs the local sex shop...he's like a pervy, creepy uncle...*sniffle*.
    So. Vibrating fist, or non?

  12. ahhh... monday morning at the nations site... i feel normal again...

  13. mj: and it comes with a dog tag you can 'wear with pride!"

    yerlordship: back when the men were men and the horses were willing.

    ziggi: because you haven't uncorked the censor on your browser. I dare ya.

    SSA: I want one for a hood ornament.

    voices: bet that doesn't happen very often, huh. savor the moment with me....aaaaaaaaaaaah.

    Y'all realize that none of you have even bothered to volunteer a definition of 'Stavin Chain', right? and we all realize that it has NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with punching the poopchute, right? good lord people. come on.

  14. SSA: Send the bill to Beast.

    He's the one whose rectum wants rupturing.

    FN: Is the dog tag attached to a collar? With a flea repellent? I have someone in mind to wear it.

    I'm leaving. I know when I'm not wanted.

  15. Well, you are probably looking for a "darker" definition, but I believe it's to do with barrel-making.(Staves being the wooden plank-thingies that comprise a barrel)As in a lot of olde occupations, rude songs and jokes became linked with the trade. Thus, a chain which applied tension to a stave could also mean a chain used as a penis restraint..
    I'm sounding 'way too academic! Over to someone else!
    (I think Stavin Chain was also the name of a negro blues musician,yes?)

  16. FN - can you please email me - I have some questions and can't find your email address.

  17. Seems to me I remember a fella dying over in the next county monkeying around with a horse. Shocked the shit out of his lovley young bride. When I read it in the paper made me feel kind of icky.
    Never occured to me to fool around with farm animals, but then I still play with paper dolls.

  18. Stavin chain (ahem)
    After exaustive interweb research the Beast has the following .

    It became apparent that nobody ACTUALLY knows what the phrase means as it seems to appear solely in a couple of blues songs with no other anecdotale evidence but the interweb nerd sites offered the following defenitions deduced from the context of the lyrics.

    1. As previously mentioned it is thought it was a chain used to hold the 'staves' of a barrel in position while the metal hoops were being secured.
    2.From this defenition it is thought it may also apply to the foot manacles used for captives
    3.A device used by men to prolong erection and delay ejaculation much like a dogs choke chain but obviously employed on ya bits much like an ajustable cock ring
    4. A slang term for a promiscious man

  19. oh my god you folks are SO SICK.

    There is an actual tool called a 'staving chain' and it was used in barrelmaking. it held the loose staves in a barrel shape while the hoops were hammered down over them. it worked like one of those loop wrenches they use to unscrew an oil goes around in a loose circle, then a simple bighting mechanism is used to tighten down the gap. unlike a filter wrench, a chain was used instead of a metal strap to avoid squeezing a continuous channel into the wood. You see what you can learn here at Paul?

    now those of you who have the secret password can go read all about the New Orleans whorehouse slang meaning.

  20. Well I could have told you that if you'd let me participate!

    Is it any wonder I drink?

  21. You have a top secret pervo porn site? And this is the first I'm hearing of it? *sniff* And here I thought we were friends...

  22. yeah um... where is this top secret pervo porn site? i could be pimping it for you! its your myspace page isnt it?

  23. Did the horse forget to use lubrication?

  24. mj: i thought you started drinking because knudson loves me and not you HA HA.

    Danger: the short answer is yeah i do and its all amateurish and sweary. your email HATES ME, btw.

    voices: it is TOP SECRET. it is full of CUSSES and there are WEENISES. your wife would be so, so pissed.

  25. Avast ya knurvy staves!

    Hey, isn't there a Sam Cooke song about this?

    "I hear somethin' sayin'
    oo-aaah! oo-aaah!
    oo-aaah! oo-haah!
    (Well, don't you know)

    That's the sound of the men jerkin' on the stave ga-a-ang"

  26. Beast and I came close, didn't we?
    (Let me re-phrase that!!!)

  27. I was practicing the rhythm method dinah..... its the way I shake them marracca's

  28. shit, its comment nation over here....

  29. I hate having sex with horses. They are really bad at kissing.

  30. Aaaaand - the win goes to Tickersoid!

  31. Try smearing your lips with sugar and carrot jam Mr Ticks

  32. Yeay Beasty. It works!

  33. It worries me, that as a result of this post, I downloaded the horse shagging torrent.

    Very uncomfortable viewing.

  34. Anonymous4:45 AM

    You know, I was a very conscientious 9th-grader, and I never missed a health class, so I can say with absolute certainty that they did not cover buttsecks with horses at Port Townsend High School. I mean, they probably should have - I bet they did at Chimacum High - but they didn't tell us any of this.

    Damn hippies.

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