Monday, August 18, 2008

UPDATED: Comments! or, another excuse to pimp my porn

I like your comments. I love your comments. I have an old Barbie doll painted red poked full of rusty nails and I poke a new one in each time I get a comment from you, in fact. (You know who you are.) Your comments mean a hell of a lot more to me than just banter or casual conversation. Particularly on my *ahem* creative site.

'Paul ' here is all about self-indulgence and whatever happens to cross my mind.
'UJ', on the other hand, is all about protecting my precious children from the need to move and change their names and undergo years of painful intensive psychotherapy.
'Paul' is the 'me' show. We laugh, we cry, we call each other names. It's not about form.
UJ, as it turns out, is.
Because as everyone knows, when it comes to porn, its ALL ABOUT EXCELLENCE.

Well, there it is, though; weirdly enough, that's where the creative fiction writing is happening.

And being as it's creative, I'm finding that I really, really WANT those comments. I think I've chosen you first few members pretty well; you're folks who know the difference, who've read a few books, and who don't run too vicious-or at least we're all floating around up near the same level of vicious, anyway. Come on. Post a fucking comment. It's easy and side effects are minimal, usually in the form of temporary nasal congestion or headaches. If you experience an erection that lasts for more than four hours, though....

I go back and edit over at UJ all the time. Spelling, punctuation (yes, believe it or not, I know) ...I find so many continuity errors that it just makes me want to pull a bag over my head. Continuity and logic, things you overlook, or lose editing one part that would make a later part that you kept make sense....I make mistakes like that all the damn time. I'm not dying of them, but another pair of alert eyes would really really be welcome! You run across shit like that, shoot me a damn email if you don't feel like hanging out in the UJ comments lounge* ( new 'No Pets' rule fyi. ) I'll say it again- you run into any mistakes, TELL ME. At least shoot me an email. I'll even go post my addo up over there in the sidebar to make you feel good and guilty. Look - just LOOK how easy it is to contact her confidentially. But no. You never write *snif* I guess you're too busy*snif*...

Similarly questions or comments or suggestions. If you're going through reading and thinking "Well, why don't' you....Why did he....Why didn't you....How come you didn't..." stuff like that.

There is no way I'm going to get better unless I get feedback, and there's no way things will change unless you provide feedback. If you're suffering every time I use a particular bad turn of phrase or unfortunate analogy, you're just going to continue to suffer unless you SPEAK UP. And I will laugh at you, then, and start using that unfortunate turn of phrase ALL THE TIME JUST TO ANNOY YOU. No I won't. Maybe.

But no, really now. This has worked for three of you already. In all three cases those suggestions were spot fucking on. I used them, and they made my work better. I love you all. You are so awesome!

I know damn well that I need bigtime help with punctuation and elements of style stuff... paragraph breaks, an unfortunate tendency to overuse semicolons; all that. That will happen, and I'll handle it in an academic setting with grades and shit. Structure in a structured environment. But the meat issues? I'd rather learn from people who love to read.

Y'all heard that? Once again, with feeling: I'd rather learn from people who love to read.

I like to write. I like to make up stuff, I like to edit and revise, I love research, I like to pick and build and tear down and make this 'thing' out of imaginary parts. That does not mean that I do it particularly well, just that I'm reasonably satisfied with whatever I turn out as 'done'. I ain't kidding myself here.

If I went to writing school, I'd learn how to write for writers. Whats the fucking point of that? I hate that kind of writing. I don't read it now.
Here's what I want to do: I want to write stuff that a. doesn't reek of moron, and b. is really fun to read. Period.
Thats what I like to read, and thats what I want to do.

Another thing too...I've noticed that when people I've known who like to write have gone to formal writers classes, what happens is that it takes all the humanity and quirk and spark out of their stuff . Here's a good analogy: they go in Neil Young and come out Dinah Shore.

So comment. Clinkers will happen. So will misunderstandings and disagreements. That's another reason in favor of emails, if you're tender that way. That way it stays there between just you and I, and I'm nice. OK, I can be. I'm not the kind of person who will spring for your throat if you disagree with me. I only do that when I'm being attacked (or if you're a psycho who just refuses to hang it up, as some have learned *ahem*)

I can tell the difference. Really. Most of the time. I guess.

Would you like an invite to UJ? ASK. Jeezly Christmas.

Too squeemy to come right out and admit in the 'Paul' comment lounge that you're a big ol' sweaty pervert who wants to read dirty dirty pornographic porno smut? Why? Are you new? Is there something you've seen here that has lead you to believe that you AREN'T amongst peers?

Here's the thing: I NEED YOUR EMAIL TO SEND OUT THE AUTOMATED BLOGGER FORM, SO EMAIL ME FIRST! (That way you avoid posting up your email in the comments here where WEIRD PEOPLE can see it.)

If you'd like an invite, GAIL, contact a woman old enough to be your childrens' grandmother at


Watch that '0' there....its not a zero. Its a lowercase letter o. Oh please. Just cut/copy/past and sub in an @ dealie and a . This is not brain salad surgery.

Join up now...and help one woman realize her dream of writing about bodily secretions in a form everyone can enjoy.

*Would whoever took the copy of 'Venus in Furs' please bring it back? MJ's claiming she left her novena card in it.


  1. PLEASE invite me to UJ, I purchase read Ellora's Cave quite a lot.

    Thanks, R

  2. retro: okey dokie then! (as cartmans mother would say)

  3. Must be worth a shufty.

    Count me in.

  4. garfy: OH NO FUCKING WAY. garfy? you? i thought you were so
    no wait, ok. different garfy. You're in.

    I NEED YOUR EMAIL TO SEND OUT THE AUTOMATED BLOGGER FORM, SO EMAIL ME FIRST! (That way you avoid posting up your email in the comments here where WEIRD PEOPLE can see it.)

    redace196oATgmailDOTcom that last digit. it aint one.

  6. I promise to try to comment constructively. But mainly I just read with my jaw hanging open, enthralled and uncritical and totally indifferent to semicolons.

  7. Z: see, but you say that every time I write that 'stilleto pumps and a frog' stuff, too. Anyway, go over and check out why cars are piling up on i-5 just past the renton 's'curves. ;)

  8. Anonymous6:29 PM

    retro - you should check out sherrilyn kenyon. she rocks.

    fn - think really hard for a sec about the type of people who read your blog. brain surgery is probably needed on at least 65% of them. i say we start with beast and move forward.

  9. I feel dirty knowing that Garfy will be reading it.

    I left my novena card in your ELP album.

  10. Please explain why it is a lowercase letter o.

    It trips me up every time.

  11. I am an incredible tool and can't seem to type your secret email in to ask for an invite....hanging my curly head in shame....hey! a penny!

  12. brain salad surgery you say...sign me up!

  13. pink: but beast is THE WAY FORWARD. if we do brain surgery, then he'll be the way BACKWARD.

    mj: 1. me too! isn't it exciting? were cleaning shake with it, weren't you. atta girl! 3. to irritate you. my evil plan is working.

    gale: working with the assumption that you are serious and not just responding in kind to what was meant as a joke, i've sent you the standard disclaimer form and invite. be careful what you wish for!:)

    daisy: done. perv.

  14. Voices:...huh? you....pickles?
    what, are you having trouble keeping yours lit?
    what? pickles? PICKLES?
    *wanders off muttering about pickles*

  15. But I dont want Brain surgery AGAIN

  16. WTF? i no able comment on uj?

    *plots evil revenge*

  17. beast: shhh. this will only hurt for a second.

    voices: ok try now. i mean, do the revenge too, i wouldn't want to deprive you of that, but go try the comments again.

    *waits for tiny sad waterballoon, or spitwad*

  18. *farts in box and wraps it with shiny paper and mails it to nations*

  19. Well at least Miss MJ farted on a cake in the box.
    I prefer vile revenge if I get something to eat as well

  20. Please, miss, I don't want to come in Neil Young.

  21. voices: wow! for me? whys there frosting all over the bow?

    beast: and so, you're saying that you'd eat a cake in a box from mj with ass prints on it. thats just great. thanks. thats wonderful. dang.

    tim: you know you've made a dirty old hippie very unhappy. and neals just devastated.

  22. The relevant part of your response was A CAKE , you can just smooth over the butt print and you still have A CAKE , ok a cake with an unpleasant cabbagy rotten egg aura , but its still CAKE

  23. Eat my cake crumbs, Beast.

  24. Anonymous2:43 PM

    I am too rubbish to post anything usefull... hangs head in shame...

  25. newwwwww blog....i dont wanna see this blog title anyyyymore lalalala oh man it is uncomfortable oh yes lalala newww bloooggg time for mommieeees

  26. it's been ages, sugar, i know...