Thursday, June 15, 2006

The Death Beast Helmet Crab Rouge Pays A Visit!

Last night the curtains in the kitchen fell down. Someone (a yummy biker, bold and true) was kind enough to gather them aside in a neat bunch and place them out of the way so that the expert(read: the only person who cares about how things look past simply being clean and presentable) could re-hang them. So, after drinking a couple of cups of coffee I got up on a chair with a hammer and pliers and proceeded to discover that the curtains had been replaced on the rod backwards and cattywompus. Of course I made this discovery once the bracket had been nailed in place. Of course.
And standing up there juggling with the sections of expandable rod and the curtain rings and the curtain itself and random bug carcasses and oh look, there's a big skanky cobweb up here behind the freezer, I had a sudden, sweeping seizure of red RAGE.
Oh goody! I'm premenstrual. I'm standing on a chair, I'm using hand tools and I'm premenstrual.
DEEEEEEEP breath.
When I was younger and my pineal was in charge, this wasn't such a big gory deal. Yeah, sometimes I got moodier than usual (and to be honest, 'usual' was pretty fucking moody) but sometimes I didn't. Total crapshoot. I never got greasy or zitty and I never blobbed out full of water like SpongeBob. Now, thanks to the miracle of HRT, I experience all three, plus the requisite five days of, um, yeah. Like clockwork.
A Clockwork Orange, to be precise.
What the fuck is the point of menopause? Speaking in terms of evolution, that is.
I am a 46 year old woman. Childbearing time is over. (yay!) so fine. The faucet turns off and I get grey hair. So why should that take going on five fricken years? Puberty only took one. Tops. Boobs (woomp! poomp!) then the rest of it. (ewwwww.)
You have to realize here that without HRT I would be 3/4 bald by now and probably dead, because everyone in town would have come up to the house some years back carrying torches and pulled me screaming from the bosom of my family, tied me to the flagpole in front of city hall and set me on FIRE. I am a very very unpleasant woman INDEED, running under my own steam, left to the whims of natural physical processes.
Now, I am not altogether joking when I say this: could this have been what sparked the witch hunts? Really. Say there was a few good harvests in there...Moderate weather, not too many wars, no real pestilence to speak of...And you get all these spare older women living somewhat past the usual span of years, making everyone's' life a living hell, running around, setting shit on fire, digging holes, knitting, screaming at passers by from their porches, throwing bottles full of pee at the horses and smacking people? Because quite honestly that's what I'd be doing.
Can you imagine the kind of killing machine an army of healthy, buff menopausal women would be?
Damn.
Hundreds upon hundreds of women lining the hilltops.
Gunning the engines of their sedans, astride their Harleys, armed with Molotov cocktails, good insurance, German potato salad, napalm, and HK mp5's?
Imagine them hovering overhead in helicopters, arguing at the top of their lungs about who gets to drive, weeping, screaming, dropping pro-life republicans and plastic milkjugs full of botulism on the enemy?
Imagine the charge of the vanguard, several thousand naked crying women painted blue, tits a' flappin, hurtling down the hillside firing UN Barrett Light 50's fitted with supercooled sustained-repeating systems? (the antimateriel armament of the discriminating middle aged woman)
Imagine the rearguard action, women with their false teeth buried in the throats of the fallen, taking scalps, bashing the dying repeatedly with baseball bats, Maltese and chihuahuas and shih tzus all tearing at the dead and yapping in unspeakable cacophony?
Imagine them dragging the officers back to camp for interrogation...The greasy polaroids...The family dog nobody can remember the name of...The red eyes... The recounting of obscure relationships between people you never heard of and don't care about over and over and over again until the blood runs from their eyes and ears and they writhe on the ground and spill their guts no no no please I can't hear about how Carmel and Nadine fouled up Maria's wedding dress again just please MAKE IT STOP! GODPLEASEMAKEITSTOOOOOOOOP!
Deep breath.
This, my friends, is why god created tequila. Lets all go have some RIGHT NOW.

21 comments:

  1. YAY I AM FIRST.
    I think the point of menopuase is to cut down on the heating bills , you could cook toast when me mum used to have a menopausal hot flush. Unfortunatley for all involved she didnt get on with HRT so we had five odd years of Stalin in a wig.

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  2. beast: i am SO sorry. Nothing my daughter put me through going through puberty could compare with what I put HER through going through menopause. hell yeah, cook toast. fry bacon, too.

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  3. Mmmm...toast, bacon...No WAIT. right, menopause.

    I fear for myself and those around me come my regular period. Because GOD the RAGE. I will definitely be locked up in a ward come the time of menopause.

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  4. Oh yay! Tequila time!
    *Clinks glass.*

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  5. we all have our mid life horrors , my hair is migrating from my head to other parts of my body , if I take me trousers off(pants for our american chums) I look like I have Tina Turner hiding in my pants(underpants for our american chums).
    iether that or someone has been back combing my pubic hair when I was asleep.
    Jungle Jane does live in Australia , doesnt she (looks worried)

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  6. Cut down on heating bills? In our office the windows are constantly openin and a closin while half the staff who aren't menopausal suffer Pneumonia or heat stroke but atleast we get Christmas carols in June.

    Sounds like an army that could solve the Middle East issues FN with tits a flappin and lap dogs

    I can relate completely cos as I've just turned thirty
    *runs for cover*

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  7. PMT or HRT aside - balancing and doing anything with unruly curtains/blinds always induces rage of one sort or another. Why do the expanding rods always do their expanding thing when you can least control them? My mother threw an entire roller blind at me once as she tried to get it back into the fixings whilst wobbling precariously on two cushions ontop the back of a squashy sofa. Apparently I was staring at her too much and not helping enough! I was actually staring as I couldn't believe what she was actually doing. Come to think of it I think that was around the time she was hideously menopausal and I was hideously 14 years old....bad combination. And I've just realised I will be at the height of menopause when my son hits puberty. Oh happy joy. Where's my drink?

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  8. christine: if only it didn't last so damn long!
    whinger: skaal! *empties bottle down throat, cracks another*
    beast: blame the baldness on your mum. tina turner should under no circumstances be allowed to backcomb your fuzzy bits. because, ew, she's dead.
    hardhouse: you BEST run, buddy. last time i give you any porn links, boy. XO
    rockmother: funny how nature synchronizes those two things, isnt it? really. you throw curtains in the mix and its all over.

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  9. OMG-you just had me rolling with this one FN:-)

    Why did I never think of that? an army of premenstrual women? Brilliant. You know if a group of women spend all their time together their cycles synchronize? This could be an amazing in the war against the enemy, say Bush?

    On a serious note, have you read Dr. Corio's book that I referred to on my 'brain chemistry' post? The Change before the change. Lots of helpful suggestions for dealing with the 10 years of crap you have to deal with before menopause. Black cohosh is good.

    Anyway, hang in there and try not to kill anyone.

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  10. That was supposed to be 'amazing weapon' but you knew that didn't you?

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  11. Juggling sections of expandable rod? I enjoy a good rod-juggle.

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  12. kyah: something like that was part of the reading i did. too late; im mid process now. really, i'm ok now; i just felt like randomly firing large calibre weapons earlier.
    mj: that much has been obvious from the start. geeze!

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  13. I aprreciate the link (it did work eventually), you and mj are the best porn peddlers! Ta for advice too, appreciated!

    Now, I have insider information on this topic and if you're going the natural method then apparently only eating organic foods can help. The chemicals ect in everyday foods can upset inner balances... or sum such shite. But I'm guessing you're doing fine as it is. Besides organic foods can be extortionate.

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  14. Dude, too young. I get qu. grumpy around 'that time of the month' though...

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  15. ara: well, ike did.
    hardhouse: oh gracious yes; great claims are made for eating lots of soy and whatnot...i stick with cactus juice. thats the mexican remedy.
    noshit: oh good for you. gloat. just gloat then. BE young. fine. thats great.*snif* WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...
    wheres my fez?

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  16. must admit my hormones are so murderous now that I'm kind of hoping the menopause will normalise them...I'm hoping...really really hoping. If not then I'll try the tequila cure!

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  17. *wipes tears of laughter away, runs really fucken fast for the hills*

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  18. skeadugenga4:38 PM

    Thank you for a bloody good laugh -and you posted it on my 46th birthday! Currently I'm reputed to be the only woman suffering from PMT all month round, when its not pre, its post, live with it.

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  19. Anonymous1:46 AM

    Keep up the good work »

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