Friday, June 16, 2006

Scorpion Brown Maddened By The Human Bombs

Occasionally rambling around old literature and art you run into these strange 'B' list legends that nobody's heard of, like Pyramus and Thisbe. Who the fuck; Pyramus? Thisbe?
I thought, well, fine, Pyramus and Thisbe. I'll have a look round the internet and see what falls out da calabash.

This is the first thing that popped up on the search, which I incidentally misspelled.
I have no idea what is going on here.
We have a nicely dressed young lady, wholly unaware of the tornado approaching from the upper right. She seems to have found a transvestite passed out next to her ugly fountain, which a flying baby roosts atop...fly, baby! fly! That thing sprays water out the top every five minutes and it's been four minutes already!
Meanwhile the lady is busy worrying about the transvestite. 'Oh crap' she thinks. 'Are we insured?'





Now this is a sad, little known episide from the life of Benny Hill. Seems he called the local Shriners Lodge to come and install a satellite dish and the poor man was struck by lightning, God evidently offended by the brevity of his tunic. Benny rushed outside in a dexadrine fueled frenzy and stuffed a breadknife through him. 'Manoona!! he shouted, slapping a little bald guy on the head.
I kind of like the pointy hat. But not even the pointy hat was enough to deter God's wrath.
It seldom is.





Ah hell, Thisbe.
You did it again, didn't you.
Your ear's stuck in the crack in the wall.
Dammit, how many times do we have to tell you; if the monkey tells you to do something, its probably not a good idea?











PIGPIIIIIIIIIIILE!



Ok. One tit is hanging out and BLOOD IS SHOOTING OUT OF HER CHEST. She is about to execute a full body block on what to all appearances is a dead guy...and we don't know how dead, either.
The next frame in this cartoon could be kinda gooey.

Time to consult Bullfinch.

All right, I'm back.
So apparently this is the ancient basis for the story of Romeo and Juliette. Shakespeares' version at least had the advantage of having been revised to frame a true story by a master; Bullfinch takes this poor defenseless legend and Victorians it all up till its just hard to read without urping up a little in your mouth. Here is the link. Use a basin. Make sure to wipe up if you splatter: http://www.syc.k12.pa.us/~sms/zart/mythology/bulfinch/fables/bull310.html
The thing that always bugged me about Romeo and Juliet is the same thing that bothered David Merrick...why in the hell didn't they take a couple seconds to MAKE SURE that the other one was dead instead of spazzing out and killing themselves like a couple of dipshits?




At least here Thisbe is giving it the old college try.
With one tit hanging out.*
Always do the stick test. If you poke it with a stick and it moves, it's not dead. But if it doesn't move, try an eye.

These things are important.



This is honestly called 'Pyramis and Thisbe II'. It is the winner of the coveted 'Plumb fucking eludes me' award.

'Jesus CHRIST, what kind of dog is that?'
'A mixed breed, effendi. Get it? It has two heads? Thats a little central asian joke.'
'Your humor arouses me. Let me satiate my uncircumcized lusts upon your heathen hindquarters.'


Here is a kid gooping around with a dead fish.
See? this is what it was like before they invented television. All we had were Legos and salmon. It was HARD.
Hey, it has as much to do with Pyramus and Thisbe as the dog picture did.







So what important lessons do we take away from 'Pyramus and Thisbe'?
1. Flying babies without diapers are a REALLY REALLY BAD IDEA.
2. God never did like Mary Quant
3. Monkeys will tell you stupid things
4. Always carry a pointy stick
5. Radioactive isotopes and dogs do not mix.

...Nope, I don't feel any smarter either.




*and and ugly fountain. and a flying baby.

24 comments:

  1. 6. Update your transvestite insurance policy.

    I used to live in a neighbourhood where trannies fell from trees so I know of which I speak.

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  2. 7. Wear a sports bra.

    Our trannies are better behaved, it's the one boob flopping out problem we have. What is it with the one boob out thing in art? Is that symbolism of some sort?

    Great post again, reminded be of playing Francis Flute in A Midsummer Nights Dream at school, the character Fracis plays Thisbe in the play. My only drag experience to date. Incidently the term drag comes from shakespear scripts as women couldn't act the instruction in the scripts would be DRessed As Girl... My God I know some useless shite!!

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  3. One tit hanging out = how to sneak erotica past the censors. Two tits would be porn, you see. One tit is "art."

    But that does NOT explain the need for ugly fountains decorated with naked babies. I really can't wrap my brain around that one.

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  4. Aaaah symbolism , I was thinking the same thing as Hardhouse and chaucers bitch , what does one tit , a fountain and an ugly flying baby all mean....Before I have a thisbe and whatsit themed BBQ.(I have it all planned).
    If I leave a bottle of scotch out half an hour before me guests arrive within ten minutes Mr C will be passed out in a heap so is perfect casting for the dead transvestite , I will pose , bare pec before me garden water feature (I may have to use Alfie the dog in place of the nekkid baby). I would like to know exactly what message I am sending to the world.

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  5. Again: Where exactly were you when I took Art History?
    And
    If you get a job teaching it I will relocate to attend.

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  6. mj: ah , the beauteous 'groves of Frankenfurter'. harvest season always brings a 'windfall' of surprises. god stop me.
    hardhouse: its an excuse for the painter to earn a little extra by way of gratuity, i think. but damn, you truly are the Aztec Prince of Trivia!
    cb: exactly correct. one tit+flying baby+ugly fountain=ART. and a little extra on the 'amount paid' line.
    beast: it means you have a diamond cutter on one side until you haul it back inside your shirt. re the party: will there be tiki torches? i love tiki torches. tiki torches and a one titty guy holding his hose would be the event of the season!
    mutha:don't relocate. you are desparately needed right where you are.

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  7. mj: ah , the beauteous 'groves of Frankenfurter'. harvest season always brings a 'windfall' of surprises. god stop me.
    hardhouse: its an excuse for the painter to earn a little extra by way of gratuity, i think. but damn, you truly are the Aztec Prince of Trivia!
    cb: exactly correct. one tit+flying baby+ugly fountain=ART. and a little extra on the 'amount paid' line.
    beast: it means you have a diamond cutter on one side until you haul it back inside your shirt. re the party: will there be tiki torches? i love tiki torches. tiki torches and a one titty guy holding his hose would be the event of the season!
    mutha:don't relocate. you are desparately needed right where you are.

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  8. ..yeah, theres an echo...shit.

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  9. right ok. So one boob is art? how do you know which one? I'd hate to be flopping the pornographic one out when I was aiming for being artistic

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  10. The right one, HC. The right boob is the right boob. The left one is the nasty one. At least, in every painting i can think of off the top of my head, it's always the right tit haning out. why is that?...

    *wanders off muttering*

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  11. The BBq is off , I have joggers nipple , Alfie has fallen off the water feature and bruised me geraniums and Mr C has been sick on the tiki lamps.
    All this mayhem in the pursuit of art...I am sticking to fish fingers next time

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  12. hendrix:the left boob is the BOOB OF EVIL. bad boob. bad.
    cb: correctamundo! hide the porn boob. keep the porn boob hid!
    beast: sounds like it was fun for awhile, though. oh well. these theme things go awry so easily....

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  13. *much laughter* You should teach me classics. More interesting than Owl Lady...
    I dunno what this is all about. Maybe the left one has two nipples?
    Or maybe they only have one button, and she forgot the right way to tie it up...

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  14. CB and FN. The fact that you noticed is starting to worry me.

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  15. i spent a shitload of time in art museums as a child, and i'm bisexual. you do the math.

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  16. beast, I think that is subliminally, or not so, the message of the gutted fish - stick to fish fingers? I can't even type fish fingers without a light wave of nausea passing over my body. So much to think about on a Monday morning...One tit or two - I know my children always preferred the left in breastfeeding or was that imposed upon them by me as a rightie? Another thing for them to complain about in future therapy.

    I better go have a cup of coffee to think this all through.

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  17. Am completely and totally with mutha.

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  18. Legos and salmon?


    Fascinating.

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  19. Two tits is porn? OH MY! Then my site is pornographic? DIOS MIO!!!

    WAIT! The left boob is the boob of evil?!?!? Are you saying the milk at my place is a product of EVIL?!?!?!

    I am with G... I need to think on this and I am also with Mutha... I would so sign up for an art history class with you!

    Although WHY traumatize me when I love boobs so? WHY GOD WHY!??!? ;-)

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  20. noshit: whats an owl lady? is it some kiwi myth? or blodduydd flowerface? so confused...
    cb: ditto here. plus a catholic education heavy on the saints and old master paintings.
    g: it is a mystery. like the chupacabra and parts of the chiltons repair manual for the 1977 gremlin
    whinger: you can't relocate either. sorry.
    claire: and i walked five miles to school in the snow. in my bare feet. uphill.
    mizB: por calma. it's only evil in the sense that it is the so called
    'BOOB SINISTER'
    get it? get it?
    yeah.
    ok.

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  21. Oh oh oh, that's so brilliant! I could read this stuff all day, only my colleagues keep asking what I'm laughing at.

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  22. Perhaps if we allow our breasts to hang out of our clothing, we'll come upon more dead bodies.

    Food for thought, isn't it?

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  23. Anonymous4:57 PM

    That's a great story. Waiting for more. breaking down adderall to inject

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