Wednesday, June 28, 2006

update CAGE MATCH! update

NOTICE: RETURN READERS, VIEW UPDATE AT THE END OF THIS POST!!!!!!
THIS AINT NO CATFIGHT!
THIS AINT NO DOGFIGHT EITHER, BABY!
THIS IS A FULL ON NITRO CHARGED MEGA TAG TEAM ARMAGEDDON!
THE FINAL CHALLENGE FOR THE ALL TIME WORLD TITLE BELT!
LAST MAN STANDING!


!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Dante 'Il Guanto di Gomma' Alighieri !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

vs

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Geoffrey 'The Murderous Modifier' Chaucer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
















Our pre-bout chat with the opponents revealed the startling feud that has been taking place behind the scenes. Jeff Chaucer describes his strategy thus:
"This fucking spaghetti bender has been trying to steal my crown for the past 400 years. I'll have him tapping out by the end of the first round, you hear me? Tap tap tap! Crying like a schoolgirl! 'Oh wah wah waaaaah! Oh please don't spank me, you bad ol Murderous Modifier!' Yeah, I got news for you, Mr. Ali G. Harry! Abandon hope all you who enter the ring with ME, baby! I'm gonna show you what hell's all about! Me! Thats right, bitch!'
Combatant Alighieri retorted:
"The poor guy, you have to feel sorry for him. He reminds me of Kurt Cobain...you think you're on top of the world and then you realize you've been fucking Courtney Love. Hey Jeffie, gimme a kiss. You feel that tickle where a beard shouldn't be? Yeah, thats whats going to happen this coming week, Jeffie, you hear me? Get the pot on the fire 'coz here comes the Teabag! And it's my special Italian blend! You smell what I'm cookin'? This is the cookbook right here! And every recipe is made with pain!"

In a nod to the fans who have been supporting these rivals for so many years , the Federation, in a suprise move, has decided to let THEM decide who will make up each man's team!
The pool of contenders:




This margarine








Walt Whitman, no stranger to the salty side of the ring. A veteran of the mat wars, Mr. Whitman can bring the pain just as good as the up-and comers. Possibly better. 'I've got zits on my back tougher than either of them' boasts the poet from Long Island.





Another veteran, Dame Barbara Cartland is widely hailed as the inventor of the 'Scissors of Death' leghold. Many a promising career has expired in the relentless viselike grip of those thighs!




Devil-may-care funnyman Danny Kaye. Some say his mastery of the Greco-Roman style is responsible for his popularity, others, his carefully schooled gag reflex. Any way you look at it, Kaye has chiseled out a spot facedown among the deadliest deceased commedians on the roster.




This handbag






Meatwads' style has been likened to that of a highly trained samurai warrior, a jungle cat, and a fat woman in a wool dress showing a Clumber spaniel.NOTE: DUE TO LACK OF EARLY VOTES MEATWAD HAS BEEN DISQUALIFIED FROM ENTERING THE COMPETITION



Mat maiden Edith Heads' Piledriver and Flying Takedown are fan favorites. Best known for her iniminable showmanship, the very sight of a berserk, drooling Edith gnawing on the turnbuckle has made many a grapplers' bowels turn to water!







A bean burrito






-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Rules:

Each champ gets two team members, his second and one alternate. Crossover favorites will be judged at the discretion of the Federation and assigned by random coin toss. So vote early and vote often! Your decision could be the one which determines the fate of the World Literature Wrestling Title for your favorite champ!

WHO WILL BE THE NEXT MARGRAVE OF THE MILDEWED MAT?



update: the results so far...
since many commenters proved loath to make a team determination, any mention was counted as a nomination for consideration. those butch enough to take on the responsibility put their nominee solidly on one mans' team or the other.
remember, final results will be determined by coin toss!
chaucer: one vote each for
margarine, danny kaye,
edith head
bean burrito
dante:
dame barbara cartland-2 strong votes
armadillo handbag-1 vote
edith head-1 vote

out of the running: meatwad, with no votes and no mentions.
most votes recieved: the armadillo handbag, whom some found so aggressive they dared not assign it a team, choosing wisely not to risk incurring its displeasure
second most popular: edith head, who seems to be exerting the same degree of menace as the armadillo handbag.
REMEMBER-VOTE AS MANY TIMES AS YOU LIKE! BUT CHOOSE FOR THE LUVVA FUCK!

30 comments:

  1. Zippy5:12 PM

    Yikes! You got the wrong white powder in your coffee this morning!

    I got Chaucer (for his sense of humor), Edith Head ('cause she looks like she can kick ass), and the bean burrito ('cause I'm sentimentally attached and I'm feeling a bit peckish). 5-2 odds this baby don't go the distance.

    (Is Blogger phucking up again? I had trouble commenting; not that there's anything wrong with that.)

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  2. "Walt Whitman, no stranger to the salty side of the ring."

    That made coffee come out of my nose.

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  3. I'll have Dante, Barbara Cartland and the handbag. Dante cos he's not Chaucer, Barbara Cartland cos she's bloody scary and the handbag cos it looks like you could do some real damage with that if you swung it hard enough...

    ReplyDelete
  4. Alena7:53 AM

    Wow, that was disturbing.

    I'm putting all my money on Edith Head. Mostly in the hope that I never again have to hear, read or think about the vice-like thighs of Barbara Cartland. Ever.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Spiffy the Wonder Shrimp7:55 AM

    Any cage match that doesn't include Jack Kerouac is just a cheap publicity prank.

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  6. Oh that is so cool! A cage wrestling match between dead authors. I love it.

    Can you set one up for cheap pop-fiction authors who are still clinging to life by a thread? How about Sidney Sheldon, James Michner and Clive Cussler?

    ReplyDelete
  7. mutant z-man: gotcha. should i be writing down odds and taking bets? maybe i should.
    billy: sweetie, you dont drink coffee with your nose. get a tissue.
    hendrix: excellent choices. nothing like a hollowed out armadillo to put the fear of the lord in your opponent.
    alena: 'ku; edith is a monster in the ring, but on whos tag team???
    spiffy: jack was suffering acute perontinitis from an undisclosed interlude at the time of the booking. sorry.
    raul: interestingly enough, clive cussler was among those origionally slated to participate until he was bumped for being so darned ugly.

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  8. All I did was try to look at that handbag and it kicked my ass. Through the monitor. Twice. Then called me a "pussy" and spit on me.

    I gotta start working out.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Man! This might be the funniest post I've read! I got 5 on Mr. "Sere Brunetto, are you here?"

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  10. Dante has already been to hell and back. Chaucer has only seen a few gents get rammed in the arse with branding irons. No contest.

    vtmbqn

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  11. anita: welcome! hey, you gotta watch it with the crap taxidermy. sensitive.
    doug: glad to see ya again! why did we all get kicked off your blog? huh? huh?
    wcsn: a solid opinion from a man who knows! good for you. now quit whimpering about word veri.

    ReplyDelete
  12. alright, bitches. i don't want to hear any more about this dante crap. my big daddy chaucer is gonna welt ALL your asses. I'm not even picking extra fucking team members, cuz Big Pappa Geoff don't fucking need 'em. He's gonna spank you like he spanks me every damn day, and baby I know how much damage my man can DO. And that is ALL.

    ReplyDelete
  13. oh yeah?
    oh YEAH?
    Dante just doing this for the endorsements. Don't take no Dante, neither...hell,Beatrice could whip on GC's old hine and not crack a sweat. you wanna know why they call mack daddy Dante 'The Rubber Glove'?

    uh huh. yeah, thats what i THOUGHT.
    you gonna find OUT.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Gimme $20 on Chaucer with Danny Kaye and the margarine err, backing.

    ReplyDelete
  15. 'Kiss my pucker' goads Dante, during the weigh-in. To the consummate surprise of the press pack, Chaucer fails to retaliate, but instead looks pensive, as if he is making a mental note.

    Later, having read the Miller's Tale, Dante accuses his rival of plagiarism, via is agent.

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  16. Has blogland gone fight crazy?

    Whatever happened to peace, love and understanding.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Hey Frobisher, I got yer Elvis Costello - right here :)

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  18. g; obviously someone who knows their dead commedians.
    flaneur: omg. you CHECKED my reference? holy crap. i think i may have just fallen in love with you.
    ratty: bad moon on the rise here in the land o the free. pick a favorite. nominate your own dark horse candidate!!
    g: lets keep the fight in the ring, folks. nothing to see here.

    ReplyDelete
  19. You know, Mum, I have to agree with Spiffy. But I'll see him his Kerouac and raise him a William S. Buroughs. Not really for literary merit, mostly because he was one crazy mofo.

    I will also take Walt Whitman, but only if he fits in that lovely handbag.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Er, actually, we did that tale at school. I thought I was being clever, but have just re-read your post and noticed your reference, which is more subtle and closer to the original text.

    Hundred lines for me: 'Though shall not repackage somebody else's postmodernism, and claim it as your own''

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  21. I thought Whitman was from Philadelphia...You dissin Philly?! Huh?!
    Edith Head scares the shit out of me, but I agree about the handbag...something incredibly menacing there.
    Dante and Chaucer are both full of it! Bring it on, you big cry babies!
    Also FN: I think your Courtney Love rant got kicked off from my posting that included Hole's Live Through This. If I had even the tiniest bit to do with it, I am proud!

    ReplyDelete
  22. Chaucer sounds rather too much like Red Baron(our very own blogging ginger whinger) , so I assume he's all mouth and trousers ,
    Its between Edith Head who looks well hard and Big Babs Cartland.
    I reckon Babs has got the edge

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  23. Shut it Frobi , or I will give you a slap....floating in here with your vegetarian , hippy peace and love :-)

    ReplyDelete
  24. flaneur: ok. lets get this straight. you read this,WENT BACK and checked my reference?
    do you ride a harley, flaneur? *giddy*
    mutha: born in long island. wither thence, i know not. and yes. totally inspired by your nimination of the vile courney who has the brain of a duck, you know. bad, bad courtney. icky courtney.
    beast: sad, sad little fice, isn't he? rb, not my ratty. dont be whippin up on my ratticule.
    dame cartland makes me want to piss my knickers just looking at her picture.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Does Barbara Cartland get to bring her dog? If so, i'll take her with Chaucer and the margarine.

    If there's no dog, my money is on the handbag. Ouchies.

    ReplyDelete
  26. FN a friend of mine had a cd of Dame Barbara 'singing' love songs with the london Philarmonic orchestra...It was the most shocking thing you ever heard.

    Ok I wont fight with Frobi then
    ***offers Frobi a flower***

    ReplyDelete
  27. Fools! The handbag comes into the ring ON EDITH HEAD'S ARM!!! While Chaucer is using the deadly finger of accusation on Dante for being a tool of the Church (see pic), Edith waylays and soundly pummels Dante's second. The bean burrito waits in the corner as the alternate but is never called on to enter the mayhem because Chaucer (a former soldier, y'all) and Edith Head (a slightly unstable woman with an even more unstable sense of accessorizing, i.e., the lethal armadillo handbag)have laid waste to all comers. As I result, I get to eat the bean burrito, and Geof, Edith, and I head to our local Big Boy restraunt for a celebratory dinner on your money!

    (WCSN-Dante take Chaucer? Do you see that finger, GC is pointing? It's way more deadly than a light sabor, son. It will mess you up. It says, "Get back, Honkey-Cat." And c'mon, you want to back a guy who lusted after his 12 year old neighbor? You better watch out or you might have to deal with Chaucer's Bitch . . . she sounds a lot tougher than Edith Head and her handbag. 'Course you would be too if you were trying to say something original about the old goat.)

    G-Danny Kaye backing up with the margarine to Chaucer. Hhhm. Confirms something I always wondered about the guy when I was growing up.

    FN- For you 'cause you're special: "I can see you guys an' gals need a lot of help . . . you're all very stupid!! ..I used to be stupid, too ...before I started watching UHF-TV.

    ReplyDelete
  28. I am very, very dissapointed that Kerouac and Buroughs are out of the running.
    Distraught even...those bitches be wack, yo.

    If all else goes awry, may I please have the handbag and the burrito? I am a bit peckish. And I like to be fashionable.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Spiffy the wonder shrimp5:30 PM

    Yeah. If we don't get Jack "The Sack" Kerouac into this cage match soon, I'm asking for my money back.

    Acute case of peritonitis? I don't buy it. You rigged this event by witholding Jack and replacing him with Meatwad. Then you pull Meatwad under a technical violation in the first round. Classic match fixing, if ever I did see it.

    Shameless.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Mum thinks Kerouac is overrated crap.
    ....I have nothing to say other than that.

    ReplyDelete