Thursday, April 26, 2007

TINY COWS

The road to hell is paved with naked mole rats. Which is in no way germane to the following, although it IS something you should bear in mind.


The thing most people fail to realize is how many of our present environmental and social problems can be traced back to tiny cows.
The North American Tiny Cow, seen here at 3x magnification.



Tiny cows were introduced into this country early in the 1930's in a misguided effort to prevent homosexuality in Midwestern tent caterpillars. Unfortunately no one was ready for the horrible, frenzied miscegenation which ensued, culminating in a tide of nocturnal, winged bovine-insect hybrids. These hordes were ultimately responsible for the Great Blackout of North Dakota.

Hordes of freshly-metamorphosed cow-moth hybrids burst forth, new-born from the canvas enclosures of their attending parent-caterpillars, pausing only to devour them in their lust for nourishment, and, spreading wings still damp with fluids, set out in search of electrical current in order to fuel further unspeakable and unguessed-at growth.
Bloated with electricity, the Tiny cow waits, brooding, pregnant with menace, as internal organs metamorphose into arcane and extranormal variations


Emergency services, such as they were, were called in from seven states to aid the beleaguered Dakotans. Nobody knows how many millions of gallons of DDT were used, but the seething hordes of electricity-loving hybrids were finally drowned out, hunted back to the vast colonial swarms to which they retired to sleep.
Early attempts at one-on-one extermination, although personally satisfying, proved ultimately useless at stemming the spread of Tiny Cows


Many public buildings in the Dakotas remain uninhabitable to this day, filled with the strange, translucent, empty carapaces of millions of tiny cow-moth hybrids, exoskeletons from which the vital ichor has dissolved, which rattle in the sand-filled winds which sweep the barren and dimly-litten midland plains.

Always ravenous, the Tiny Cow should never be approached without the proper safety gear.

Still, small colonies of tiny cows remained. They were commonly discovered huddled in tiny, lowing clusters within the Bakelite housings of the telephones of the day, from which they ventured forth only to rent the use of pedal boats, hoping to blend in with other vacationing cattle.

However, unable to restrain their natural propensity to discard empty beer bottles via the 'burial at sea' method and then lean over and watch them sink, many tiny cows fell overboard and drowned, their tiny bovine carcasses clogging the intake grids of municipal water supply systems and irrigation pumps, the un-cowed pedal boats left to drift on the surface of the water, eerily motionless, cigarettes still burning, sandwiches left uneaten.
Left behind...waiting for a luncheon that never comes


Today the tiny cow is found in all 50 contiguous United States and parts of Lower Mainland Canada. They are more of a nuisance than a threat, having been permanently mutated by repeated applications of DDT into a form incapable of interbreeding with moths.

However, people camping in remote wilderness regions have reported wakening in the night to the unspeakably horrible questing touch of hundreds of tiny cow hooves in the night, searching for ingress, probing the moist, vulnerable orifices of the slumbering, seeking to gently but insistently insinuate their tiny wriggling bodies between the tightly compressed lips of the assailed, who can only cower and hope for the coming of the day.
Infestation begins
Those who have failed to resist are immediately identifiable by their glassy stare and the hundreds of udderlike eruptions on their faces.

Few realize that Tom Waits' music career was tragically cut short by facial udders

At present the only treatment is isolation. Only the National Health Service knows how many formerly normal citizens now live hidden away from public view, forced to lactate anonymously for the common good in huge concrete edifices where they mill and low beneath the eternal flickering of fluorescent overhead lighting, dreading the cold and heartless ministrations of the mechanical milker.
Tammy W., spokeswoman for the Facial Lactation Prevention Council, says "Five thousand visitors to our Nations' parks last year found out the hard way. Facial Udder and Lactation Disorder (FULD) is PREVENTABLE."

17 comments:

  1. jebus, what the hell drugs are you taking???


    as an aside, do you happen to know where that photo of the dude with the rubber chicken was taken? because it looks exactly like the Target store in Jackson, Michigan.

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  2. also, yay for buck-toothed penises!

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  3. cb: sadly, I can't do this shit fucked up. I am completely straight. and hey, tell ya what; you think I have good drugs? go here:
    www.polywater.com/rubberchicken.asp

    cb2:.....gentile ones at that!

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  4. So that's what happened to Tom Waits, then.

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  5. Fantastic informative and brilliant! This should be compulsory in our nations schools!! I am worried abut the Midget Kangaroo plague and I have a one headed dwarf pus-me-pull-you living in my window nix. Does it herald worse things to come??

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  6. It's not enough that I have to truss up my tits. Now I'm looking at the expense and effort of a facial bra.

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  7. Fever finally cooked your brain, eh?

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  8. I am so very confused.
    I thought it was Lemmy from Motorhead with the facial udders...?

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  9. Wow. I'll never think I have an imagination again. Exactly where did that stuff spawn, and if you don't use pharmaceuticals, well, um, that just seems pretty psychadelic. Impressive.

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  10. billy: isnt' it sad? i'd been wondering and then 'boom'there it was. facial udders.
    muttley: sounds like business as usual in sunny Bridport to me.
    mj: you went CAMPING????? oh my god i am so sorry.
    danator: i think i'm delirious with joy that i'm finally recovering.
    harlot: another brave victim of Tiny Cows, Lemmy soldiers on in the cause of rock n roll despite frequent milking.
    foilwoman: i have a strange brain, and i've read way too much h.p.lovecraft. without blogging ALL THIS would never see the light of day..just think. boy are you gonna love my next post.

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  11. When I started reading this I thought "What weed she smokin?"
    Then I got to the kiwi.I know it's our national symbol, but those oversized feet have always been a bit of a worry...
    And that flu can stay Stateside, thanks very much!
    (But I'm pleased you're less ill)

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  12. "Few realize that Tom Waits' music career was tragically cut short"

    Oh no, not TW, why couldn't it have been Celine Dion? We could have called her the bith with 4 tits.

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  13. when i try to prevent homosexuality, a catepillar forms a tent in my pants....is this normal?

    ps. it is of course, a rather large catepillar

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  14. Uh oh, something else to keep me awake worrying

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  15. fascinating.

    i see our hamster hero makes an appearance here. good of him to play the part.

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  16. Your fever is obviously affecting your brain but I dig your hallucinations!

    Mole Rats ((shudders)) if they do pave the road to hell then that is enough to scare me straight and start reading the Left Behind series by Tim 'What' LaHaye

    ((shudders again))

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  17. Is this really true?

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