Friday, December 21, 2007

Super secret cookies!!! and other recipes

Note: Don't have a big 'ol cow because you live someplace where they use mutated cooking nomenclature, standards of measurement based on the weight of King Henry VIII's gall bladder, or that have gimpy ovens. I'll post the link to the conversion site at the end like I always do so just keep your damn pants on.

I bake these wearing Jacqueline Kennedy dark sunglasses. SSSSSshhhhhh!!!!
Wack Up Smel the Cookies! caution: unnecessarily complicated
(all ingredients room temp. preheat oven to 350.)

First, you make a standard butter cookie recipe:
1 cup unsalted butter
1 cup sugar
1 large egg
1 tbl vanilla extract
some fresh grated orange peel, to taste-can be omitted or other citrus may be substituted
1 tsp baking powder
2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour

also have on hand, but to one won't use these yet:
1 tsp cocoa powder
1 LEVEL tsp finest grind french roast coffee beans
1/3 c butter, very soft
2 tbls or more honey
optional for decoration: plain or chocolate covered espresso beans
PART ONE: The object of this part is to end up with very dry, browned cookie crumbs, so go ahead and proceed by eye.
-Halve the cookie dough. Set one half aside and hold at room temp.

-Take the other half, chill for an hour in the fridge. Then...

-Roll this chilled dough out about 1/3 inch thick and cut into pieces about 3 in. big...pretty is not an issue.

-Put onto an ungreased cookie sheet, not touching-but if they run together, no problem. You might have to do them in batches. Only one sheet in the oven at a time!

-Bake these at 375 until they are beginning to brown on the bottom, about 10 minutes or so-check them and see.

-Then take them out, cool them a bit, and then turn them over and brown the other side, which won't take quite as long. Go ahead and peek in the oven all you like.

-When they're brown on that side, turn off the oven, leave the door ajar and let them cool in there while you go vaccuum or shop or something for a couple of hours. The object is to get them perfectly golden brown and crisp all the way through.

-When they are cooled off completely, run them all through the cuisinart until they're as small as they can get. Set aside.
Now for the cookies proper!
-Crank the oven up to 400.

-Take the other half of the ROOM TEMPERATURE cookie dough, chunk it up and put it in the cuisinart. Add in all the extra ingredients, blend thoroughly, scraping down the bowl and getting in all the corners.

-Turn it out into the bowl with the crumbs and knead it all together by squishing it between your fingers. You can add a little more soft butter if the mix is stiff.

-Press the dough out onto the counter with your hands until it's about 1/3 inch thick, and cut out rounds a little bigger around than the size of a walnut. (You cannot overwork this dough so use all the scraps too!) Scrape these up using a spatula and...

-Place them, not touching, onto an ungreased cookie sheet.

-Bake in the 400 oven for 7 or 8 minutes.

(-optional: if you are using the espresso beans for decoration, press one into the center of each cookie NOW while they're still hot and soft.)

-When they have sat a couple of minutes, try and pry one up. If it comes off clean, slide them off the cookie sheet and set aside to cool. They should flatten out and be crispy when they cool.

These will definitely Wack your ass UP.

Spicy cheese dip!
1 1/2 lbs of sharp cheddar cheese, shredded
2/3 cup of wholefat yogurt- drained overnight in a sieve until all the whey is out of it (there will be a little less after it's drained, obviously)
4 oz cream cheese
1/4 cup red onion, minced very fine
1/3 cup jalapeno (for hot!) or anaheim (for not so hot) peppers, minced finely
1 tsp. 'Via Nueva' chili-limon spice (look it up on the web; I'm not your mother)
1/4 tsp or to taste garlic granules
1 tbl Knorr powdered chicken stock

Heave it all in the Cuisinart and whir it for a very long time, stirring it down as necessary. It will be kind of sandy looking. Oooo so good!

Tangy cheese dip-this has to set overnight in the fridge to get good.

1/2 cup feta cheese with kalamata olives (or plain feta with five minced kalamatas added)
1/2 cup blue or roquefort cheese
1 cup sour cream
4 oz cream cheese
1 shallot squeezed through a garlic press or minced very, very fine-DO NOT OMIT.

Once again, heave it in the Cuisinart and whip the crap out of it. Don't forget to stir it down every now and then!

Smoked salmon dip-so easy a caveman could do it.

4 oz soft-smoked salmon, whatever cure you prefer (we use alder smoked with a cracked pepper cure)

4 oz cream cheese

1/3 cup either mayonnaise, drained yogurt or sour cream

Take the skin off the salmon but leave the peppercorns or whatever spices there may be ON.
Chunk it up, put it into the cuisinart with the other ingredients (I use sour cream) and whir until it's all a uniform smooth texture-scrape down as necessary. This cannot be over-mixed; it just gets lighter and fluffier.

Chicken Livers Mit Schmalz-I am the only person who really really likes this at my house so I get to eat ALL of it! But it is SO GOOD. Really. It is. On a Wheat Thin cracker? Oh my yes.

-1 lb chicken livers, poached very gently in 1 cup chicken stock until just done through, cooled.
-reserve the stock and cool
-1/2, 2/3, or 1 cup rendered chicken fat, depending on how soon you want to die of arteriosclerosis (recipe follows)
-2 small or one large green onion, minced very fine
-salt and pepper to taste-I like lots of fresh-ground black pepper here.
(optional-softened cream cheese to taste)

-All cooled ingredients into cuisinart minus the stock. As the mixture whirs, add a bit of stock until you have a light paste consistency-(err on the side of thick; more can be added later.)

-Chill overnight. The mixture will have turned into a soft solid. If it is too hard, chunk it up and put it back through the cuisinart, adding a little more stock. It will be a light grey cardboardy color and very smooth and light, a little sandy textured.
-At this point you may also add a little cream cheese to taste if you feel the flavor is too 'rank' or 'livery'. Correct seasonings.

To make rendered chickenfat, or 'schmalz'
(This is something you make when you want stock, fat and cooked chicken meat for separate things, so plan ahead for chicken and dumplings for dinner or chicken noodle soup or something like that.)

1 fryer, cut up or whole
water to cover

-Bring the chicken and the water to a boil, cover and reduce to the lowest setting. Let it go for 45 minutes.

-Take the chicken out and let it drain into the pot. (Then cool the carcass aside and return the drippings to the pot. Strip the meat once it's cooled-if you save it on the bone it gets funky.)

-You now have 'chicken water', the beginning of stock. Cool this in the pot, then refrigerate overnight, covered.

-The next morning, the hardened fat may be lifted off the top of the chicken-water in solid chunks.

-Melt these over a low flame just until they turn clear, then strain them through a very fine sieve or a cloth. Throw away the grey crumbs you strain out, or give them to your cat; they love them!

-Now you have pure rendered chicken fat! You should have about 1/2 cup more or less.


This is a new one I'm trying. Let me know what you think of it. If it sucks I'll go back to using the other conversion sites.


  1. It was not a good idea for me to read this just before the street party! Why? Because I'm cheating and baking ready-made mini pie thingies.I'll have to drink a lot to assuage the guilt!
    Come over to my place;I have beer for yoou!

  2. Coincidentally, I'm watching Rocky and Bullwinkle and Boris says to Natasha, "Can you make some toll house cookies?" and she says "No, but I can make some jailhouse cookies."

    This happened at the same time as I opened your blog posting!

    It's an omen.

    To eat cookies.

    I have to go to the kitchen now.

    Oh, and my watching cartoons AND reading your blog proves I can multitask.

  3. I think I can manage the salmon dip!

  4. Nope. It's no use: even you can't tempt me to cook anything, even for Christmas. I'm just going to get a load of stuff from Marks and Spencer and stick it in the microwave for ten minutes.

    Happy Christmas, by the way!

  5. Anonymous4:34 AM

    Thank you! Just about to start baking the Christmas nibbles, the cheese dips sound good and I have a couple of tubs of chicken livers in the freezer which I've never known what to do with (usually end up giving them to the cat) so will definitely give your last recipe a whirl (might add a slug of brandy to it).

  6. dinahmow: thanks; you reminded me i have to start in on my own tiny pie thingies!!!! thanks for the beer, it was dee lish! merry christmas!

    mj: tell ya what, come on by. WE HAVE COOKIES baby. oh my yes. it suprises me that anyone needs an omen to eat cookies, though.

    ziggi: you'll be really happy with it. it comes out tasting and even looking so nice!

    betty: well there ya go. what are you folks doing for christmas? will you have kids over?

    hendrix: you can use butter instead of chicken fat, of course, but it doesn't taste as wonderful.

  7. Anonymous11:36 AM

    i'm glad you're up to the whole cooking cookies that are much too complicated to write out much to bake thing. it's all i can do to talk without sounding like i have a cheese grater in my throat.

  8. I am making stuffed mushrooms and Manwife has the Cordon bleu and zuchinni so that is pretty much all I can honestly handle. I am very dizzy and disoriented still. Be over about noon tomorrow...

  9. I am so doing the smoked salmon dip, it sounds delish!

    I made Oreo and Cake Balls.

    Oreo balls...mix crushed oreos with cream cheese. Roll into balls and coat in melted chocolate. It tastes like a rich chocolatey truffle. Yum!

    Cake balls...crumble cake after baking and mix with frosting. Form into balls and then refridgerate so they become firm. Coat with melted chocolate.

    It was easy peasy, tomorrow is cookie night, I think I will make the salmon dip for the party. I really want to find a good dill dip recipe.

    Happy holidays, FN!

  10. CUPS ????

    BAH !!!!!

    I am currently doing unspeakable things with Wasabe
    Hot Baby !
    Oh Yeah

  11. OH and
    MERRY CHRISTMAS FN and SSA and everyone else

  12. Hey FN!


    Geat schlamon and trifffffle - bin on the sherrry!



  13. Mmm, cookies.

    As the Hurons sang:

    Estennialon de tson8e Jes8s ahatonhia
    Onna8ate8a d'oki n'on8andask8aentak
    Ennonchien sk8atrihotat n'on8andilonrachatha
    Jes8s ahatonhia

    God bless you and your loved ones this Christmas and always.

  14. What's this cuisinart thingy you discuss? What about bowls and spoons and such?

  15. It all looks delish! But we are so tired we may end up with Chinese takeout and bakery cookies.

    Have a merry!

  16. I looked for innuendo and smutty content but all I found was recipes, I'm confused. I'm off to read some porno.

  17. Hairy Crizzmoose FN!

  18. Happy Christmas Firstness - just read about the storms - hope you are all ok xx

  19. Oi! Leave Big H out of this. Just because he was the fattest king ever and tried to shag more people than anyone before or since, doesn't mean that a king's testicle isn't a perfectly legitimate measure.

    Happy Christmas from our little rock in the North Atlantic.

  20. Merry Christmas to you and yours

    Ratso xxx

  21. Thanks so much for the lovely recipes....heading for the kitchen to cook. Now where is that fire extinquisher?

  22. Hey hunny, just a quick drop in from Austria to wish you and yours a fabulous Christmas and the best of New Years!!!

  23. So, a lack of posting means you are either too drunk offin the eggnog to post and still in the recovery phase, or you are enjoying the festivities and passed out on the living room couch from exhaustion.

    Either way, wishing you a good'un!