Monday, August 11, 2008

I Want To Believe

We have a stack of early, early biker magazines that we circulate through the bathroom reading rack every summer. People experiencing the afteraffects of our barbecue have their spirits lifted and their attention distracted by the bright colors... and all the pictures of extra-fluffy 70's snatchola sprinkled throughout the pages. Old Easyriders, and other biker oriented rags like Supercycle and Outlaw Biker, are always good for a hoot. The goofy snapshot they provide of the subculture during that era is entertaining as hell. Easyriders magazine is where I first indulged what blossomed into my present shameful obsession with crap fiction and 'outsider' writing, in fact...although in the case of Easyriders, 'outsider' hardly begins to describes it. Aside from the rare article, on the main Easyriders constituted an excellent example of what public-funded education turned out around the middle of the 20th century.

Not only is the writing...charming, the advertisements themselves make up a whole subgenre of stinky bad potty toilet that just can't be conveyed using mere words.

Yes, I was glad I was sitting down when I ran into this one.

This comes from ish #58, published in April of 1978. As you can see, while the rest of the nation supped from the lip of purulence that was disco*, certain sectors of the American public had only just entered the 1960's and were still experiencing some difficulties adjusting to the whole 'groovy' thing.

My entire being wants desperately to believe that the girl with the a-cup roo guards there is a very young, pre-op Cher. Yes I know Cher was older than that in '78 geeze Louise. You ever heard of negatives? Remember them? Ok then. Keep up.

Seriously. Take away the heavy false eyelashes and the nose job, and you have a young lady that looks suspiciously like the Armenian titwillow. I am dead serious. If any of you are rabid Cher fans, I want you to take a long and serious look at her very earliest, earliest work, the stuff from back when she was a tender teenlet doing JC Penny's ads and shit like that. Yes, I know this ad flogs a company in the Midwest. That really means nothing. Back before Svenga I mean Sonny took over her career she could have done a shoot and signed one of the standard rip-off models releases of the day; and her image could just as easily have ended up on a can of Japanese underpants as anyplace else, depending on who bought it from the photographer.

I don't know who the mook sucking in his cheeks is though. He could have used a shop vac and it still wouldn't have distracted anyone from the fact that he was a good four months along there. Look at that chub chub. Don't you just want to blow farts all over him until he pees?

God it would be SO rad if it were the mayor of Palm Springs, wouldn't it??

Do read the copy. It's happening.
I am totally using the 'Guam' threat. Seriously. Fuck with me, man, you BETTER be in Guam. Yeah thats right.

This is the whole page. Yeah, that's a windjammer! Remember power hitters and and cold tokers and shit like that?

..God, you're so old.

*not that I have anything like an opinion about the 70's. ahem.


  1. Anonymous2:21 PM

    ooohhh, the 70's. the era before i was born. hmmm. what was it like grandma?

    *runs and hides behind beast. never know when the old lady will swing that cane*

  2. You spit that binky out and get back here, diaper queen. *brandishing ear trumpet*

  3. Anonymous2:39 PM

    gotta catch me first, granny. neener, neener, neener.

  4. boy, once you learn how to walk i'm gonna gum your ankle SO BAD.

  5. she might send the bullit after ya!

  6. or bullit's mamma's titties. they'd be flappin all over like dog ears as she ran for ya. watch out!

  7. Not only is my magazine rack as cool as yours, I have a postcard rack too.

    As for the toilet in the bathroom...

    Did you empty out the flowers from the toilet planter in your front yard and drag it into the bathroom so it'd look like you have indoor plumbing?

  8. Anonymous4:15 PM

    oh no! not the flapping mammaries!! whatever shall i do? i know - *buys extra-strength brassiere for fn.*

    i'm so proud that y'all finally got indoor plumbing.

  9. Are those spider plants in your loo? Damn, those suckers really will grow anywhere.

  10. voices: or his mamma!

    SSA: you could put an eye out like that. OH THAT TOTALLY IS CHER. about a 16-17 year old cher. it totally is.

    mj: I cannot believe that anyone has a magazine rack as cool as mine. sorry. as for the toilet planter THERE IS NO TOILET PLANTER HERE NO NO NO NO NO. thats a canadian thing.

    pink: yeah me too. want a twirlie?

    xul: yup; varigata and viridia.

  11. So what are you using for toilet paper?

    I recommend Beast's blog.

    Print out a couple month's worth of Beast's postings and wrap it round the toilet roll holder.


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  13. Yep, that's gotta be cher. i would know, I watched every single sonny & cher show as they aired without fail. it's her.

    And now, here's what we do to cows in my neck of the woods. Want I should come up there and deal out the "final solution to the cow problem"?


    That's right, we decorate our tackrooms with their dead faces.

  14. ok, damn blogger, I do not know how to embed images, I'll admit it.

    here's a link (hopefully)

    look closely, it's still got it's eyelashes.

  15. sorry. damn blogger. damn it to hells.

  16. Bullit and his hawg would have stood no chance on Brighton beach. The mods would have monstered him.

    The big pussy.

  17. Awww bless Bullit , his little chubby tummy and little stick arms.
    I may not have a magazine rack in my lav .....but at least I have toilet paper
    Rolls and rolls of it (I bulk bought by mistake , its gonna take my at least three years to use it all failing some ghastly gastric incident)
    Miss MJ you better be in Guam !

  18. yeah, i'll admit his mamma can go for a ride with me anytime...

    "oh yeah baby, feel the power of that honda between your legs!?!?*

  19. Beast: Did you not use up your supply during the Ma Beastie's Chickpea Curry incident?

    *prints out another sheet of Beastliness*

  20. Anonymous9:56 AM

    fn - no thanks. i'll just watch as you give beast and iv those special kind of facials.

  21. mj: Canadian money. *snork*

    Joy: I laughed so hard the tracking device flew out and hit the screen! THANK YOU!!!!!

    garfy: mods hell; postman pat and his black and white cat. yes, hes a unique weasel, is our Bullit.

    beast: can i borrow some? I'll give it right back when Im done.

    voices: *snurk* voices rides Jap!

    mj: ma beasties chickpea curry: the gift that keeps right on giving.

    pink: now wait. i've got skillz, girl, but i dont have...lissen, you need to stop visiting those ladyboy sites. cuz, daaaaaaaaaang. *proffers copy of 'Our Bodies, Ourselves' to Pink*

  22. Anonymous10:42 AM

    fn - i meant swirlies in the toilet. eeewwwww. nasty. you've been writing too much porn lately. you need to get your mind out of the gutter. well, at least temporarily.

  23. uh... direct me to the off road section of the local harley dealer please.... "id like to go eighty miles per hour up an old dozer road please..."

    oh whats that? oh... and btw, remember how much i paid for it... yeah...

    *nations has our hero all defensive about his little Japanese toy bike... wraps cape around waist and KICKSTARTS hondaxl250r to life and disappears in a cloud of dirt and dust*

    notice i dont have a cushy electric start like those newer girly bikes?!?!?!

    *runs off to guam*

  24. *phones from guam to see if anybody has been home yet*

  25. Oh, Easy Rider magazine - it was one of my favorites. The girls were better there than in Playboy.

  26. Cher or not, bitch is HOT.

    Fuzzy pudgy over there needs to lay off the churros, though.