Friday, January 27, 2006

Field notes: Some observed behaviors of the juvenile Goonybird

The Goonybird is my grandson. This is a typical day in his life. I offer these observations in the humble hope it may add to the fund of knowlege regarding the mystery of our species.

Subject runs into the room and stops suddenly, listening....then raises both arms in celebration of the dawn. He stomps in a little circle repeating the phrase 'Oh, no!'fifty times. He then spins until he falls down, chanting 'woo, woo, woo'. Getting up, he pauses to strike a pose of sudden amazement-then runs to the wall and hesitates. Five sumo squats are performed. Then carefully, slowly, he backs out of the room.

Disappearing whole into the kitchen cupboard, the subject emerges with a potato. He then runs into the front room and puts it in front of the dog. This is repeated until all the potatoes have been distributed to family, guests, houseplants, large books and stuffed animals.

Dogs and child share the same bowl of food in a demonstration of interspecies cooperation. Or something.

The family toilet is manually explored and assessed for flavor. It is loaded with all the toys the child owns and then the whole lot is then mashed down the hole with the bathroom plunger. The bowl brush is then used in attempts at self-grooming.

The child becomes caught in the dog door by the waistband of his diapers. After exhausting the play possibilities for this pose (prone, sucking on the threshhold with dogs walking back and forth over him) he shimmies out of the diaper and runs onto the porch. Once there, he assists the dogs' efforts to defend their property by barking at people on the sidewalk.

The child explores the possibilites offered by a large picture window facing a main road. At first the moon is noted and attempts are made to blot it out with spit, this being applied labially in a back and forth motion which people passing by seem to find fascinating. The child, in its increasing sophistication, realizes that there is a barrier which exists between it and the outdoors, and settles upon simply standing in the window naked shouting at the moon to shut up.


  1. cuidado y llamas9:09 AM

    My son is a badass.
    Or something.
    Is this our morning thus far? Damn, son, Switch to Decaf!

  2. Your kid sounds like fun. Insane, but fun. I must save that interpretive dance thing... For comedy reasons...