I know stuff. Would you like to know stuff too?

It just tickles me no end to find out secrets. Any secrets. Ya wanna know some?

Let's start with Scientology!

Now, I was a member of this sad association of the self-delusioned back in the days when L.Ron was dying. Everything was in commotion and lots of stuff slipped out through the security in place because the more intelligent higher-ups were realizing that they'd been taken. In fact, I was a staff member (which means the same thing as 'I was hall monitor in second grade' since anyone with a heartbeat and nothing better to do with their evenings could end up -believe it or not- RUNNING a Church if they worked the nightshift.) A lot of rather sensitive materials went though my hands. And a bitch read it all. (yes, former culties, and had it 'word cleared' too.)
Why was I involved with this sad crap? Because I wuz in luuuuuv. With a Scientologist. Which evolved being used to beat the shit out of me on a regular basis, and....
...but thats a post for another day. If ever.
OK,onward.
__________

You, little buddy, are a spirit that forgot to stop living in a body.

You have been around for gazillions of years, living on different planets and in different galaxies even, during which lots of stuff happened that suspiciously resembled a very bad science fiction story from the 'Fifties, and everything was apparently run by 'Fifties second-string Vegas 'cool cats' who used sad, doofussy, white-people slang terms for shit. It's really really interesting and we have gazillions of classes and stuff where you'll learn all about it.

But, HA HA!

None of it really matters in the long run even though we made you sit though endless hours of this marginally entertaining horseshit, because YOU MADE IT ALL UP ANYWAY.

Yeah, you.

All your problems, in fact, come from the fact that over all those gazillions of lifetimes during which you committed unspeakable crimes and were generally a total bastard, you really didnt because it was all made up. And even though that doesn't make a lick of sense, lets move on. You made it all up, and all of it was stupid, and then you FORGOT it was all made up, and then you forgot you even did that!

Feeling that dick in your brain yet? Lets wiggle it around a little bit more then.

...Furthermore, most of those lies aren't even yours!!!!! They're ideas that come from one metric gazillion other spirits that somehow got superglued to your spirit in an atomic volcano explosion in California.

Once thoroughly convinced of this (and if you ain't, you out...and who likes to be out? Particularly when you are banned by an honest-to-shit international edict from ever entering a Scientology church again FOR E FUCKING TERNITY so nanny nanny boo boo to you ) you are then ready to learn how to get rid of all that forgotten lying spirit gluedness of the made up California volcano type badness that is preventing you from being beautiful, healthy, happy and a millionaire and giving all your money to Scientology. You do this by...

1. Attending hours and hours and hours and hours and hours of expensive fucking classes. Occasionally someone will come by and bullyrag you for being inattentive.

2. Purchasing seven metric shit-tons of books and course materials, all of which will be recalled in a couple of months for being 'Out-Tech', whereupon you will have to go out all over again and purchase another seven metric shit-tons of books and course materials, and

3. Purchasing an e-meter...nothing more or less than those voltage resistance meters you used to mess around with in autoshop testing your dick. It will require frequent, expensive 're-certifying', despite which, and despite it being a pretty simple device, it will operate for jack shit.

The important thing to bear in mind is that nothing comes free in Scientology. Every single bit of it is so obscenely overpriced as to make all notions of overpricedness that have gone before seem like tender childhood fantasies of overpricedness.

Nobody masters this shit. You can spend decades taking classes and using the E-meter and never master it. Why? Because it's all fake. But some people are real good at convincing themselves that they have. Those people are invariably wealthy, oddly enough!

At this level of Scientology, you have to have been some kind of useless drone heir to a retardedly immense fortune. Years of classes and the associated bullshit that generally defines any group of Scientologists tends to winnow out everyone else; i.e those capable of logical thought, independant reasoning ability, and the need to pay bills and buy groceries. Those few left are encouraged to believe (in no small part by the amazing and outrageously manipulated context provided by living an entirely Scientological life) that they can now dematerialize at will, move, create and destroy things with the power of their will, and travel to distant planets on the aethric plane. Did you know, these godlike beings have even 'handled' the worlds' powers to prevent any future nuclear wars?
No seriously.

Yes, you are perfect now; perfectly healthy and free of any problems
...unless you enjoy them.

That's the catch. If things aren't working according to your 1000.00$ textbooks, why, then, it's YOUR FAULT BUCKO. Not theirs. SCIENTOLOGY IS THE ANSWER. Make it go right, loser!

Of course, you can go on numerous websites and find this crap out for free. All the levels, all the dogma, all the policies are there.
Ah, but see, if you hear it for free, it won't work. You gotta pay-or wait, I mean, provide material proof of your willingness to receive the truth. Besides, all those websites are full of lies. Spies from the US military establishment as well as overseas interests are constantly at work discrediting the teachings of Scientology in order to take it over and steal all their secrets...and in fact, not all of those agencies are FROM THIS PLANET. Alien civilizations are also at work against the TRUTH. Serious as a heart attack, kids. Hell, throw in the Illuminati, the Knights Templar, your mom, and the Ninja Turtles while you're at it.
Poor Scientology. Everyone's agin' it.

_________________________________

SECRET #2
The Masonic Lodge.
You wanna know what their big secret is?
Gods' name is JHVH.

Kind of a buzzkill, huh.

__________________________________

3. SATANISM

Everything sucks, including the devil, who you worship, and Satanism, which
you believe in, and you. Your job on Earth, to be completed before you die and go to hell, where everything sucks, to make sure that everything sucks real bad here on Earth.
___________________________________

5. I once applied to be a nun, and they turned me down.