Tuesday, January 24, 2006

I explain agriculture and how to steal.

It's a good thing that gardening is something you can do virtually for free if you know how to propagate plants. Being real cheap (but not easy) I do. Any given weekend I'm off 'collecting' (in places better left unmentioned as this would constitute proof of trespass) with my thievery supplies.

....And now, you can too!!!!!


The following can be found around the house. feel free to improvise!
-Long plastic bags, like bread bags. Roll tightly and distribute in pockets, socks, bra, etc.
-Plain water in a container-a sports bottle looks innocent.
-A clipping (or slicing) instrument that can be hidden in a pocket; a large toenail cutter with a sharpened knife works good.
-An empty tin, like a candy tin. Or a keychain dry-match holder. This is for seedheads. (Forget pockets because, face it-you will. Seeds generally do NOT go through the wash well at all.)

-Check out the book 'Pirating Plants' from the library to find out what to do with this stuff. But trust dear old First Nations; its SO cinchy.
Now go forth and steal.

But don't steal from private nurseries. They deserve your business and support. WalMart, go right ahead.

Why is it, I wonder, that anthropologists have decided agriculture was invented by women? I've seen the reasons and they just don't wash. Women are supposed to be the gentle gatherer type, and because they didnt want to range too far afield they started transplanting things nearby; so they were apparently lazy too. Yeah. OK.

Men are the violent hunter type, and so they rambled miles and miles away up hill and down and killed shit with their teeth for the sheer savage joy of weiner havingness.
Uh huh.

Anyone who went to grade school knows that the nastiest, most violent thing on Gods' green earth is an eight year old girl. And hunt? Tell you what, if you had a pretty pencil or some candy stashed away those bitches would find it...then stab you with the pencil, stand on your chest and spit the candy in your face. (Jesus it creeps me out when I think how some of the girls I went to school with probably went on to become mommies.)

And let's all pause and consider the savage violence it takes to hunt, say, deer; shall we?

1. You get up early and hang out, remaining completely silent and motionless in one spot where deer are known to pass, and wait for a long, long time.
2. The deer passes; you shoot it. Or it doesnt, and you have salad.

Does that really sound particularly sex-specific? It aint. I have had numerous deer wander within petting range of me out in the woods. No shit. As for agriculture, nothing I've read in the instructions mentions genetalia coming into play at any point in the transplanting process. That is, pulling a plant out of the dirt in one place and then putting it into another hole in the dirt closer to where you live. But to each their own, I guess. You dig the hole, you get to use what you want.

Oh yeah, you say. I can just see you killing poor little Bambi. Girls think deer are cute! Oh yeah, deer are real cute. Yeah. Particularly when they eat my Goddamn garden. Cute as hell.

Not a problem. Not a problem at all. If I can slaughter a giant, ugly pig and peel it and bust it down and portion out it's guts (which I have), and if I can catch a sturgeon as long as I am tall, pull it into the boat and do the same(which I have), and butcher out salmon and chickens and rabbits (Oh yes, death stalks Americas' heartlands disguised as your grandma!) then I sure in the fuck am not going to have a problem with Bambi. Deer are just pretty cows for heavens' sake. Pigs? Those assholes fight back. Hard. You can shoot a pig at close range between the eyes with large calibre ammo and the thing will try and eat your heart right up until it bleeds out and dies, and then it will still twitch and leap for 45 minutes afterward. (It's kinda metal.) Bambi, at last report, is still more of the run-away type.

So Bambi me no Bambies, guys. We all invented agriculture and we all killed shit and ate it. Starvation sucks. You die. If it's a choice between eating a cute bunny and starving to death, Peter Rabbit is gonna die and having a vagina won't have jack shit to do with it.

So there.


  1. I am so glad you've quit pilfering plants and seeds.
    That was just plain embarassing...sitting at a restaurant, or walking down a sidewalk, and there Ma would be, pinching seed pods and swiping cuttings. The audacity, I tell you, it was appalling! Appalling, but kinda funny.

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