susannah and the elders

Here is a story that draws out some of the best and worst in human nature Best, because it is a great story about honor, and worst because the story was used as just another excuse for rich men to hang pictures of lumpy naked woman all over the place.
Honestly, can you imagine having this staring you in the eye every morning while you ate your medieval cheerios? I mean different standards of beauty or not, that would get REALLY OLD REALLY FAST.

Anyway, here is poor Susannah. All she wanted to do was take a freaking bath, ok? She lived in the Middle East and it was HOT.
And here we have Rembrandt; master of the lumpy naked broad. Even though there is nothing prurient about his poor frightened Susannah I still wouldn't want this hanging in the breakfast nook.










Here's Tweedle old and Tweedle older. The Jews in exile appointed them to act as judges. So how do these assholes repay that trust? By hanging out in the underbrush whacking off while they watch their hosts' wife take a bath.
This is my favorite picture of the lot of them. Not only are the elders clearly up to no good, but the one is actively trying to suborn us by enlisting our help.
'Shhhh! We're gonna rape this broad! Don't let on we're here!"
That, and the relative modesty with which Susannah is portrayed, takes this out of the realm of bare ass and into the realm of what this moment in the story is about-betrayal and corruption. Well done.
Still wouldn't hang it in my house.





Here we have an *ahem* less that reluctant Susannah, her rather intrusively curious King Charles spaniel, a nice bowl of fruit and a few yards of brocade slung about.

The old guy in her armpit is just about ready to take a bite out of something. I won't say what, but he has a pretty good grip on her ankle there. I'm just saying. Good heavens, man, have some dignity.

Swear to God this is those same three nasty, out of shape ugly people who model bdsm suspension harnesses in the popups. That I've heard about. And not seen.

Really.



Now this? This is just wallpaper with tits.




Look like Susannah is knee deep in wet cement, doesn't it? Acually she is. First book of Quik-crete, 3:56:7 "..and Susannah was trapped like a trap in a trap, yea, she was as Jimmy Hoffa who was made a goalpost at the Meadowlands, with vile wrinklies to her right and her left who would grope her with a vile groping."



What the hell. This is just uncalled for; this nasty old fuck grabbing a hunk of boob here.

Tell you what, would you try this on someone built like Susannah? She has thighs like a fullback. She could kung fu the piss out of this old guy.

There should be more kung fu in the Bible.





A pitched towel battle ensues. They thwack away at each other for awhile to no avail. Suddenly a man appears. His fly is open. Nobody knows where to look.

Now you gotta admit that kung fu would work way better here. Susannah could whip up on their butts with her Big Jiggly fu.

Come to think of it, remember that giant motor-driven antitank gun in 'Predator'?
Oh, you betcha.
Dirty old fuck flavored confetti.

There should be more machine guns in the Bible, too.




Let a girl douche in peace, for heavens sake!
Here sits Susanna, in the wings of the Paris Opera house back by the scenery flats, spritzing her hoo-ha with some Perrier, just enjoying a private moment of personal hygiene after a hearty meal of lard out of the can...when all of a sudden who should come busting out of the orchestra pit but Shylock for the love of Mike. Buddy, you are SO lost.
Once again we see that Susannah is an afficianado of the toy breeds. Ill bet you next time she goes for an Alsatian.
'Wow! You guys got treats? Wanna play fetch? I can roll over! Come on! Fetch the Ball! I love Ball! Got a frisbee? I can play frisbee!'



'Excuse me, miss? Does the Ardenwald bus come by here?'
"Shhhhh! Wilsons Warbler! Three o'clock! Mating plumage!"
"No really, miss, we need to deliver this dolphin to the vet."
" Shh! Your aquatic dog is of no consequence to me. Only the warblers. And Scientology."

This is why I no longer ride public transportation.

"Pardon me, madame, but your head is inordinately small and I should like to collect it for my cabinet of curiosities. Quickly Jensen, administer the chloroform!"

"No! No! Get back! My head! Miiiiiiiiiiiine!"

" Hey, wait, are you naked under here? Damn! Come check this out, Jensen!""

'So listen honey, if-
wha...what the f-
oh man,did you just...?"
" No, dude... I thought you...man thats bad."
" I didnt...phoo, geeze, what'd you have for lunch, dude?"
" I'm telling you I didnt do it. You'd have known it if I did it."
" Sure as fuck wasn't me."
" Well, It wasn't me either."
" Well I-damn."



Everyone misses the point. The point is, this poor womans goose was cooked.
These two men had literally all the power in the world over her. She was told to let them rape her without making an outcry; if she did not, they assured her, they would drag her reputation through the mud and have her executed.
And Susannah still said no.
She said no.
There is something very important being said here about power, and weakness, and honor.
With that one word the whole thing changes.
I think it's excellent.